Page 94 of Oleander

I walked home that night feeling dazed and slow, a weight in my chest so dense and unwieldy that I could barely get my legs to move. I stopped multiple times to stare up at the moon, feeling the weight of it too, waxen and gargantuan, pressingdown upon me. Symbolic to me, I thought, of my feelings for Caspien. Far too powerful for me to comprehend.

Twenty-seven

Caspien still had another week at home before flying back to La Troyeux for his final term, so it felt like a cruel and unusual punishment to have to keep going to school knowing he was home at Deveraux.

I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to skip school. Though, I’d also never wanted to skip school more in my life. I was again dreading it. Ellie hadn’t mentioned it on her socials, but Georgia had posted some vague inspirational quote on her page late the night before that I assumed was aimed at me:Hurting someone is as easy asthrowingastoneintheocean; butyouwill never know how deep that stone will go.

I didn’t get it.

Alfie had texted me around the same time:

Wat the fuck, bro?

I’d ignored it.

I’d begun to feel the coming apart of the relationships that had defined my high school life up until this point. In a year, I would be in another city surrounded by strangers and possibilities, and it was this that I clung to as I walked into registration.

Ellie seemed to have been watching the door avidly, though looked away quickly when I entered. I sat down next to Alfie andmade a determined attempt to ignore the glare he aimed at the side of my head. He couldn’t exactly say anything with the girls at our backs, but as soon as we were out and heading to History, he all but dragged me into the toilet. He threw a loaded look over his shoulder at Georgia, who was dragging Ellie off in the opposite direction toward the arts building.

“What the fuck, Jude?” he said, eyes wide. “You broke up with Ellie??! Before the prom?”

I went to the drinking tap in the corner and bent my head. “The prom was the last thing on my mind at the time, Alfred.”

“Then what was on your mind? I don’t get it? Why’d you do it?”

“Because I didn’t want to go out with her anymore. Why else?”

This seemed to completely blow his mind because his eyes became even wider, blonde eyebrows hitting his hairline. “That doesn’t even make sense, mate.”

“Doesn’t it?” I said. “Why do you care so much, Alf? Focus on your own girlfriend, yeah?”

He stalked toward me. “Yeah, well, my own girlfriend is acting like it’s my fucking fault or something.”

“Well, that’s just stupid. Why would it have anything to do with you?”

“That’s what I said. I think she thinks you’re seeing someone else or something and that I knew about it or whatever.”

“Well, tell her it’s not true.”

“Eh, I did!”

“Then, I don’t know what to tell you. Or what you want me to do about it?”

He blinked at me. “What is even going on with you, mate?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing going on with me. Leave it alone. ” I pushed past him and out into the hall. He came after me, ofcourse. Unable to let it go. Unable to understand that it wasn’t any of his business.

“Look, I know this year has been a bit crazy,” Alfie was saying, walking with me down the corridor. “Moving to Devs and working with Luke and then Beth’s baby and mocks and prepping for A’s, but like, Els and you were great.”

I wanted to stop and hit him, and I probably would have if I thought it would make him shut up. But I knew it wouldn’t. He’d still be shortening words and rabbiting on and acting like he knew everything about everything when in fact the entire wealth of Alfie’s knowledge extended to Rugby Sevens, his PlayStation 5, and the John Wick films. Some perverted part of me wondered what he’d do were I to turn around, and say very slowly and clearly, that I’d broken up with Ellie Powell, the hottest girl at school, because I preferred having Caspien Deveraux’s cock shoved down my throat to kissing her. This, I knew, would have shut him up.

I slowed my steps and turned to him. “Look, Alfie, we’re both going to Uni next year. Me to Warwick and her to fucking Scotland and everyone knows long-distance relationships don’t work. I’m doing us both a favour. She’s hot and smart, and she’ll thank me that she’s single when she gets to Edinburgh. Even if she does hate me now.”

I let the words sink in, saw his expression turn, and then I added. “If you want me to talk to George for you – explain that this has nothing to do with you – then I will. Though I doubt she’d believe me. I’m sure she hates me as much as Ellie right now.”

Alfie smiled suddenly. “More mate. I think she hates you way more.”

Lunch was awkward. I sat with Josh and a few of his rugby friends a few tables away from Georgia, Alfie and Ellie. My sandwich tasted like wet cardboard, and behind me, I could feel Ellie’s hateful glare boring into my head.