Page 12 of Bluebird

Philipp

Oh my God! What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? Take a deep breath... calm down... everything's fine. We’re just holding hands. Nothing more.

Adrien looks at our joined hands smiling at me cautiously, almost insecure. He's not even half as cool and relaxed right now as I thought he would be. And I thought I was the one who didn't have a plan for what to do... that’s intriguing.

I don't think I've ever been so wrong with my first impression. But until just now, I was at least 85% convinced that Adrien had experience and knew exactly what he was doing. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

Given that I was in a relationship for three and a half years, you'd think I'd know what I was doing. But, no. Holding hands in public was always a huge deal with my ex. I always thought it would be something easy and simple, but it never was. I paid twice for every moment afterwards, at least that's how it always felt to me. For him, holding hands wasn't an expression of affection and tenderness, but a demonstration of power.

"I SHOWED YOU OFF IN PUBLIC! SEE WHAT I'M DOING FOR YOU?"

It keeps coming back, the voice, over and over again. It makes me nervous, makes me doubt everything and myself. Should I be grateful to Adrien for holding my hand as we walk over the Christmas market? Is it bad for him to be seen with me? Is that why he's so nervous, because he's embarrassed by me?

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to... hold my hand..."

Adrien looks at me, his eyes wide, surprised... or rather horrified... I'm not quite sure. "What makes you think I don't want this?"

"You're so nervous, so anxious... but it's okay... I can understand that..."

He stops abruptly, his head lowered, his eyes fixed on his shoes. He's also wearing Vans high tops, like Nika, only his aren't colorful customized ones but simply black. Typically man. "No... I want this, really... I just... I've never done it in public... with a man, you know? But I want this... with you."

"Aren't you out?" Why was I so sure he was out? We actually never talked about it. Embarrassing... Once again, another fat mistake on my card.

"Yes and no. My parents know and I feel like the whole campus of my old university knows, but I've never been with a man in public... until now... with you."

Oh... I'd like to say something, but my brain can't manage to form a coherent thought, let alone verbalize it.

"DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M WILLING TO GIVE YOU? WHAT WILL YOU GIVE ME IN RETURN? SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME!"

Oh, sure... something in return... but what... I don't want to be physically close with a man yet, that's too fast for me. But that's the point, isn't it? He wants something in return.

"I'M BEING ESPECIALLY NICE TO YOU TODAY, I’LL LET YOU CHOOSE WHICH HOLE I FUCK, YOUR MOUTH OR YOUR ASS."

So loud, he is so loud in my head. My chin drops to my chest and my shoulders rise up. "Hey, are you okay? I didn't mean to... did I say something wrong?" Two fingers carefully reach under my chin and gently push it up.

"LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! YOU FUCKING LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU!"

Adrien's touch makes me flinch, not because of him, because of the voice in my head. But he doesn't know that and immediately pulls his hand away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I have no idea what I'm doing, okay?"

Adrien lets his head fall back with a loud sigh. My ex never apologized to me when he touched me, not even when I didn't want him to. On the contrary, when I pulled away, he held me even tighter.

"DON'T BE LIKE THAT, I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND! I CAN TOUCH YOU WHENEVER I WANT AND WHEREVER I WANT! OR DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE? IS THAT IT?"

But Adrien isn’t like that, Adrien is different. He takes a step back when he feels that I'm uncomfortable. He pays attention to me and my needs.

But what are my needs? What do I actually want? And if I ask for something, what do I have to give him in return?

"Ah, there you are! We thought we'd lost you! We were just about to call! Are you all right?" Nika looks back and forth between Adrien and me, slightly irritated, then her gaze falls on our hands, which are still holding on tightly. A brief grin flits across her face, and she winks at me. "Are you two coming? There's a big stand with various sweets over there. You won't be able to resist, I promise!"

Nika understood something was weird with us, I'm sure of it. We might not have known each other long, but if there's anyone who definitely doesn't have a problem resisting sweets, it's her. That was a first-class diversionary move, and I can’t stop my smile.

I had some time to think over the last few weeks. And I realized that I want to see Adrien again. I want something to start growing between us, even if I don’t know how to handle it. Because the thought alone of what he might expect of me, drives me into panic mode. What will I have to do for everything he does for me today?

"Shall we?" Adrien's words pull me out of my thoughts.

"Uh... sorry, what?"

"Shall we go?" He gently pulls on my hand, which is still firmly in his. I nod and as if everything wasn't confusing enough, it feels like 1500 butterflies are flapping their wings in my stomach. Oh my God...

Nika wasn’t kidding, the sweets stand is absolutely overwhelming. There's everything you'd expect from a proper Christmas market: roasted almonds, gingerbread hearts and chocolate marshmallows in what feels like an infinite number of different variations. We buy a bit of everything we like and our bag is huge. Obviously Adrien has just as much of a sweet tooth as I do.

"Oh wow, this is so good! You have to try it!" Adrien holds a bite of brittle chocolate marshmallow under my nose, completely thrilled.

"YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES! MUST YOU ALWAYS HAVE WHAT IS MINE? BUY IT YOURSELF IF YOU WANT IT!"

So loud... he is so damn loud. I hold back at the last moment. "Oh, no thanks! I don't want to take anything away from you if it tastes so good."

"But I’d like to share it with you. Please." Adrien's voice is honest and friendly, I think he means it.

"Okay..." I carefully bite into the soft mass in his hand. The chocolate cracks and the sweet sugar foam with the chocolate and crunchy pieces of brittle is absolutely amazing. Obviously, my face can't hide my excitement, because Adrien laughs heartily.

"Isn’t it amazing?"

His laugh is infectious and I realize that a grin is spreading across my face. “It really is!"

***

Adrien didn't let go of my hand the whole evening. Constantly stroking me gently with his thumb. Such a small touch, but it felt so good.

Now we are standing in front of Nika’s and élias's house. I’m going to spend the night there, it's far too inconvenient to drive back to the German side of the border now. We have to say goodbye. But... how? Does he want to kiss me? Do I want him to? I don't know.

Adrien hesitantly stands in front of me. "Good night, Philipp! Thank you for this amazing evening!" Then he kisses me gently on the cheek. His lips are soft, but his stubble is a little scratchy. It feels good, unexpectedly good. My stomach warms up. "Sleep well." With those words, he lets go of my hand, waves to Nika and élias and leaves.

"Sleep well!" My fingers search for the spot Adrien just kissed. That was... oh wow...