Page 49 of Bluebird

Philipp

"Why are you grinning like that?"

"Just because, no reason in particular." Nika's eyes pierce me, and I just can't get the corners of my mouth under control. Shit. Why is she so good? She's holding my gaze, just waiting for me to look away first or start smiling for real. "Tell me. I know you. You have a secret,” she pauses, then her eyes get big. “Woah, I know it!"

I rarely see my best friend this excited and enthusiastic since she's been away studying during the week. When we’re dancing, yes, but otherwise... Most of the time I don't get more than a faint twitch of the corners of her mouth, but the smile no longer reaches her eyes. I know it's hard for her not to see élias every day, I understand why she feels the way she does, but it's still hard for me to deal with it.

She's been my rock for the last year, holding me up. There's hardly anything left of the young woman who told Adrien and me three months ago that we should finally get our shit together. Now she's like a sandcastle on the beach when the tide comes in. Every wave takes a bit of her with it and I'm afraid of what will happen when there's nothing left of her.

Now, in this little moment, some of her fire is back. The impulsiveness and the quick mouth, both of which are only there when she's doing well mentally. At least to some extent.

Nika's voice softens considerably and she leans towards me a little. "You guys slept together, right?" Damn, she's good.

Embarrassed, I drop my head onto my chest. My curls cover my eyes, but I can't hide my broad smile for the life of me and I don't want to. Especially not in front of Nika. I nod slightly and she throws her arms around my neck. "What a huge step. I'm so proud of you. How was it?"

"Adrien had the idea that maybe it would be easier for me if I topped... He had the idea that it might not trigger me… that way."

Nika looks at me expectantly. "So, go on!"

"You're really impatient today." I love teasing her and I have a feeling right now she can take it.

"No! You're just terribly slow." Yes, that's my Nika and I love that I'm the one pulling her out of the dark clouds that surround her right now.

"It was good."

"Just good?"

That woman. "No, more than just good. It was so much more than I could ever have imagined."

"Believe me, I know exactly what you mean." When Nika talks about élias, everything about her is so soft, so loving and I sometimes wonder if Adrien looks like that when he talks about me. And I wonder something else, but I don't really know how to say it without sounding totally stupid.

"What's going on in that head of yours? Spit it out." That's exactly what I mean. It's scary.

"When we slept together yesterday... and I was inside Adrien... it didn't hurt him."

"Then you did a good job with prep. You're not that small though, it can always sting a little. You just have to go slow." How does Nika know that I... never mind, not relevant now.

"I wasn't...um...gentle the whole time...but it was still good for him." I feel totally stupid, but even though she's not a man, I know that Nika has experience with anal sex and in the end it doesn't make a difference, does it? In how it feels, yes, definitely, but in the execution. Probably not... right?

"It's a muscle you can stretch and relax. élias is long, but not excessively large in girth..." Lalala... too much information... lalala... Oh my God! "...I hardly need any prep if he goes slowly using enough lube. I actually like it when there's a bit of a sting. Depending on the toy, it can be completely different."

I appreciate Nika's openness, but she's planting images in my head that I'll never ever get rid of. "What kind of toys?" My voice trails off and I wish I was cooler with this, but I'm not. At least my head is quiet. It's been mostly quiet since Adrien and I started dating properly. Adrien is living proof that there wasn’t an ounce of truth in all his insults and humiliation.

"There’s a huge variety of things. Plugs, dildos, ball chains in different designs, for example. You're curious, aren't you?"

I nod. "I could never imagine that anyone could seriously like this until yesterday, when I saw how Adrien felt, how he... how he enjoyed every thrust. There was no pain on his face, just happiness and ecstasy. And I wonder... if I could have that too..."

"Talk to him and find a way together. Then it will work."

***

"I've thought of something..." We're sitting on the sofa making out, but I can't hold on any longer. I've been tossing the thought back and forth in my head for a week. I want this. I at least want to try it. If it doesn't work for me, that's okay, but I have to give it a try.

"I... uh... I was thinking... so... uhm…" Confident much, Philipp, great move. The stammering is hardly embarrassing, not at all. "I want you to... with your finger. I want to know what it feels like. But... I'm afraid that it will hurt and that it will trigger me."

Adrien looks at me with wide gray eyes. The gray rain clouds in his gaze are stormier than they have been for a long time. He is struggling with himself. He is torn between "Oh my God, yes! This is so hot!" and "No, there's no way I can take the risk and do this." Suddenly he stands up. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes." My answer rushing out without hesitation.

"I have an idea, but I don't want to tell you about it yet. You just have to promise that you'll let me know immediately if anything is unpleasant. And now onto the bed. On your back, briefs off. Close your eyes. I'll be right with you." His tone is not dominant, but playful and light. Excited. Thrilled. And I'm more than hard as I lie naked and with my eyes closed on his bed, waiting for him.

"I'm back." His lips touch mine. At first he’s kissing my lips, then my entire upper body, until he eventually reaches my cock. Oh shit, I love it when he plays with my glans. I wait for him to ask me to turn around. That's what I'm most afraid of. But it doesn't happen. "Bend your legs, please."

Okay. Better than on all fours, much better, but I still feel very... naked, open, vulnerable. Everything is full on display for him. Then there's his first touch, gentle, tender, as always when he touches me. Never too much. It's strange at first, but not bad.

"Okay?"

"Mhm." I nod quickly. Adrien increases the pressure a little, but it's still good. No pain. On the contrary, it feels good and I realize I want more. My cock feels the same way and I'm almost disappointed when he takes his finger away.

I hear the click of the lube and I tense up as if on cue. Fuck, I thought I was getting used to the sound in a positive context. "I'm not doing anything you don't want. We don't have to go on, but if we do, I need you to relax. I don't want it to hurt you." I feel his finger on my hole again. He massages with pressure, but never enough to break the barrier that this little ring of muscle is still very vehemently forming.

And then I feel something else. I don't understand what it is and I don't understand what is happening. I feel something small and soft penetrating me, but I only feel the material. No pressure, no sting, no pain. And then I feel it inside me. Fuck. It feels deep. Oh my God.

My head falls backwards. Whatever it is, it moves back and forth, in and out. The feeling is light, subtle, but definitely there. Like someone is stroking my inner upper arm with a feather. Like I'm being tickled from the inside. I hate being tickled, but those nerve endings inside me seem to have a completely different attitude. They set off a thousand little fireworks and I feel like I'm going to explode.

"Fuuuuck, oh my God! What are you doing? What is that? Don't stop! Feels so good. I... oh my god..." I babble some incoherent crap as Adrien keeps moving this magic thing inside me. When he grabs my cock, I finally take off into other spheres.

"Ah, yes... fuck, yes... don't stop... don't ever stop... Ahh!" Endorphins flood my body in a wave that breaks over me with full force as I come. I feel like I'm floating two feet above myself. Light as a feather.

Loud laughter and tears both find their way to the surface, so many feelings at once. When I open my eyes, Adrien is kneeling between my legs, grinning knowingly. "Good, right?"

I exhale loudly. "So good. What was that?"

"That's what you want to know now, huh?"

I look around searchingly, but I can't see anything.

"It's still inside you. I didn't want to spoil the fun of pulling out." My ass tightens all by itself at the thought, but I can't feel anything... until Adrien pulls gently, very slowly. There it is again, that feather-light tickle that makes my skin tingle all over my body. Fuck.

I can feel a little nub slipping out of my muscle, but still, no pain. "Here..." Embarrassed and a little unsure, Adrien holds out the item that just rocketed me into weightlessness. I stare back and forth between him and his hand in disbelief. If I hadn't just experienced it myself, I would have never thought that such a small item could have such an effect. "I wanted something you might feel a little, but with the guarantee it wouldn't hurt. I didn't expect it to go off like that though." Grinning, Adrien shrugs his shoulders, still holding a rather long cotton swab.

"Is that from an old COVID test? It is, isn't it? Oh my God. That's brilliant." We both burst out laughing and I pull my boyfriend to my chest. Everything is sticky, but we both don't care right now. “Thank you."

"For what?"

"For your crazy ideas, for never losing sight of how I'm doing and what I need. And thank you for never denying me anything, even if you're just as scared as I am that it might go wrong. Thank you for always letting me have the final decision about what happens to my body."

"You don't have to thank me for that. That should go without saying and I'm still angry that you had to experience it differently. And with that I'm all the more grateful that you decided to trust me. And that you are so brave with me. I love that you are so brave with me. I love you!"

"And I love you, Adrien."