Page 28 of Bluebird

Adrien

The tears run of their own accord. I can't stop them. And I don't want to either. I've waited so long for Philipp to show me that he cares about me. That we have a chance. His eyes have said so much, so much he can't verbalize at the moment, but it's there. He feels it, just like I do.

Everything was always so easy with my ex, at least until he lashed out at me in front of about 150 people, as if I had come on to him and was harassing him. But until then... I can't remember any problems. Nothing is simple with Philipp, nothing is easy. And yet, from the very beginning, everything in me was fighting against giving up on this man. Now, in this moment, I'm so grateful I’ve been listening to my intuition rather than my mind. And to élias and Nika.

I let my head sink onto Philipp's. My nose and mouth touch his curls, and I give him a gentle kiss on the top of his head.

He holds his breath for a brief moment, his muscles tense as if he is waiting for something. Then the tension falls away and his shoulders relax. I’d love to look into that pretty head of his. He is afraid. But of what? And why?

"Talk to each other," Nika said. Not today, after drinking all night. I know she's right, but for today we've come so much further than I ever thought possible, the big talk can wait.

***

"Put on something warm. Really warm!" I don't really understand what Philipp is trying to tell me, but I do it anyway. "Long underpants too or tights or something like that!"

Excuse me? What's he up to? Yes, it's cold today. But I've already been out to the bakery, and I haven't needed long johns. Nevertheless, I do as he says and rummage in the furthest corner of my closet for my skiing underwear. They are the opposite of sexy, but to be honest, I don't think we need sexy today.

Philipp and I are meeting at the main station in Strasbourg, but I’m just picking him up and then we'll drive somewhere. Oh, and I'm supposed to bring an empty backpack. That's all I know.

Philipp's hair should be banned. I can see him standing next to the main entrance from a distance. He has a backpack on his back and a basket in the crook of his left arm. With his right hand, he's constantly fighting a wild strand of hair that doesn't want to stay where he wants it to and it's so incredibly cute that I can't help but smile.

I pull over and let Philipp get in. He stows his stuff in the trunk, then hops in onto the passenger seat.

"Hey! Good to see you. Thanks for picking me up." He's a little pink under his freckles, but there's no reason for it.

"No problem, I’m happy to." Philipp doesn't have a car and, to be honest, he doesn't need one, and neither does élias. Nika and I both have one and one of us is always driving anyway. Philipp looks at me shyly, a slightly insecure smile playing around his lips.

"Where do we have to go?"

He flinches in surprise. "Oh, yes! We need to get back on the German side, but not via Kehl, over the Pierre-Pflimmdingsda Bridge. From there, I'll tell you the exact route."

***

Twenty-five minutes later, we are standing in front of a wooden bridge that leads over a small icy stream. Our backpacks are packed with snacks, blankets, mugs and a thermos flask.

I'm beginning to understand the long johns and am glad that I've also put on the matching undershirt. It's easily another 5°C colder here than in the city. It's freezing, literally. Just above zero degrees, if that.

"Where are we?"

"Floodplain wilderness trail. We are here in the Rhine floodplains. When the Rhine has too much water, everything here is flooded."

"That's why there’s this thing that shows the water level and the barrier."

"Yeah, exactly, everything here has been left as natural as possible and the path is not always accessible."

Philipp's nose and cheeks are already red from the cold, but his eyes are shining with enthusiasm. "Shall we?" He stands expectantly on the bridge.

"Absolutely!"

After just a few meters, we are in a world of its own. The path is narrow and uneven. There are trees lying across or branches hanging low all along the path and we have to climb over or crawl under them to get any further. This is so much fun.

"Have you been here before?"

A brief shadow passes over Philipp's eyes as he shakes his head quickly.

"Then how do you know about this?"

His gaze is uncertain again as he answers. "The path is very popular around here, I've wanted to walk it for a long time, but... Ah, look! There's a viewing platform!"

The platform came into view just in time for Philipp to escape talking. I smile to myself, it's so typical for him. But we still have plenty of time today.

The view from the platform is impressive. All untouched nature, trees, reeds and a small river covered in a thin layer of ice. We stand there for a moment, but Philipp can hardly keep still, he is vibrating with energy that needs to get out.

"You want to go on, don't you?" Grinning, I take a step towards him and pull his cap back over his ears. Even though Philipp and I are actually almost the same height, his head is always lowered when he looks at me. It feels like I'm towering over him and he's tiny and has to look up at me. Sometimes I get the feeling, it has something to do with submissiveness, as if he's deliberately putting himself one step below me. Creating a hierarchy.

I gently pull his chin up with two fingers so that he looks me straight in the eye. "That's better. Do you want to go on?"

"We can stay here a little longer, I..." Philipp's voice is nervous, he barely manages to maintain eye contact.

"That wasn't the question. What do you want?"

"I... shit... uh... okay... I'm so nervous, walking is easier than standing." A storm is raging in Philipp's head, I can see it in his eyes.

"Okay, come on then. We'll go on."

"No, we can still... if you'd rather still be here..."

I lean forward a little, my mouth on his ear. "We'll do as you wish." Then I give him a kiss on the temple and push past him to the stairs and back to the path. Philipp stands rooted to the spot. There's something bewildered in his expression as I turn back to him. "Are you coming?" Grinning, I hold out my hand to him.

With his typical shake of the head, a smile flits across his face. As he passes, he grabs my hand and pulls me along. "Come on then!"

"Wow... this is beautiful here..." We are standing on a narrow but high wooden bridge, below us a small stream flows into a wider arm of the Old Rhine. As I learned today, the river Rhine was not always so straight, but was straightened for traffic reasons and there are still remnants of the original course of the river here in the Rhine floodplains.

It is quiet and cold, you can't hear much more than our breathing and the sound of the water. Nature is still asleep. "It must be great in summer when everything is green."

"In theory, yes, but the gnats eat you up here as soon as it gets warm. There are also a lot more people here then." Neither sounds very appealing, but maybe in spring or something.

"Do you need something to warm you up?" Philipp points questioningly at my hands. I hadn't even noticed that I was rubbing them together.

"Uh... no, I'm fine. It’s not that bad." I don’t want him to think he's done anything wrong, or that I don’t like the date.

"We could sit up there on the tree trunk and drink some hot tea." Philipp's voice is cautious and quiet.

"That sounds good, I’d love to." Good is the understatement of the year. Best idea ever!

We sit opposite each other, the tree trunk between our legs and a mug of hot tea in our hands. "I have puff pastry buns, too. With bacon and cheese. Freshly baked this morning..."

Philipp speaks quietly and more to his cup than to me, almost as if he's embarrassed.

"Wow. You're really spoiling me." I take a hearty bite of one of the buns and damn, they’re delicious. Philipp watches me chew with an uncertain look. I don't really want to speak with my mouth full, but I can't stop myself. "Mmmh... they're amazing!"

"Yeah?" His cheeks turn pink and Philipp bites his lower lip nervously.

"Yeah. Thank you! For everything, for this great date!"