Page 26 of Bluebird

Adrien

"When will you see each other again?" Nika sits opposite us, her arms crossed. Her gaze is demanding and penetrating. We've actually just paid and want to leave, but knowing her, that won't happen until we've given her a satisfying answer.

Philipp and I both look at our hands, which are still touching at our little fingers, then our eyes find each other.

"Uh... I don't know... We'll just text, right?"

I nod in agreement.

"No, no, no... it's never ever going to work out like that." Nika shakes her head disapprovingly and Philipp and I look at her with question marks in our eyes. "Guys, honestly. I've been doing this with you for give or take three months now. You're definitely not going to get this relationship off the ground that way. You’ll spend four weeks worrying about who writes whom first. I've got an idea!"

élias slides back and forth on his chair next to Nika, embarrassed. "Sweetie, before you say anything now, just think about how you felt when Leonie and Rapha?l had an idea for our situation, okay?"

Her eyebrows draw together, and she seems to seriously consider his objection. I have no idea what happened back then, I don't know their story. It wasn’t easy, that I know.

"That's different!" she decides without further ado and gets going. I get the feeling élias would like to protest, but she doesn't let him get a word in. "You need to see each other, spend time together. In person, not writing or anything. You're both so insecure when you’re together, you're so scared. I understand that, believe me, élias does too, better than you probably think. We weren't always THAT either." She waves her right hand back and forth between herself and her boyfriend. "But you have to be brave, it's worth it!"

Philipp now has both hands on him again and nervously strokes his palms over his thighs. "What do you suggest?" His voice is anxious and full of concern.

"You meet up once a week. You know, like a date. And you take turns in who decides of what you’re going to do. You set the next date before you say goodbye. It doesn't always have to be the same day, but do something together, have a good time together and, above all, talk to each other. No secrets. If you want this to work, you have to trust each other."

That's a fantastic plan! I mean, I don’t know how to handle it yet, but there's nothing I want more than to see Philipp regularly, to be alone with him, to get to know him. To understand what makes him tick, why he is the way he is. And he wants that too, I'm sure of it!

***

"Have you arranged anything yet?" I look up from my mechanics papers with raised eyebrows when I hear élias’s question.

"As if you don’t already know the answer to that!"

élias grins mischievously and shrugs his shoulders. “What do you think of the idea?"

Honestly, I don't know. I'm really happy to see Philipp again, but I think I would have liked to be alone with him. In a quiet place, somewhere where we could talk. I somehow don't see that happening on this date. "I don't know. I can't really picture what will happen. But I’d have preferred to be alone with Philipp."

"Aww… I think I’m offended. But I know what you mean,” he teases. “I told Nika that too, but she's convinced that it's easier for you to come out of your shells in a, and I quote, 'relaxed environment'."

I don't believe that. We always had the best times together when we were alone and couldn't avoid each other. When Philipp couldn't avoid me. Tomorrow night, he'll have Nika to hide behind and even if he might not consciously do it, that's the way he is.

But I still said yes when he asked me if I wanted to go. Because anything is better than not seeing Philipp at all. And if I'm completely honest with myself, Nika is only half the problem, if that. I feel so terribly watched when I'm out in public with Philipp, when we look at each other or touch each other. Everyone stares at us, at least in in my head it is like that and I'm only waiting for the first snide comment.

élias's mother's reaction was so surprising for me. She didn't even mention that we were two men. We weren't even that obvious and she just assumed we were together. Like it was the most normal thing in the world. Which it is, or at least it should be, but I've never experienced it like that before.

I know that Philipp is out and has no problem showing his sexuality in public. I want that too, but I'm not that confident yet and I'm afraid that he'll sense my insecurity. That he senses that I'm not so relaxed, that I'm holding back and that he thinks it's because of him, that I doubt us, that I don't like him. Because that's absolute bullshit.

I try to be brave, to bite the bullet and just do it. To touch him if he can bear the intimacy, to hold his hand if he lets me. It was so beautifully easy in Bretagne, in a foreign place, without people who knew us and without a worry about the possible consequences if someone saw us. A lot of people saw us, but I didn't notice any disparaging looks. Glances, yes, but nothing that I couldn't handle. Nothing was more important than those moments with Philipp. Nothing is more important than Philipp and if he'd rather have our first date together with Nika and élias, then I'll do it. When we're together, I only see him anyway.

"What are you dressing up as?"

"What?" élias snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Dressing up? Your costume? Have you thought of anything yet?"

I shake my head thoughtfully. "I'd like something that doesn't make me look like a complete fool. Something that looks cool."

"So no cow onesie?"

"There is such a thing?"

I'm obviously shocked and élias laughs. "There's everything online – unicorns, toilet rolls, dinosaurs, crayons, carrots!"

"Are you serious?!"

"Yes, it's awful!" With tears in his eyes, my best friend fishes his phone out of his pocket to show me the full selection.

"Are there any normal things? What are you going as?"

"Nika decided that I need to go as a police officer. I think the handcuffs were the deciding factor in the end." His mischievous grin says it all.

"Uh..." I clear my throat loudly. "What else was there to choose from?"

"Pirate, cowboy, or some sort of superhero."