Page 180 of Oleander

I studied him, wondering why he cared, wondering whether to tell him. In the end, I didn’t see what harm it would do.

“Surely he’s told you that?”

He shook his head. “He will not let me utter your name. It’s the only condition he has when he calls. The first time I asked about you, I did not hear from him for an entire year.”

My body was clenched so tightly it trembled. “The last time I saw him was in London. Eight years ago.”

Gideon’s mouth fell open.

“We had nothing left to say to each other. Besides, I told him it was done, we were over. Then, to let me know just how done we were, he married his abuser.”

“So then you do not know?”

“Know what?”

“That he left him. Two years ago. They divorced, quite messily. Caspien was ruthless with him – he had an exceptional lawyer, a far better one than Xavier. Caspien has been living in London; he has a role with the London Symphony.” Gideon sounded proud.

I couldn’t breathe.

He’d left him. Two years ago. He was living in London. Where I lived. He was living in the UK, and he hadn’t contacted me?

I’d not given him conditions. I’d been absolute: don’t call me again. It’s over. We’re done.

I felt a terrible heaviness in my chest.

“It doesn’t change anything,” I managed, though I knew it did.

“Of course it does, Jude,” said Gideon.

I wanted to change the subject. “If he’s been living in London, why does he never visit? Jasper said he’s not seen you in years.”

Gideon’s mouth flattened. “Because he refuses to come here.”

“The house?”

“Yes. And the island. It has too many memories for him. When I was still well enough to travel I saw him in London, but he hasn’t been back here since...well years. In truth, things have been strained since...” He looked at me. “Since you, Jude.”

“Oh, it’s my fault is it?” I said. “Let’s not kid ourselves. You two had a messed up relationship long before I came along. I’ve fuck all to do with it.”

“True. But what I…he…what we did to you was the breaking of us.” He sank deeper into the pillow. “We were never the same after you left us. It was too great a thing for us to move past.”

“Well, thank god for that,” I scoffed. “At least you two weren’t able to fuck anyone else up the way you did me. That’s something.”

He gave me an agonised look. “I’ve so many regrets, Jude. How I looked at the world then, how cruelly I used you. Both of you.”

And so now we had it. The reason I was here. To absolve a dying man of his sins. But I wasn’t a fucking priest and I’d long ago been cured of my bleeding fucking heart syndrome.

“Yeah? Well, I wish it was as simple as that, Gideon. But it’s not.”

He nodded, magnanimously. “I know. I know a few words aren’t going to magic away the pain I put upon you for my own ends.”

He turned, pulling open the second drawer of the tall chest by his bed. From it, he pulled a brown envelope and closed the drawer again. He pulled out a couple of wads of paper and rifled through until he found what he was looking for. Then he held it out to me, gesturing for me to take it.

I had to get off the seat to reach it. Sitting back down, I scanned the page. I had guessed what it was; Gideon’s apology.

“I hope you’ll agree it’s generous. Of course, Caspien will own the house, but he has expressed his desire to have it entrusted to the history and culture department.”

“Money,” I said when I’d finished reading. Of course, he was giving me money. A lot of it, too.