Page 120 of Oleander
“Ask if Elspeth will bring our lunch out to the eastern pavilion, will you?” Gideon asked as we reached the bottom of the stairs. “It’s much too hot to eat indoors.”
“Sure.” I wandered off in the direction of the kitchen as he went towards the red sitting room. After using the bathroom, I went down the backstairs to the kitchen, surprised to see Luke sitting at the large dining table with a delicious-looking sandwich in front of him. He was talking about something related to squirrels as far as I could tell. Elspeth was sitting opposite, head resting on her hand and a soft, warm look on her face as he spoke.
I took a moment to study her. Until then, I’d never thought of her outside her role as Gideon’s housekeeper, but she was pretty, if a little plain. A kind manner, genuine smile and a sweet-sounding voice. There were some similarities between her and my sister, I noticed then. The colouring; that pale hue that usually came with red hair and a dusting of freckles. Except where my sister was prone to scowling, Elspeth was always smiling. Friendly and open, where my sister could be standoffish and reserved. I tried to guess her age, and put her at maybe a few years older than Luke if that, though she looked younger now.
The smile Elspeth was giving Luke at that moment was not one I’d ever seen on her before. Smiling at him indulgently as he ate the sandwich she’d no doubt made for him. It made me want to step back out of the room and leave them alone.
But I stepped fully into the room and said, as loudly as I could, “Well, that sandwich looks like a bit of me.”
Elspeth sat up straight, as though she’d been caught out. Luke just smiled his normal smile at me and took a huge bite of the sandwich before rolling his eyes in pleasure.
“I can make you one, Jude, sweetheart. You want cheese on?” She was standing now.
“Yes, please. Gideon’s going to have his on the patio. I’ll take it out.”
I slid into Elspeth’s seat and reached across to snatch a crisp from Luke’s plate. There was nothing guilty in my uncle’s face, nothing to suggest I’d walked in on anything I shouldn’t have. So I pushed it from my mind. If there was anything to be seen, then it was that Elspeth had a crush on Luke. Which wasn’t completely out of the question. Luke was what women considered earthy and handsome: ruddy-cheeked and sparkling eyes. Everyone liked Luke: women, men, old, young. Even Caspien had liked Luke, and he loathed almost everyone.
For the next few days, I helped Gideon clear out the suite of rooms on the first floor; it was dusty, boring work, but Gideon was talkative and funny, and we’d take breaks and eat delicious lunches made by Elspeth on the patio.
At the end of the week, he was going to Italy; he had business just outside of Florence, and I was already wondering what I would do for the rest of the summer. I had some money in the bank from the benefactor and P&P and I thought about taking the ferry to St. Malo and maybe staying there a few days on my own, but I knew it could be extremely busy this time of year and the thought of pushing my way through crowds of sweat-licked people wasn’t hugely appealing. I decided I’d just get through some of the books on my TBR, go on a hike around the cliff walk, cycle over to Sorel, maybe meet up with Alfie again.
It was Thursday, the day before Gideon was due to leave for Italy, and he was talking about the hotel he would be staying at. It was an old house that had once belonged to the Borgias. I’d not been paying particular attention beyond this, slouched back on the seat with my eyes closed and enjoying the heat of the sunon my face. I was feeling content. Happy almost. The sadness of last summer like a fading memory.
Perhaps this was what made him say it.
“… before Thursday when Caspien and Xavier are due to arrive.”
My eyes sprung open under my sunglasses, and I sat up too quickly.
“You’re seeing Cas? In Florence?”
Gideon nodded, taking a sip of his white wine. “Mm, they’re in Venice right now; dreadful place. But they are travelling and will be in San Marino when I am in Florence, and they wish to come and meet me there.” He was watching me carefully.
I was glad of my sunglasses, though I’m sure he could see my face had drained of colour. There’d been no mention of Cas or Xavier this entire week while we’d been clearing out. Now, the sound of his name and the image of them travelling across Italy together and in love made the rent across my heart open up. That newly healed fissure was pulling apart again, painful and raw.
“I do hate that you’re still fighting,” Gideon said gently, as though somehow that’s what this was.
“That’s not...” I said, a little stunned. “We’re notfighting, Gideon?”
He waved that off, dismissive “Oh, you know what I mean. I wish you were still friends. It was so nice having you around when Cas was home, having you both at the house, having you playing toge—”
I stood abruptly, chair scraping across the concrete angrily. “We were never fuckingfriends,Gideon.”
He flinched, startled by my outburst. I’d never raised my voice to him. Never swore, or lost my temper with him, despite what I’m sure now was his every attempt to get me to.
“We were never friends,” I said again, calmer. “That’s not what we were. I was some way for him to pass the time, that’s all. Something he could play with until Blackwell could whisk him away to that comfortably luxurious life in the States.”
“Jude, I think that maybe if you spoke to him you’d see that—” Gideon began, placatingly.
“No.” I cut him off. “Don’t. I don’t want to hear it, Gideon. I don’t want to hear any more words of wisdom about broken hearts or theories about what it is Cas actually wants and needs. What I want is to pretend he doesn’t fucking exist. What I want is to wake up in the morning and forget that he’s out there living a life with someone else.” I was saying too much. It was dangerous to say this much. “Do you have any idea what that feels like? Knowing that? Knowing that while I’m here, alone, looking at all the places he used to exist in, he’s just...off somewhere else with someone else? While I struggle to figure out who the fuck I am now and what I’m supposed to want now, he’s thriving and happy andcomfortable.” I sneered the last word. “So please stop telling me about where they are or what they’re doing or how perfect their fucking life is, Gideon, because I don’t want to know. It’s enough. This,” I hit my own chest with a soft fist. “What he left behind is enough, okay?”
I left him staring after me as I stormed out and back to the cottage.
Friday, Beth was out for the night, so Luke and I cooked and ate alone. While he tried to make small talk, I grunted one-word answers and barely looked up from my plate. After dinner, I offered to do the dishes, but he waved me off and told me to takea beer outside to the garden, saying he’d come out when he was finished.
When he came out a short while later, he brought me another. He took a seat next to me on the outdoor sofa, got comfy, and held out his bottle for me to knock mine against.
“Really nice to have you back home, Judey,” he said, taking a large gulp.