Page 18 of Bluebird
Philipp
"WHAT THE FUCK? AM I YOUR MOMMY? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! ALWAYS SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN! OVER EVERY LITTLE THING! YOU'RE SO WHINY! IF I LIKED PUSSY I'D BE WITH A GIRL!"
His voice is loud, so terribly loud. I'm caught between panic and something new... an almost painful need for closeness. It's raging in my head and he's screaming at me. But I long so much for the feeling I had this afternoon. That brief moment of freedom was so... I felt so light.
Adrien took me by surprise when he stole my hat, so there was no time to think about what I did. I have no idea when I last felt so myself.
"I'm here, no matter how much time you need. I'll wait for you." Adrien's voice, so gentle, so genuine, so unlike anything I knew. I believed every word he said in that moment. And when he held me like that, with his hand on the back of my neck... okay, admittedly, for the first ten seconds I was waiting for him tighten his grip but when nothing happened it felt good, safe.
I've never felt safe since my ex. I want that feeling back, desperately, and I'm willing to fight for it. Against myself and against the angry, humiliating screaming in my head.
"May I?" Adrien stands in front of me with open arms. Yes, I want that. I want this . My legs are moving, there's no turning back now.
"DON'T MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF! NOBODY BUT ME WILL EVER LOVE YOU! TAKE OFF YOUR T-SHIRT AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR! IF HE SAW YOUR ARMS, HE WOULD NEVER TOUCH YOU. NEVER! THAT'S SO DISGUSTING! NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO TOUCH YOU! NO ONE BUT ME!"
My head screams back. "But I don't want to be touched by you ! Not like that! Never again!" Two strong arms embrace my shoulders. I can feel the strength behind them, but also the calm and warmth. Adrien holds me for I don’t know how long.
Suddenly he moves. In one swift movement, he turns me around and I brace myself for the impact. If I'm lucky, he’ll only throw me onto the bed, if not I’ll be up against the wall. Then he’ll fix me with his firm grip on my head and pull down my boxers. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait... But again, nothing happens.
Slowly, he moves us towards the window. His chest close to my back, his hands on my stomach. "Look, the moon!"
I carefully open my eyes. The room is brighter than before and a beautiful full moon is shining on us. The dark cloud that shrouded the room in darkness just five minutes ago has disappeared. My head falls back onto Adrien's shoulder. Very gently, like everything he does, he leans his head down. His stubbly cheek against mine. I try to take a deep breath and surprise myself as a rush of air fills my lungs. I can breathe, Adrien lets me breathe.
***
The last few days have been different and new. Beautiful. Unfamiliar. Always scary. This here with Adrien is so beyond my comfort zone, so far away from anything I considered normal in my last relationship.
It makes no difference to Adrien whether we are alone or in public. Gentle touches when he passes by, a hand on my back, two warm hands on my stomach and his chin on my shoulder. A tender kiss on my forehead or temple. So inconspicuous and so casual, as if they were the most normal things in the world. But they’re not. At least not for me.
My ex touched me for two reasons. In public to mark his territory and at home for sex. When we were out, all it took was another guy looking at me for two seconds too long and I already had his tongue down my throat, aggressive and demanding. Or a hand on the back of my neck, with a tight grip. Thumb on one side, remaining fingers on the other, so he could take me if he had to.
He often had to, had to show the others their place... or me. But the thing is, I knew where I stood. Whether I liked it or not, I had a place, I knew the rules. Now I don't know anything anymore.
When Adrien puts his hand on my back, I think I'd like to lean against it. But then I get scared. What if this is wrong? What will happen then?
I would’ve never been allowed to do that with my ex. None of what he did was tender or gentle, none of it had anything to do with affection. It was never about me; it was always about him. His ego, his reputation, his needs. I don't know what this new intimacy means and what I have to do, and I think Adrien senses my insecurity and my fear. He very carefully seeks out to be near me—to touch me—and it feels incredibly close and intimate. I've never felt this close to my ex. I've never seen anything derogatory in his eyes when Adrien looks at me. Instead, there's so much warmth, always a slight smile on his lips.
His appearance doesn't match the way he is here with me at all. The tattoos and piercings make him look tough, add that to his quiet and shy manner and you'd think Adrien was unapproachable. Yet he is closer to me than anyone has ever been before. Not physically, because even if I don't talk about it, Adrien senses that I can't take this step yet. But emotionally, it feels like he sees me.
"YES, HE SEES YOU! ABSOLUTELY! WITH A T-SHIRT OR SWEATER! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE GOOD LOOKING AS LONG AS YOU'RE DRESSED. HE'S GONE AS SOON AS HE'S SEEN YOUR ARMS. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE BLOOD. NOBODY WANTS TO TOUCH YOUR SCARS! YOU ARE SO PATHETIC! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN, AM I RIGHT?"
Shit! Startled by the loud words in my head, I pull my right hand out of my left t-shirt sleeve. Fuck! Blood and scabs are hanging under my fingernails and a small red trickle is making its way down my upper arm.
"Hey, what's that? You're bleeding."
Oh no... he's seen it, he knows what I'm doing. When did he even come back? Shit...! Adrien's hand comes closer and closer. "May I?"
"No!" With just that one word, I run into the bathroom locking myself in.
It takes me a while to stop the bleeding, but when I come out of the bathroom about an hour later, Adrien is still sitting on our bed. I can't even look at him... how am I supposed to sleep in one bed with him after that?
My eyes search for a safe place while I stand helplessly in the middle of the room.
Adrien pats wordlessly on the mattress next to him. I shake my head resolutely.
"Come to me... please."
Everything inside me is fighting. I feel so naked, caught out, exposed. None of this is Adrien's fault. He holds out his hand to me. What is he thinking about me now? I look hesitantly into his eyes, searching for disgust or rejection, but there's nothing there. More like... compassion? Understanding? I look for a crease between his eyebrows, any sign that he's angry or disappointed. Nothing. An uncertain smile plays around Adrien's lips.
It's loud in my head, nothing I haven't heard a thousand times before. I'm torn, because the words in my head don't match Adrien's facial expression and even less his open attitude.
Ever since I've known Adrien, he has always looked out for me, always shown consideration and never betrayed my trust.
"OH GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW! OR DO I HAVE TO COME AND GET YOU? I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND! I CAN HAVE WHATEVER I WANT FROM YOU, WHENEVER I WANT! DON'T BE LIKE THAT! BE GLAD THAT I WANT YOU AT ALL! WITHOUT ME YOU'D STILL BE A VIRGIN! NOBODY WANTS YOUR PATHETIC ASS BUT ME! NOW SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME!"
Maybe I'd rather still be a virgin, then I'd be tingly and excited when I think about sex. Now I feel the pain and it’s so real that just thinking about it makes me grimace and squint my eyes.
A large hand grabs mine and pulls me out of my thoughts. It gently guides me towards the bed. My heart is pounding in my throat. What happens now?
I try to stay rational. Adrien has never hurt me, neither mentally nor physically, he's not going to start now. But my body reacts on its own and I start to shake.
Just before I'm about to fall onto the bed, I feel Adrien. He's still holding my hand and his forehead is touching mine. "We should get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a busy day and we should be well-rested. It's going to be a long drive."
My eyes are still closed, I can't look him in the eye. But Adrien says nothing. Gently but firmly, he pushes me onto the bed and I roll onto my side. I'm surprised when the bed sinks in behind me. That he still wants to be close to me after all this. It's so completely incomprehensible to me.
Adrien lies down behind me, his chest nestles against my back and he gives me a light kiss on the back of my neck. My head leans into his touch of its own accord, there's nothing I can do about it. Adrien's hand finds its usual place on my stomach and I calm down. My head becomes quiet.