Page 64 of Oleander

I said. “I think maybe I’m not cut out for drinking.”

“I think maybe it was all the ‘birthday shots’ the boys were forcing you to drink.”

“I think maybe I need to take responsibility for my own actions.”

“Well, that’s very grown-up of you.”

We sat like that for a bit, her arms wrapped around me, her nakedness pressed against me until I felt almost human again.

“I thought maybe we’d...you know. Last night.” Now I was certain we hadn’t.

“Jude, you were comatose.”

“Well, maybe I was really irresistible covered in sick and comatose, maybe you couldn’t resist me.”

She sat back to hit me lightly on the chest. “You wish!”

The softness in her eyes was such a relief that I felt almost dizzy from it. I tackled her to the bed and buried my face in her neck. At first, she shrieked, but then, as my hands roamed up her body, she went quiet, her breathing turning quick.

I didn’t touch her bare breasts; it felt too serious, but I did skim my hand up the side of her thigh and over her hip as myplayful growls turned to soft kisses. When she turned her body and arched into me, I knew what she wanted. I asked anyway.

“Can I...touch you here?” I looked at the perfect round tits and the quickly hardening nipple, and my mouth watered. I’d never wanted her as much as this.

“Yes, please, Jude.”

I moved down her body and closed my mouth over it, instinct telling me to suck and kiss and bite just a little. Ellie gasped, and I flicked my tongue over it. Then her hands were in my hair, and her skin was in my mouth, and I wondered if it was over, the madness that had taken hold of me this summer. It was her who reached for her knickers and began to push them down.

I leaned up and looked into her eyes, finding her smiling, tender and soft. I pushed my own boxers down, and her breaths turned quicker.

Naked, she spread her legs and let me between them.

“The condoms,” she panted to me. I froze, embarrassment heating my cheeks. Shewassensible.

“Where are they?”

“In my bag,” she gasped, sounding nervous, as she gestured over my shoulder. I climbed off her and went across the room towards the chair, my whole body feeling large and hollow with only my heart beating inside of it, a thunderous echoing thing.

My hands shaking, I tore one from the strip and made my way back to her.

“Get another in case it breaks.”

I didn’t understand this but did it anyway. As I pulled the first one around the head with clumsy, unskilled fingers and the rim tore away from its sleeve, I understood. I started again.

Time froze as I carefully rolled the sheaf of rubber over myself and lowered myself back down between her legs again.

When I pointed it toward the hot space between her thighs, jabbing it against her, she winced.

“Sorry,” I said, barely able to hear my own voice over the sound of my heartbeat.

“It’s fine, it’s okay.” She was smiling at me so fondly, so full of complete and utter (misplaced) trust that I felt overwhelmed, and the words slipped out.

“Ellie, I love you,” I said.

She looked like she would cry and reached up quickly to kiss me. I know I must have tasted of vomit and terror, but if she noticed, she didn’t show it.

“I love you too, Jude,” she whispered, clinging to me.

Eighteen