Page 21 of Bluebird
Philipp
He doesn't want me. I've done everything wrong. He's disappointed, dissatisfied. He saw me and didn't want me. The idea alone was ridiculous, but for a brief moment it felt so good. So real. My ex was right, no one wants me.
"YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, NOTHING AT ALL! LOOK AT YOU, BE GLAD YOU HAVE ME. YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT ME. KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! DO YOU THINK I WANT TO SEE THAT? OR EVEN TOUCH IT? YOUR LUCK IS THAT YOU HAVE A HOT ASS WHERE I CAN STICK MY COCK. THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOOD FOR! I'LL TALK TO YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE!"
His voice in my head gets louder and louder. One year later, and I can still hear him so crystal clear. I've convinced myself that it was him, that he treated me badly, kept me down, but he was right about me. Tears well up in my eyes and I can't hold them back.
"SISSY! PUSSY! CHICK!"
I walk and walk, my vision blurred and, at some point, I realize I’m lost. I’m in the middle of Strasbourg somewhere, but Strasbourg isn’t a small town. Shit. I look for my phone to see where the next tram stop is, but it's gone. It probably slipped out of my pocket and then everything went down so fast... fuck. I lean against the nearest wall and slump down, burying my head on my knees and in my arms.
"Hey, are you alright?" My French isn't great, but it's good enough for the basics. The young couple looks down at me with concern, they seem nice, not threatening, but what do I know. My ex was always nice too... I shake the thought away and answer in English.
"I don't really know where I am and my phone is gone."
"Do you want to call someone, or should we take you somewhere?"
"To a tram stop perhaps?" I just want to go home.
"That won't really help you, I guess. Based on your accent, you have to get over the border, right? To Kehl? Or even further?"
"Even further."
"There’re no more trains until tomorrow morning and you don't want to spend the night at the main station, believe me." There was something, right. Shit. I hang my head.
"Why are you in Strasbourg? Do you have friends here?"
I can't go back to Adrien, but I wouldn't be able to find my way anyway and I don't have his address. Nika... It's late, very late, half past two, but that would work, wouldn't it? "A friend of mine lives here."
Apparently, we're not that far away, at least that's what they say when I give them her address. And sure enough, fifteen minutes later we're at her front door.
"Thank you so much for picking me up." My head hangs between my shoulders and I look down at my feet.
"It's all good. You looked like you'd had a rough night. I never would have forgiven myself if you'd hurt yourself, even accidently."
I shake my head. No, I wouldn't have, not that. I'm not saying I deal with my emotions in a healthy way, but I know what it feels like to lose someone, suddenly and without warning. I know we're never safe, but I would never do that to someone on purpose, ever. I have other methods if it has to hurt.
"LEAVE YOUR SHIRT ON! THAT'S DISGUSTING! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT!"
That is the price.
"Ring the bell, if no one's home we'll have to think of something else."
Damn, I've drifted off. I quickly press the button with élias's surname and only a short time later I hear his voice over the intercom.
"Philipp here, I..." I don't get any further because the door buzzes and I can go in.
"Thanks again, honestly, I'd still be sitting there."
The girl smiles. "No problem, take care." And with that, the two turn and walk away.
I turn around and climb the stairs. My hands are getting clammy, what will I say when they ask me what's going on? And Nika will ask. élias is close with Adrien, maybe he already knows what I did. What a loser I am.
They are both standing in the doorway as I turn the last corner in the stairwell and one look is enough. They know. I'm about to turn back around when Nika runs towards me and grabs my wrist. "Stop! What are you doing? Where are you going? Come in!"
Her hands grip my upper arms firmly. We dance together, I know her touches, they are familiar and associated with something positive, I can relax. My head falls onto her shoulder and I can feel my cheeks getting wet.
"Come with me. We'll talk inside, not here in the stairwell in the middle of the night." Nika never speaks German when élias is with her, but she does now. Probably because she knows how much her familiar voice in our familiar language reassures me. "Do you want some tea?"
Ten minutes later, we are sitting on the sofa. The offer for tea has turned into coffee, which I much prefer. I'll never forget the look élias got for even mentioning the word coffee. Little pointed arrows of ice shot out of Nika's eyes, and any normal person would have fled in fear, but élias just laughed and gave her a kiss on the tip of her nose, asking her, "Rooibos or lemon verbena for you?"
"I’d love Rooibos and thank you."
"No thanks needed." élias would never tease Nika maliciously, but he loves to provoke her, to tickle reactions out of her.
He can really get his girlfriend going with just one sentence, only to bring her down again with the next. And even if she rolls her eyes every time, the small, mischievous smile reveals that she really enjoys his relaxed attitude.
I'm so happy for them, I really am, but seeing them like this is incredibly painful. How could I have been so stupid as to think I could have that too? Me of all people.
"What happened?" Nika's voice is soft but demanding, nonetheless.
"What do you know?"
"It doesn't matter, I want to hear it from you." No bullshit, I knew it. Shit... talking is so hard. I haven't had anyone to talk to for so long that I don't know how to share my problems anymore.
"We kissed." A grin flits across Nika's face and makes her eyes light up briefly. She has beautiful eyes, piercing blue-gray, but not as extraordinary as Adrien's stormy gray.
"How was it?"
"Nice... very nice, actually." I've never been kissed like that in my entire life. It really felt like... like he liked me. Tears well up in my eyes. Great...
"So why are you here?"
There's no way I can tell them the whole story, but they probably already know from Adrien anyway. I rub my eyes with my sleeve.
"I... Adrien lifted my shirt and I thought he wanted sex and then I got ready... but..." Oh God, this is so embarrassing. Tears well up in my eyes again and I press the heels of my hands into my sockets. "I asked him if he would... if I... if he would stretch me open before... before he went inside me... you know. But he said no."
"What? He wanted to have sex with you without prep?" élias hears the anger in Nika's voice and asks anxiously what’s going on. With a glance, she gets my permission to translate. "You can't have anal without prep, everyone knows that. Well, you can, but it just hurts."
Yes, everyone who has ever dealt with this subject knows that. Even my ex knew that, he just didn't care. I just wouldn't have guessed that my two straight friends were familiar with anal sex. This realization confuses me so much that I am momentarily distracted by their admission.
"You know your way around?" I try to formulate the question carefully.
"Yes."
"Obviously."
Both answer without hesitation. Okay... "Do you have... anal sex? You don't have to answer that if it's too private!"
Nika and élias exchange a quick glance, then élias answers. "Yes, we have. That's why we know how important it is to be well prepared. I can't imagine Adrien seeing it any differently."
"I don't know. But he didn't want to have sex with me. He said not like that, that would be wrong... He didn't want me. Adrien didn't want me." Tears are now running down my cheeks. "I... I thought he liked me... that he wanted this too... but I was wrong and he was right. No one will ever want me... and I was stupid enough to get my hopes up..."
"Who is he?" Nika looks at me, confused.
"My ex. I always thought he said that to keep me quiet, to control me... but he was right." I sit on the sofa with my legs drawn up and my head on my knees. élias slowly gets up and sinks down next to me on the sofa. It's quite cramped between the three of us, but if it bothers him, he doesn't let it on.
élias rests his elbows on his thighs and hangs his head so that he doesn't have to look at me. "I don't know what Nika told you about us or about me, but I know this feeling and I know your thoughts. You don't want to know how much time I've wasted doubting us, doubting Nika and doubting myself." Nika didn't say anything except that her story was difficult. I know about her problems, her anxiety disorder, but this is all new.
"I know Adrien and if there's one person in this world who wants you, really wants you, it's him. I..." At that moment, élias's cell phone rings and I see Adrien's name light up on the screen. "Sorry, but I have to take this."