Page 15 of Bluebird

Adrien

I actually thought Philipp and I were good after he put his hand in mine. The look of panic in his eyes and the matching expression on his face when he sees our bed suggests otherwise.

"Didn't Nika tell you that we're sharing the guest room?"

Philipp swallows hard. He lets go of my hand and wraps his arms tightly around his body. "She did... but not that we're sharing a bed. Such a small one..."

It’s a normal queen sized bed. Not huge, but not tiny either. And I thought we were slowly getting a bit closer...

"You can take the bed, I can sleep on the floor. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. That's the last thing I want..."

"That’s a sweet offer, I mean it, but far too cold and terribly uncomfortable..." His gaze wanders around the room and I know he's looking for an alternative, but the room simply doesn't offer one and the house is packed with élias, Nika, his family and us. "It's fine. I'm just not used to sharing a bed with someone anymore. So...close, you know?"

Philipp stares out of the window, trying hard to avoid any kind of eye contact. I've already noticed that he has a strange relationship with physical touch. The mere fact that he takes my hand takes a lot of strength every time. He thinks I don't notice, but I'm not stupid. He kept me at a distance from the beginning, but I was just patient and hoped that he would open up a bit over time.

"I'll curl up very small on my side, you won't even notice me when we're asleep. I promise!"

A small smile flits across Philipp's face. "Okay. Adrien?"

I'm just on my way out of the room when he calls after me. Surprised, I turn to him.

"Thank you... for your patience with me. I know I'm exhausting. I don't want to be like this, but..." He hangs his head in frustration. I can't possibly leave him like this and even though I always feel like I'm dancing on a tightrope without a net when I'm close to Philipp, I have to do something to make him feel better. I carefully run my hand through his curls and I can feel his whole body tense up.

I quickly pull my hand back. "Sorry, I didn't mean to overstep. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." Philipp shyly lifts his head and looks me in the eye. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you home for Christmas?"

My favorite question. I squint and breathe in and out deeply. "My parents didn't take my coming out last spring as well as I'd hoped..."

Philipp's eyes grow wide. "You aren't allowed to come home?"

"No, it's not that. I could have gone home, but my parents just completely deny the fact that I'm gay. They want to set me up with some daughters they know or ask me about some female celebrities or something. They act as if my sexuality is a phase that will pass. You know, I don't even expect them to be super excited or want to talk to me about it all the time or anything. They could completely ignore it, but to pretend that I’m not gay, that hurts. And I just don't feel like doing that."

"I can understand that... I never had that problem, my parents were always totally open. That made things a lot easier and I'm super grateful for them. It was difficult enough coming to terms with the fact that I like boys for myself. I'm glad I never had to worry about my parents' reaction."

"But you came out to your parents at some point, weren't you nervous then?"

"I never came out to my parents, at least not in the traditional sense. My parents taught us from an early age that it didn't matter who we brought home and that there was no need to make an official thing of it. I trusted that they really meant it and brought home boys. That's it." Philipp shrugs his shoulders sheepishly. Wow... I would have liked that too. I'm a little envious. Okay, more than a little...

***

The evening is quiet. élias's mother cooked dinner and we are all sitting together comfortably. We talk about everything and nothing.

"So honey, we already know why Adrien can't be home for Christmas. What about you? We're delighted that you're here, of course, but I'm a bit curious. I hope you can forgive me." élias's mom is just so terribly nice and charming, no matter how personal the questions are, you just have to answer them because you don't want to disappoint her.

Philipp is sitting next to me, my arm behind him over the back of the sofa and even though I'm not actually touching him, I can feel him flinch next to me. "Maman, you can't just ask something like that!" élias not only gives his mother a scolding look, but also speaks French to emphasize his point. We've been speaking English all evening so far.

Philipp looks around uncertainly, "Um... I... uh..." Nervously, he wipes his palms dry on his thighs. I gently reach for his left hand and give him a light kiss on the knuckles. He goes stiff next to me, but he doesn't pull away his hand.

"Ah, now I see. You two didn't want to be apart for so long, celebrating New Year's together! I can understand that. Of course, you always want to start the New Year with your loved ones, don't you?" She looks promptly at her husband, who quickly nods his head in confirmation. "I was afraid it might be strange for you two to share a bed! But luckily that's not a problem at all!"

I don't know the reason why Philipp is here, I just know that’s not it. But if he wants to use this little white lie, I'm perfectly fine to go along with it. The answer everyone is waiting for doesn't come. He smiles sheepishly, apologizes for being tired and makes his way to our room.

I don't really know what to do, whether he wants to be alone, but Nika motions for me to go after him and so two minutes later I'm standing behind him, my hands on his upper arms. The moment I touch him, his tension rises again and I pull my hands away.

"I'm sorry." What is he apologizing for? He tugs nervously at his t-shirt and tries to pull the short sleeves down a little further.

"It's okay. I don't want to do anything that's not right for you."