Page 55 of Bluebird

Philipp - 12 years later

"We have enough love for another child." With these words, a new journey began for our family. The adoption process for Louis was lengthy, but easy compared to what was to come with Jannis.

Louis was always loud, shouted out his feelings, challenged and tested us until he was sure he could trust us. Jannis was quiet, non-speaking, withdrawn, with no visible emotion. At night, he sometimes woke up crying, but quickly calmed down. At first glance it seemed easier, but it wasn't.

With Louis, we always knew what his emotional state was like. Jannis was in bad shape mentally, but we could only guess at just how bad. I don't know if we would have made it without Louis. The first time Jannis spoke was to Louis, Louis was the first to get a smile. These two very different boys found each other in their shared fate and became brothers.

Luca's adoption was completed four months ago. He came to us at 12 years old with a similar story to Louis and Jannis, but had a history of years of changing foster families and group homes. Unable to stick to a single agreement and provocative way beyond the line of socially acceptable. Highly intelligent but rarely at school. He really tried everything to get sent away again, to prove to himself one last time that he wasn't worth fighting for, like it was in so many families before us.

If he had been our first foster child, it might have even turned out that way. But after four months, Louis and Jannis had had enough and went to talk to him up in his room. I overheard the conversation.

"Why are you doing this shit?" Louis's voice is loud and insistent. No bullshit, as always.

"I have no idea what you’re talking about." The smugness in Luca's tone could make you aggressive, but Louis refuses to be provoked. "You know exactly what we mean. You're acting like an asshole."

"Why should I play happy family here, I'll be somewhere else in two months tops anyway."

"What makes you think that?" Jannis's voice sounds genuinely puzzled.

"Kids like me don't stay in the same place for long, nobody really wants us, not when it’s getting tough. Then everyone just thinks about themselves and we're gone."

"I've been here for eight years." To be honest, I'm surprised that Jannis is speaking at all. Though he is speaking at home, he's still rather quiet and stays out of everything. I'm sure Louis came up with the idea for this confrontation.

It's just that Jannis doesn't make it a confrontation and doesn't allow one. He's matter of fact and approachable and I have the feeling this unsettles Luca.

"Me for 12 years."

"But... what do you mean? You all have the same surname, how...?" Luca is confused, uncertainty resonates in his question and, barely audible but still there, a spark of hope that he might finally have a home after all.

"We were foster kids, like you, Adrien and Philipp adopted us."

"But then they won't even get any more money for you!"

Louis laughs. "They love us."

"As if we were their own." My heart beats a little faster when I hear our sons talking like that. They are our children, without compromise and without cutting corners, and I'm sure we’re getting through that with Luca, too.

I'm not saying that everything was super easy from then on. But Luca didn't fight so hard against us anymore.

The turning point was when he was wrongly accused of stealing a teacher's wallet at school. That's when he understood that we weren't going to ditch him just because things got difficult. When we asked him after three years if he wanted to be part of the family before the law, he fell around our necks with tears in his eyes.

***

"Have you seen Jannis?"

"He ran off with Valérie earlier," Luca grumbles from the hammock.

I look at my youngest son with raised eyebrows. Even though Valérie and Jannis are the same age and go to school together, they are actually like fire and water. They have been from the start. I don't think they've ever said anything nice to each other. When I think about it, I don’t think Jannis actually speaks with her at all.

"Don't look at me like that, I have no idea how that happened either. Hey Papa!" At the same moment, two strong arms reach around my chest enveloping me.

"Hey, son! Hey, love of my life!" Adrien presses his head into my neck and then kisses me from my shoulder to my earlobe.

"Ewww! Go inside to make out! Here are children present!"

Laughing, Adrien turns his head towards our boy. "Don't pretend you've never kissed anyone before. I saw you with Amelie three weeks ago, after school. And last week with Lucien after practice."

Luca looks as if he would like to sink into the ground. "You know we obviously don't care who you kiss, right?" A shy smile plays around his lips and I know we're good here.

"Come on husband, let's go to the beach." Adrien resolutely grabs my hand.

We keep coming back to ?le de Saint-émile. Here, where we came together. To this place where I dared to listen to my heart again and entrusted it to the man who still stands by my side. The man who built a family with me, in which no one is related by blood, but everyone loves and trusts each other. We are complete.

"Look over there." Adrien pulls on my hand and snaps me out of my thoughts. A young couple is walking through the surf holding hands. I hear them laughing and kissing. Tears well up in my eyes. Seeing this angry boy so happy and relaxed is an indescribable feeling.

"I'm so proud of him..." Adrien whispers in my ear and I nod in agreement. I’m proud of him, of Jannis and Luca, and of us too. Of us as parents and of us as a couple. A relationship in itself is challenging, children change the dynamic completely. But no matter how difficult it was, we never lost each other along the way.

My gaze falls on this beautiful man. He has hardly changed in the last 25 years. A few strands of gray in his hair, laugh lines around his eyes, the lip piercings had to go with his first job, a new tattoo for each of our kids came. And one for me.

"I love you, Adrien. I couldn't have gone this way with anyone else. Without you, I wouldn’t be standing here today, so at peace with my life... and with myself. Thank you for always believing in us, for never giving up on us, for never giving up on me."

He tenderly cups my face with his hands. I still love it when he does that. "I could never have given up on you. Every second you weren't with me, I missed something. I missed you. You make me complete. I love you too, Philipp." His lips find mine in a gentle yet passionate kiss.

"Wohaaa!"

"Uuuuhhhh!"

"Ooohhhh!"

Loud roars snap us out of our moment. Adrien and I look into each other's eyes. "That's how it is when you have kids. No more privacy." Adrien sighs playfully, then we can no longer hold back our laughter.

As we turn to the noise, three big boys are already running towards us. We can only spread our arms as they jump in on us.

"Yes, I love you too!" Adrien shouts with a laugh.

"Me too, every single one of you!"

I have always wanted a man who loves me unconditionally. Now I have four of them and I love each and every one of them with everything I have.

THE END