Page 40 of Bluebird

Adrien

"Nice conclusion." élias grins, asshole. No, not an asshole, actually they're both right. Philipp and I have become closer again in the last few weeks and months, we've talked, we’ve cried. We know everything about each other, at least he knows everything about me and he's told me a lot of things about himself. I don't think we have any more secrets left. And yet neither of us dares to take the next step.

Philipp looks at me, his eyes wide, his gaze questioning and fearful. He's always afraid of rejection. No matter how small and harmless the situation may be, the fear almost paralyzes him. "Is that okay for you? My tent isn't really big."

"Yes, that’s fine by me." Philipp answers quickly but he doesn't sound convinced.

"Wonderful! We'll leave you to it then!" Nika knows Philipp well enough to know that nothing is wonderful here, but she completely ignores that. "We're right next to each other, so we've put the table in the middle. You'll see, it's going to be fantastic!" The woman has a way of ignoring potential issues that’s actually impressive. When Nika wants to, she has an "everything will be fine" aura and, excitingly, it’s working for me right now.

"Come on, let's go to the beach for a bit. I want to see the ocean." Philipp loves being by the water, so I'm not surprised his face lights up in a beaming smile when he puts his hand in mine.

"Wow, it's so beautiful here." We've been walking through the ankle-deep surf for a while now. "I'd like to be mad at Nika..."

"And élias!" I add.

Philipp looks at me in disbelief. "You don't seriously think he had anything to do with this idea. He was involved, but the plan clearly bears Nika's signature."

"You underestimate him, believe me. He just has the better poker face."

Philipp thinks for a moment, weighing up my words, not really convinced by my assessment. "Okay, then I'd like to be mad at both of them, but... " He looks uncertainly into the water in front of him and stops. As he narrows his eyes, I know he's struggling.

I would love to take some of the weight off his shoulders, but I can't do that. I can only hold him tightly so that it doesn't feel quite so heavy for him to carry alone. When he looks at me again, I see the storm in his eyes. "I... I'm glad we're here. That we're together."

I wrap both arms around him and hold him tightly against my body. My head presses into this little hollow at the transition from neck to shoulder. My favorite place. "Me too, Philipp. Me too."

Just a whisper, barely audible, but he understood me immediately. His body relaxes and he leans into our embrace. He wants that. Maybe I need to show him more clearly that he can really have it.

***

"What's your story?" Philipp's question at dinner comes out of nowhere and Nika and élias look at each other in surprise. I had expected Nika to tell their story, but élias takes her hand and begins.

"We met here two years ago. We were both here with friends. Nika fascinated me from the very first moment. I had given up on ever finding a girl who was interested in me. Especially not the prettiest of all of them. It took me a long time to believe that she was serious with me. But she never gave up on me."

"Then Nika is your first girlfriend?" I knew that, I also know that élias had all his firsts with Nika, including his first kiss, but Philipp sounds surprised.

"Yes, she is. And my last." He kisses Nika gently on the forehead.

"When I came to this island two years ago, my anxiety disorder was worse than ever before. I was already drawn to élias before I even really see him, and then he was so open and vulnerable. Something I hadn't allowed myself to be for so long because no one wanted to see it. He wasn't just interested in my body – he wanted me, and everything that went along with that."

"I still want you." Four such simple words and Nika beams. I want that too. With Philipp. Maybe I need to take the next step and show him how much I want to be with him so that there are no doubts. So that he can't question me. I turn my head towards Philipp and two moss-green eyes look at me, almost as if they are asking me "Do you want me too? Even with my issues and worries?"

It's late when we retire to the tents. While élias, Nika and I brush our teeth at the pitch, Philipp goes to the wash house. When he comes back, he's wearing a thin long sleeve shirt. It's still really warm. I had actually planned to sleep shirtless, but maybe that's not a good idea.

I crawl into the tent first and when Philipp crawls in after me, I grab his hips and pull him close to me. His back is against my chest, and I nuzzle into his neck. I can feel him breathing and I can feel his shoulders relax. Suddenly, Philipp grabs my hand and pulls it to his chest. I don't want to know how much effort that took him. But I know what it means.