Page 34 of Bluebird

Adrien

I lose my breath for a moment as someone jumps on my back. "Woah, shit! élias! What are you doing, dude?"

With his hands still tight around my neck, élias bursts out laughing behind me. "Ahh, at least you still know my name!"

"How could I ever forget that. You're the one always eating my candy!" That's only half true. It was like that at the beginning. Now I always have something for the both of us. He laughs even louder but lets go of me, sliding down my back. "Don’t pretend you never get to see me. We see each other every day!"

"Yes, but your head is always somewhere else." élias pulls a pout which makes me smile. But he's right. I am distracted. Philipp takes up so much space in my head.

I look at my phone and subconsciously shake my head as I think about the message I've just received from him. Is he serious? Does he really think that? What makes him think that? Does he...? No.... he doesn’t, right? Aren't we exclusive? Shit...

"What's going on? You look like someone's riding a roller coaster in your head."

Torn out of my thoughts, I hold out my phone to élias. He looks at me questioningly. "Is this really okay?"

"What have I done wrong that he thinks he has to ask me this question?" Because that's what it is. I'm making him feel like he's not enough. Right?

élias takes my phone and reads the message, frowning. Then he shrugs his shoulders. "I have no idea. Honestly, I don't. But I think Philipp really has problems trusting others. Trusting men."

"But did I give him even one reason in the last six months to doubt how serious I am about him?"

"Not that I saw, but you don't know what's going on in his head. You don't know what he’s experienced."

I already do know something and just thinking about that makes me feel sick. "He never had the feeling that he could be himself and be loved for it."

"What?"

Oh shit, did I just say that out loud? Damn it. "With his ex. It was... difficult."

élias nods. "Nika hinted at something like that, but I don't know the details. But I know the feeling when you're with someone and you're constantly wondering what the other person sees in you."

"Nika and you?"

"Everyone who sees us wonders what she wants from me. You felt the same way. And I asked myself the same thing."

"Not anymore?"

élias shakes his head thoughtfully. "No, not anymore. I understood what made the difference for her."

"What was that?"

"Well, firstly, Nika just seems to have a really weird taste in men, because she seems to think I'm the most attractive man in the world." élias smiles and shakes his head, then becomes serious. "Nika was never more than an object. It was always just about her body, her looks, her facade. No one was interested in her as a person, in what made her tick. Everyone took what they needed from her, but she always came away empty-handed."

"It's different with you..." I finish his sentence and draw parallels to Philipp. To his ex, who was only interested in his body and in keeping him as small and submissive as possible. Who abused and manipulated him.

"What do you see in Philipp, apart from the fact that he's an obviously attractive man?"

"I love seeing him dance, how he expresses his feelings in movement. How he can show so many facets of himself in dancing that he usually suppresses. The playful, the dominant. He's funny, we laugh a lot when we're together. But we can be serious with each other too. He doesn't have any preconceived expectations of me just because of my appearance. He's fantastic at baking. It feels so good when he holds my hand, when he leans against me. I miss him when we're not together."

"Have you already told him that?"

Maybe not exactly. "You know I'm not the type to talk that much and I don't want to overwhelm him either. I don't want to say anything that he feels he has to respond to, even though he doesn't want to. Sometimes it feels like I'm walking on eggshells, and I'm so scared of doing something wrong and ruining what we're working so hard to build."

élias looks past me, thoughtfully searching for the right words. That's one of the qualities I appreciate most about him, he doesn't talk shit just to talk. élias doesn't need to fill a silence. While life is so loud, he's like an oasis. To be honest, I think that's something that Nika likes so much about him too. She has so much going on in her head, and élias's calmness gives her the security and peace she needs to deal with the chaos in there.

"When did you get the message?"

“When I was walking here, twenty minutes ago, half an hour, something like that."

An astonished look meets mine. "And you haven't answered yet?"

I shake my head. "No, I didn't know what to say! I was so surprised by his text."

"Oh my God! Can you imagine what's going on in Philipp's head now? He's probably imagining you making out with another guy."

"What? No! I would never do that! Why would he think that?"

"What else is he supposed to think if he's sure he's not good enough for you?" Shit... I never thought of it like that. "When will you see each other next?"

"Tomorrow night after training. We're having a movie night at my place." Again that look of bewilderment. I really can't do anything right today. "What's wrong now?"

"At your place? After what happened last time? Are you sure that's a good idea?" It's a legitimate question, but firstly, Philipp could have said no and secondly, I'm sure we can handle it. It's not a sure-fire success, but nothing is easy with Philipp. Sometimes you have to take a risk. Don't you?

"You'd better tell me what to write."

It takes us another half an hour to agree on "No, Philipp. There is no one else. I only want you and I'm waiting for you." With a heart emoji. I hope that's enough.