Page 6 of Bluebird

Adrien

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, why? What should be wrong?" élias never believes my bullshit.

"You've been off track all week. Since Saturday, to be precise. Will you please tell me what's going on?"

I'd like to, but I can't. Because then I'd have to tell him that I like men and that I can't get Philipp out of my head. That's not going to happen. I'm too scared that I'll be all alone again.

"It's nothing." I avoid eye contact and hope he'll let it go.

"Adrien..." Ah, fuck, no such luck. I look cautiously at my best friend. His gaze is open and relaxed as always. "I'll ask you directly and I'll tell you right now, I have no problem with it. Do you like men?"

"What makes you think that?" My walls immediately rise up.

"Well, I've been thinking about it for a while. You kept saying things that made me wonder. But on Saturday it was pretty obvious. You like Philipp."

élias puts his arm around my shoulder and I take a deep breath. We're okay, or he wouldn't be doing this, he wouldn’t be touching me. I'm sure of it. He's not someone who plays games, not someone who deliberately hurts other people. "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to hide from me. You don't have to hide at all."

"My experiences after my coming out at my old university tell a different story. Coming here was supposed to be a fresh start." I feel élias's gaze on me and carefully turn to the side. Two wide brown eyes stare at me, his eyebrows raised high. So high that they are above the rims of his glasses. "The story is a little more complicated."

"I've got time, the next lecture is boring as hell anyway."

***

Instead of sitting in the boring as hell lecture, we sit in the empty cafeteria with a coffee. "Okay, that was a shitty move on your ex's part, and I can totally understand why you needed a fresh start. But why not be open about who you are here?"

"The plan was that there wouldn’t be a reason to be open about anything."

élias laughs. "That worked out fantastically."

"Tell me about it,” I chuckle. “The best part is, I don't even know if I have a chance. I had the feeling that Philipp was looking at me or something. But maybe I'm completely wrong and he's only into women and was just looking at my piercings. I don’t know." I'm talking completely incoherent garbage, but I can't stop. "I complimented him, and he blushed and was all shy. Like he didn't know what to talk to me about or... I don't know. I kind of felt like he was afraid of doing something wrong. I asked him normal questions, but he was so nervous. He was looking at the floor most of the time, but he has such beautiful eyes. Did you see Philipp's eyes?"

élias presses his lips together, but I can see the grin in his eyes and the twitching in the corners of his mouth.

"Why are you laughing?" I bury my face in my hands. "It's not funny!"

"Have you been thinking about this since Saturday?"

"Pretty much, yeah... I just don't understand him. On the one hand, I had the feeling that he might like me, but on the other hand, he always kept me at a distance. He even stifled a laugh. Have you seen his smile? It’s just gorgeous. His gaze softens and his face relaxes and his eyes light up and the freckles... oh my God, what am I talking about?"

If élias is annoyed, he doesn't let it show, he's still smiling. "You really got it bad, huh? And you haven't spoken to anyone about it yet?"

Good joke, to whom? No one's been around since the… situation with my ex came out. I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head. "You aside, I don’t have any friends, and with you I was afraid that it would… change things if you knew…"

"That you're gay." It's not a question, it's a statement. I nod. "Adrien, you're my friend and I don't give a fuck who you're into. If you need someone to listen, I'm here, and if you need advice, I'll try my best. But I don't really have any experience with relationships, so I don't know if I’m much help."

"You’re dating the most gorgeous girl. If you don’t have experience, who does?"

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't know what I was doing for a long time and there are still moments when I feel like that. You just have to listen to your heart." It sounds so simple, but the last time I listened to my heart, I was branded as the fag hitting on his straight friend afterwards.

"I don't even know if I have a chance... "

élias clears his throat and scratches his chin. "Well, I think it's okay to tell you this. I only know it from Nika, but if I understood her correctly, Philipp has been out for a long time." I gape at him. "Philipp is gay, Adrien."