Page 41 of Bluebird
Philipp
It is bright and warm. As I slowly come to myself I feel a firm body against my back and hairy legs entwined with my own. Shit... I can’t do this. I don’t want to. No. My whole body tenses up. Stop, relax. And don't fucking move.
"DON'T MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF! YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING!"
He moves behind me and I feel something long and hard pressing between my ass cheeks. No, please don't. I squint my eyes and try to relax as best I can. He's going to pull my pants down any second now. I know I have to loosen up, that otherwise it will hurt even more than it already will, but I can't. My body shuts down and I feel the first tear running down my temple. Fuck...
"DON'T ACT LIKE THAT, PUSSY!"
No, I don't want this.
"SINCE WHEN DO I CARE? YOU ARE MY BOYFRIEND! IF I WANT TO FUCK, YOU KEEP YOUR ASS READY, OTHERWISE YOU CAN GO! BUT NEVER FORGET, WITHOUT ME YOU'RE ALONE! YOU HAVE NO ONE WITHOUT ME! NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU AGAIN! LOOK AT HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE! YOU SHOULD BE GLAD I'M DOING THIS WITH YOU!"
No! I don't want this!
"No! Please don't!" I hear my voice. Shit, oh no. I make myself small, but it's no use. At any moment he's going to turn me onto my stomach and...
"Hey, shhh... Philipp, hey. It's me, Adrien, shhh... you're with me. You're safe." A gentle hand caresses my cheek, soft lips touch my temple and kiss away my tears. Adrien. My Adrien. I let go. Tears run down my face in torrents, my whole body trembles.
"Can I hold you?"
Yes, please! Hold me tight! Forever! But none of it comes out. I barely manage a nod. I have no idea how he’s bending himself like this in the small tent, but suddenly he sits, pulling me into his lap. My head is against his chest, and I feel my body calm down.
I must have fallen asleep again, because when I open my eyes, I'm lying down again. This time, however, I'm half in Adrien's arm and half on his chest. I must have drooled in my sleep because there's a big wet spot on his t-shirt. It couldn't be any more embarrassing. I really have to get out of here, there's no way I can look Adrien in the eye after... after that and then his wet shirt. Oh my God.
I carefully try to get up, but it's a tent and we're lying on a fucking air mattress, so I'm not at all surprised when another tattooed arm wraps around my middle. "What are you doing?"
"Getting up?" I shouldn't have phrased it as a question.
"And why do you want to get up?"
"Because I've turned your top into Lake Constance and you should change like now." Adrien laughs uproariously.
Oh fuck, I didn't say that out loud, did I? Ground, hole, now! Come on...
"Look at me, please." Not really... but I can't just get up and leave either, because, if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to.
"Philipp?" I cautiously raise my eyes in his direction. "That?" Adrien casually plucks at his t-shirt. "I don't give a shit about that as long as I have you here with me. I'm so proud of you."
"Why?" My voice breaks, no one has ever said that to me before.
"Because you resisted the voice in your head. Because you said no. Because you decided to listen to yourself and your needs. I can't even imagine what you've been through, but just the fact that you're here with me right now makes you the strongest person I know."
"But why can't I get him to be quiet?"
"I think you have triggers. Some everyday things that you automatically associate with traumatic experiences. Do you have any idea what it was this time?"
I nod slowly. "Yeah... your... you were hard earlier... and if that happened with my ex, then..." I swallow, I can't get it out. Since the word abuse first came up, I find it even harder to talk about it. It makes me feel like a victim and that makes me feel even more powerless than I already am.
"Okay, I'm afraid I can't prevent the morning wood." Adrien grins sheepishly, but quickly becomes serious again. "But, we can try to lie down differently. I won't take anything from you that you're not ready to give. Okay?"
"Why are you doing this for me? You could have anyone." The question has been pent up for so long.
"I want you. And no matter how much time you need, that won't change."
"What if I can never have a normal relationship? What if you can never... touch me? Or if I can never touch you?" Everything we have right now is based on the idea that someday everything will be normal, whatever normal is. What if this remains my normal now? Adrien senses that this is eating me up, because he holds me a little tighter.
"There is no normal in a relationship. Relationships are individual and as long as we find a way that works for the both of us, it's all good. Is that what you want? A relationship? Do you want to be with me?"
I would like to shout it out loud, but my vocal chords can't manage more than a raspy "yes" right now.
With a firm grip, Adrien pulls me a little closer to him, his face pressed against my neck. It's as if he never wants to let me go and it feels so good.
Nika and élias smile as we leave the tent; they have obviously been eavesdropping. "This was so overdue. We're happy for you." With those words, Nika stands up and takes me in her arms.
Her lips close to my ear, she whispers, "You deserve this, Philipp. Enjoy it and learn what it means to be truly loved. Be brave, it's worth it." Tears well up in my eyes. To be truly loved... what that might feel like was just an idea to me. Something I've read about in books or seen in movies. Not tangible for me, nothing I could have. At least not until now.
I break away from Nika and turn to face my boyfriend. Adrien tenderly brushes the tears from my cheeks looking at me. He bites his lower lip, but not on his left piercing, not out of nervousness. He... I think he wants to kiss me. I want this, too. And for the first time since our only kiss so far, for the first time since that shitty night, I feel like I can do it. But not here. Alone.
"Come with me!" Determined, I grab his hand and pull him along. Surprised, Adrien stumbles the first few steps before finding his pace next to me.
"Breakfast?"
"Later. I... I want to do something first and... I'm afraid that if I think about it for too long, I’ll lose my courage." Adrien initiated our very first kiss, I just had to follow. That won't happen again. After everything that went down in the last six months, after everything he knows, he'll never make the first move again. Be brave, Nika said. I want to be brave, for me. For us. Now. We are standing on top of the dune, the soft sand beneath us and the open sea in front of us. I grab his face with both hands reaching up until my lips touch his.
Adrien freezes for a moment and I'm afraid that I might have misjudged the situation when he exhales with a deep groan pulling me closer by the waist and returning my kiss. I wait for the voice in my head, I’m listening carefully. But everything remains silent and I let myself fall.