Page 20 of Bluebird

Philipp – one year earlier

I can't do this anymore. After three and a half years I’ve reached rock bottom. I don't know who I am anymore, but in the back of my mind I have a blurred image of who I used to be... and who I wanted to be. And it isn’t who I am today.

When we were still at school together, there was no room for such thoughts. I was too overwhelmed by his presence. But since he graduated, and we don't see each other every day anymore, it feels like the fog is lifting. I don't think it's okay how he treats me or how he talks about me and certainly not how he talks to me. My friends said that from the beginning, but I don't have them anymore. I used to have a lot of them, but then I wasn't allowed to see them anymore and after a while no one got back to me.

“YOU WOULDN’T GO AWAY WITH HIM IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME. YOU DON’T NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO, YOU HAVE ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS WHEN YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE, WHEN YOU DON’T TRUST ME? ARE YOU KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME?”

He was the first boy who really wanted to be with me, in a relationship. I had guys before, a bit of kissing here and there, but when it came to getting serious, they all left. He didn't, and I got attached to him and for a long time I didn't realize what was actually happening, the power he had over me. Now I'm alone, but sometimes it feels better to be alone than with him... actually always lately.

I'm dancing more again, but he can't know that. Dancing is gay... I don't understand that statement. He's with me, after all. He's never been with a girl. So obviously he’s gay, too, but I'm not allowed to dance. That's why I had to leave my last crew, because I didn’t show up for practice enough. I'm dancing by myself now, but maybe I can start practicing again. Somewhere else.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I wonder if there might be more out there for me. Someone who’ll look at me with love, not disgust. I know why he does this. I get it. I can understand that he doesn't want to look at me, at least not naked. When I'm dressed, in public, he shows me off like his pretty trophy. Alone... not so much. But he puts up with me. That's something, isn't it? If I can't have love, if I'm not good enough to be loved, I guess I have to take what I can get, right?

I look at the clock, seven minutes to go. Then the phone will ring, as it does every evening. If I don't answer after the third ring at the latest, I'll have to listen to another tirade again. But it doesn't matter today. I couldn't answer my cell phone at the usual time at school and missed six messages.

"What are you doing?"

"Why aren't you answering?"

"You have a break. Would you rather spend it with someone else than with me?”

“Are you getting fucked in the boys' bathroom? Why aren't you answering me?”

“Am I not good enough for you anymore?"

"You're nothing without me, remember that! You have no one without me!"

True, I am alone without him, but since I stopped seeing him every day, I'm starting to appreciate being alone more and more. I can be alone. Right? He says no one will ever love me the way he does, but do I really want to be loved like that? I don't think so.

Two minutes left. I can feel my hands getting sweaty and my stomach tightening. My mind's running in circles through all the scenarios that could await me on the phone. Humiliation, disappointment, insults, tears, despair... It rings. "Hey..."

"Ah, my boyfriend does me the honor. Very gracious. Am I good enough for you to answer my call now?"

"I had to discuss something with a teacher during break today..."

"I don't give a shit! Do you know what I've been thinking? Always these images in my head of you with some other guy!"

As if he'd ever seen me with anyone else. I feel myself getting angry. That's new. Usually I get defensive, try to appease him, but today I’m just pissed. That will backfire, I know it. I've had to pay dearly for every little rebellion so far. But today I can't control myself.

"Maybe I want something with another guy. Maybe I want something with someone who trusts me and gives me freedom." That was a mistake.

"Don't you love me anymore? You know you're my whole world. I'm nothing without you. I need you. I'm only like this because I can't live without you. You made me like this!"

I don't know what's wrong with me today. It usually hits me when he talks like that. That's how he always gets me, with my guilty conscience and the hope that he's telling the truth. Not today. “I still love you. But I can't go on like this. I feel like I'm suffocating. I need air to breathe. I can't even go to school normally."

"I promise you I'll do better. Tell me what you need, and I'll do it for you!" Today it's desperation. I hate that the most because he always softens me up with it. Because he always makes me promises and doesn't keep them, yet every time I have hope. This time it's different though. It took me over three years to get to where I am today. I understand what he's playing at, and yet I can't get away. "You have no one without me! You're nothing without me!"

"I don't need anything. I need me. I don't know who I am anymore. Since the summer holidays, I'm starting to get an idea of who I used to be when I was thinking for myself and making decisions for myself, and you know what? I like that. I want to keep searching for who I am and what I'm made of."

"I haven't heard shit like that in a long time. Who gave you that fucked up idea? You know nothing good comes out of you thinking too much."

"I don't want to do this anymore." Did I really just say that?

"What's that supposed to mean? Are you breaking up with me? On the phone? You can’t even look me in the eye? Are you really that pathetic?"

Yes, I am. "Yes, I'm breaking up with you." There's a click on the line. Then I have my home screen back on my cell phone. He has hung up. I'm scared. Scared that he could be at my door in fifteen minutes and start a riot. My parents would never let him in if I told them what was going on. So, I go upstairs, then collapse on my bed in tears.

After ten minutes, a message arrives. "Thank you for the wonderful time. My life makes no sense without you. Maybe you’ll still think of me sometimes when you look up into the sky. I can't live without you. I will love you forever, take care."

I am... angry. Yes, I already was earlier, but now I'm really angry. He's blackmailing me with the worst he can do to me, and he knows it. He's destroying me. Knows I could never live with this guilt and yet there's no going back. I can't go back. I call his parents, describe the situation to his mother on the phone. I know he's at home. She says she'll take care of it. That's all I can do. No matter what happens, it's not my fault... is it?

I'm alone. I curl up on my bed, the tears flowing without end in sight. I can't call anyone to be there for me. I have no one. I am alone.