Page 50 of Bluebird

Philipp

"So, are you nervous?" Adrien grabs my waist from behind and pulls me towards him.

"Not yet. Probably kicks in before we go on stage. But from what I've seen so far, the others are no big competition. Top 3 should definitely be possible."

"Pretty confident."

"I know what we can do." I raise my eyebrows challengingly.

Adrien laughs and spins me around in one swift motion so we're face to face. "Give 'em hell, baby!" His lips find mine and I can't resist taking a bite of one of his snakebites. I love playing with them, with my tongue or my teeth, it doesn't matter. My parents reacted a little cautiously when I brought Adrien home for the first time. But the initial shock was quickly forgotten when they got to know him. His calm and reserved nature resonated particularly well with my mother. They are so alike. Maybe that's why I was immediately attracted to Adrien, maybe that's why I felt so safe with him so fast. I didn't really realize how similar they were until I saw them together.

"That was so good! The way we delivered on that stage today – we’re fucking invincible today!” We're all sweaty from dancing under the spotlight. It's always hot on stage but even more with all the adrenaline and endorphins flowing through our bodies. The crowd in the hall went wild when we were dancing, which is always a good sign. There'll be one other crew on stage after us, but we should have this thing in the bag.

While the jury is evaluating and making their decision, a local band that Nika and I want to see is playing. Adrien and élias have good spots, we just have to get through to them somehow. Nika is already quite ahead of me when someone gets in my way.

"Ah, there's my little celebrity! Nice to see you." As if nothing had ever happened between us, he takes me in his arms and kisses me. My heart, my mind and everything inside me is screaming No! but my body refuses to move. "You look good. I have to admit, this sports thing is good for you. Very hot." I'm still wearing my stage outfit, which includes a skin-tight tanktop. He strokes his index finger from my pecs to my waistband and I feel sick. I flinch back in a flash and am grateful that my body is cooperating again.

"Don't be like that. We both know what you really want."

"You never knew what I wanted. You never cared what I wanted." My words surprise me.

"We both know that's not true. You've always gotten what you deserved." His arm is over my shoulder with a firm grip. I try to pull away, but he holds me too tightly.

"Let go of me. I don't want this." I try to put strength behind my voice, but I don't really succeed.

His face brightens, a smile flits across his lips. A nasty smile. "So unruly. I like that. We're going to have a lot of fun together."

"No." I'm still struggling against his grip.

In one swift movement, he lets go of my shoulder and grabs my neck and chin. No, please don't. "Listen to me carefully. I've seen you online with that girl. You're good. You have a lot of followers. I'll give you a second chance, I'll take you back. Our break-up was just a stupid skip. We both know we're made for each other."

Everything inside me is screaming. I don't want him, never again, not even to see him, and still my body won't cooperate. I feel trapped, but I'm fighting. I don't want this.

"No." My voice still isn't as loud and firm as I'd like it to be, but it doesn't matter.

"What do you mean, no?" There's that smug, superior tone in his voice and I suddenly feel tiny again. I have to stand strong, not let him get me down.

"No. I don't want to be with you anymore. Breaking-up with you was the best decision of my life."

"Then you'd rather be alone for the rest of your miserable existence?" Now his true colors are slowly coming through.

"Yes, I would, but..." My voice leaves me. Very bad timing.

Suddenly the crowd around us is moving. A push and a shove. Adrien is so tall, I can see immediately that he's on his way to me. Nika ahead of him. "I'm not alone."

He laughs. I hate that laugh so much.

"Is there a problem?" Nika's tone is clear and demanding. No bullshit.

I just point with my thumb to my ex. "No problem. He was just leaving."

"Are these your friends? Don't you want to introduce us? We'll run into each other more often from now on." How narcissistic can someone actually be? Didn't I just tell him that I don't want anything anymore from him?

Adrien doesn't understand a word, as we speak German, but he notices the tension and my defensive posture. He calmly but demonstratively puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a kiss on the temple. Completely automatically, I close my eyes briefly and enjoy the moment with a quick smile. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't prevent the reaction. Not with Adrien.

The change in my ex-boyfriend's demeanor is abrupt. It's like a switch has been flipped. "Are you serious? You've taken up with someone new? You're cheating on me? I always knew you were a little whore. How long has this been going on between you? He's still new, isn't he? He hasn't realized yet that you're a useless piece of shit, right? Except for fucking, of course. But he’ll realize pretty fast that you're nothing more than a pretty hole." His thumb strokes my mouth and a mixture of disgust and fear runs through my body. "And then he'll use you the way you deserve. Maybe he already knows what a pathetic piece of shit you are. I had no idea you were into tattoos and piercings. Didn't think the bad boy style was your thing."

Tears run down my face. His words are not new, but they still hurt. He's not right. Is he? Adrien doesn't use me. Adrien fought for me, he's good to me, respectful. Adrien demands to tell him what I want. My ex isn't right. He's not right.

"And look at you. How pathetic is that? You're seriously wearing sleeveless? You can't do that to anyone. No one really wants to see that. And you call them your friends? People who won't even tell you honestly how awful you look? What does your fuckboy say to that? That you scratch yourself bloody, over and over again, like a psycho? Does he even know about it? Or did you tell him a lie?"

I haven't scratched since our vacation, my skin is scarred but not crusty. It's not gross, it's not disgusting. He bombards me with questions he doesn't really want an answer to. He just wants to embarrass me, I know that, but I can feel him succeeding. I can't actually get a sound out now, my vision is just blurry. "Yes, he knows, he knows me like this, I'm good the way I am."

My voice is no more than a smoky rasp as I say the words Adrien keeps telling me, words I've slowly but surely learned to believe.

"Has he told you he loves you yet?" I want to say yes, but my voice fails me. He makes me feel so small. As if he could just crush me in one step with his foot like an annoying bug. I can't get out a sound. My eyes search for Adrien, pleading for him to get me out of here, but my ex completely misunderstands. "No, of course not. No one loves you, Philipp. Just look at you. But I'm not a bad person, I feel sorry for you. You should see yourself standing here. It's absolutely pathetic how you're clinging on to a guy who's just using you. I'll take you back, you don't have to be alone for the rest of your life."

I'm not alone, I'm not alone, I'm not alone. I can feel Adrien next to me, his arm around my shoulder. And yet my head starts to spin. A thousand little doubts starts questioning everything between us. Questioning me. I'm not good enough for Adrien. I don't deserve him. Two strong hands grab my upper arms and pull me against a big, solid body. Just in time, before my legs give way. I know this scent. Adrien. With a firm grip, he presses me against him, chest to chest. One hand on my back, the other on the back of my head, in my hair.

"I have no idea what's happening here right now, but I'm here. I'm not letting you go. You're safe with me." He whispers the words softly in my ear and I realize how they calm me down, bring me back a little more. Then he lifts his head and speaks with a firm voice. "You should leave now."

"Speak German if you want something from me, we're not in the US here." Everyone can hear that Adrien has a French accent.

"You want German? I'll give you German!" That's Nika and she's furious. She was surprisingly quiet the whole time, but not anymore. "Fuck off! Go away! Get out and never come near him again. Or I'll report you for mental and sexual abuse and I guarantee you'll never get out of this!" I hate it when she speaks these words out loud and I bury my head even deeper in Adrien's neck.

A resounding laugh reaches my ear and I feel like it's tearing me apart. "Are you serious? Don't make a fool of yourself! He hasn't said no once!"

I open my eyes and see Nika closing the distance. Her face is very close to his, their noses nearly touching. Her voice calm, almost soft, but her words harsh and leave no room for speculation. "Has anyone ever fucked you up the ass? Without prep? And without an ounce of consideration? No? You should try it sometime. And then think about if it's so fucking hot that you really want to do it again."