Page 22 of Bluebird

Adrien

"Did you hear something?"

"Adrien, calm down." How the hell am I supposed to calm down? The man who has become more important to me in the last few months than anyone else in the world stormed out of my apartment almost 1.5 hours ago. I haven't heard from him since. I found his wallet in the hallway and his phone under my bed, which means I can't even reach him. And what if he needs someone? Fuck...

"I can't calm down, I'm going crazy! What if something has happened? He has nothing on him, no phone, no wallet, no ID, nothing! I shouldn't have let him go, but it all happened so fast and I was so shocked and..."

"Hey, calm down. Philipp is with us. He was at our door half an hour ago. I was just about to call you. A couple must have picked him up somewhere and they brought him here. He actually wanted to go home."

"With the tram? At this hour?"

"Yes, they told him that too and he didn't know where else to go."

It's not just a stone falling from my heart, but a whole mountain. "How is he?"

"Not good. He's crying and he's sure you don't want him. What happened, Adrien?"

I don't want him? How can he think that? Because I didn't want to sleep with him? Like this!?! "To be honest, I don't know exactly what happened myself." I know élias can't see me, but I hang my head anyway. "We kissed and everything was fine and then... I don't know what I did, but... he thought I wanted to sleep with him and he... shit, I don't even know how to put it."

"Philipp said he asked for prep and you said no. Dude, for real?! That hurts like shit!" élias's tone is accusatory. And rightly so, if that was really what happened.

"What, no, it wasn't like that! Not at all! I..." I'm so confused and upset that I don't even immediately got what he's said. "Wait, how do you know what prep is and that it hurts like shit without it?"

"Don't get distracted!"

"Same to you! Tell me! Have you ever?"

There is silence at the other end of the line. "Have you? With Nika?"

"Who else?"

"I'll take that as a yes! Who's did whom?"

"Adrien, seriously, I think we've got more important things right now..." élias takes a deep breath. "Can we get back to the matter now? Philipp’s completely lost. What's happened?"

"If I knew... To be honest, I don't understand it either..."

"Did you say no when he asked for prep?"

"Hell, no! Well, yes, but I didn't mean it like that. Philipp was... he was shaking all over, he didn't want to have sex, he was panicking! I said no because I didn't want to sleep with him in the first place. Not like that! I told him that too, but he suddenly jumped up and ran out of the apartment." I wait for a reaction, but there's silence on the other end of the line. "élias? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, sorry... I'm just trying to understand what happened... Can I talk to Nika about that?"

"If you think it helps… And that makes two of us. Can you let me know if you have any ideas? No shit, I have no idea what happened. I thought we were getting closer, that I had a chance, now I don't know anything. I like him... I don't want to lose him."

***

The last week was terrible. I haven't heard anything from Philipp, at least not directly. Not knowing how he's doing is driving me crazy and not knowing where we stand hurts. I miss him and my fear that there's no going back for us is eating me up. élias picked up Philipp's things straight after our phone call, but didn't say anything else. Just like the rest of the week. We talk about all sorts of things, as usual, but not about this. The elephant in the room…

"What are you doing today?"

"Nika has practice until 9 pm. We haven't talked about what we're going to do after that."

"Do you think maybe the four of us could...?"

élias looks at me sympathetically. "Didn't he answer?"

Shaking my head, I rest my chin on the palm of my hand and my gaze wanders into nothingness.

"I don't know much either, okay. But Nika says Philipp isn't doing well. He doesn't talk much and listens even less. She says he's fighting, but she doesn't know what. Give him time." I don't want to hear that. I wrote to Philipp again and again all week.

"Hey... I just wanted to hear how you're doing?"

"Hey...I haven't heard from you for two days now. I hope everything's okay with you so far?"

"Hey... I have no idea what happened Friday night. But if I hurt you in any way or got too close to you, I'm so sorry, please believe me. I didn't mean to."

No reply, nothing. Not even two blue ticks to indicate that he has read the message.

"It's only been a week, I know it feels like an eternity, but it's not."

"Just let me come with you when you pick up Nika. I'll drive you there and then leave, but I need to see him. Just see him. Nothing else. I promise." Begging isn't really my thing, but I'm desperate... and so empty.