Page 150 of Oleander

“We’re never going to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, ever,” Nathan said. “I told you, it’s not a big deal for me. I like you far more than I like topping, Jude. How you feel when we’re together is more important than which sexual position I fucking prefer.” He sounded a little angry, but it wasn’t at me. He kissed my head again.

What on earth was wrong with me that I wasn’t satisfied with this? Here was a man holding me to his chest and telling me my comfort was important to him, my feelings were important to him and yet my fucking soul ached for someone who’d thought nothing of either. I hated myself as much as I hated Cas in that moment. For who he’d made me. For what he’d stolen from me.

Maybe I couldn’t give Nathan all of me, all those parts that had been broken or stolen and now belonged to Cas, but I could give him what I had left.

It wouldn’t be enough, obviously, Nathan deserved better, and he’d come to realise that soon enough.

And he did. In fact, sooner than I thought he would.

Sixteen

We waited a few more nights until we tried again, this time in reverse. It was immeasurably better. Nathan was, I was coming to understand, a brilliant lover. No matter the position or the act, he had perfected the ways in which to make his partner feel good. I revelled in those nights; his touch, his mouth, his cock – as long as it was not inside my hole of course – brought me to orgasm over and over again. But more so, I loved our days together that summer.

He’d hired a tour guide he found on the tourist website forthreefulldays,andhe’dinvited me along with him to learn about how the island survived five years of occupation by the Nazis. We took day trips to Guernsey and Alderney, too. We’d spend days at the cottage where he’d barbecue us lunch and make me wear nothing but his shorts as I lay out on the grass and read something he’d hand me and deem ‘mind-expanding.’ It was always works of American literature, and it gave me a perverse kind of pleasure to know that Caspien would have hated it. Brett Easton Ellis, Upton Sinclair, and Steinbeck were Nathan’s favourite writers.Moby Dickwas his favourite book, which I’d already read. I’d pushed back on his other favourite book,Infinite Jest, because I’d watched a YouTube video once about the most unreadable books ever written, and this was number three on it. ‘We only have three weeks together’, I saidat the time. ‘I’d rather not put myself through this now.’ He’d laughed and made me promise to read it one day. (I’ve since read it, and I emailed him a few years ago to tell him. He hadn’t been surprised to know I’d hated it.)

I’d call and check in with Luke every other day, but mainly, I stayed away from the house as I didn’t want to face Beth. I couldn’t understand how Luke was able to do it. Now I know it was his last hope that she’d change her mind, realise how much she loved him, and stay. It didn’t work.

Toward the end of Nathan’s second week on the island, he insisted we go out for dinner. He wanted to take me out on a date, he said. I’d been nervous at first, for reasons I wasn’t sure I could explain, but which I didn’t have to because he seemed to know anyway.

“I’ll keep my hands to myself, I promise.” He smiled as he pulled me in for a kiss. Nathan made a lot of promises, and so far, he’d kept every single one. I knew this wouldn’t be any different. “You’re not out here, are you? Just to Luke?”

I nodded, the word ‘sorry’ on the tip of my tongue, unspoken. He’d chastise me for apologising for things that weren’t my fault. He said I shouldn’t apologise for feelings I had, or didn’t have, and for things I had no control over. There was no reason to be sorry for these things; it was just who I was. And who I was, was perfect.

I wasn’t sure my not being out in Jersey fell into any of those categories.

“So then tonight, we’re just friends. Or I’ll go back to being your professor.” He winked. “I’m whatever you want me to be, baby.”

“Friends is fine,” I said, smoothing down a stray hair at the side of my head. It was too long, that mid-stage where the curls would thicken and become close to untameable.

He stood behind me at the bathroom mirror and grinned at me. “Besties it is.”

I laughed and turned to plant a kiss on his mouth. I’d rather have stayed home, but I figured this was another thing I could give him to make up for all the things I couldn’t.

He’d booked a table at one of the more expensive restaurants along the beachfront. I’d never been inside it before but I knew Luke and Beth had come for their anniversary once. It was that kind of place. Marble floored and glass-fronted, though the large windows were pulled back tonight so it was open to the sea. A waiter showed us to a cosy table overlooking the seafront.

We might be posing as friends, but it really wasn’t the sort of place you’d come with a mate. I felt a little conspicuous as I looked around. Most of the tables seemed to be straight couples, though some were groups. There were no tables where two men sat across from each other.

Nathan, sensing my growing discomfort, shot me an encouraging look. If he thought I’d have allowed it, he’d have reached across for my hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.

I’d driven so I ordered a sparkling water from the waiter who’d sat us down while Nathan ordered a white wine. We perused our menus – made up of mainly seafood – and discussed what we’d share. As we gazed out at the sea, I began to relax.

“Hi there, are you ready to order?” the waitress said, interrupting our quiet conversation.

I turned and sat bolt upright. Ellie stood smiling a blinding hospitality smile at me. Her face faltered with shock, before she glanced at Nathan, back at me, and then at Nathan again.

“Ellie, hello, how are you?” I said, overly polite. “I didn’t know you worked here?”

“Um, yeah, it’s just for the summer.” It took her some effort to force her eyes from Nathan to me. “I’m home. For the summer. How are you, Jude?” She was flustered, I could tell. Shifting this way and that, on her feet. Cheeks pinking from embarrassment or something close to it.

“Ah, ok. Yeah, I’m good. You?”

She smiled even wider. “Yeah, really good.”

“How’s Edinburgh?”

“Great, yeah. I’m loving it. How’s Oxford?”

“Hard.” I laughed. “But great, yeah. I’m enjoying it. It’s a great place to learn.” I glanced at Nathan to find him watching the exchange with increasing amusement. He lifted his wine to take a slow taste and raised his eyebrows at me, playfully. He was enjoying this.