Page 84 of Oleander

My fingers itched to text him. I pulled my phone out to do just that when a text came in.

Ellie:

Miss you??x.

I was about to respond, debating too long over the words, when another came through.

Caspien:

what are you doing?

Was he serious?

Me:

I’m at home.

Caspien:

That’s not what I asked.

Me:

I’m not doing anything. Are u home?

Caspien:

Yes.

My hands trembled as I wrote:

Me:

Luke and Beth are out

Caspien:

How lovely for them.

Me:

if u want to come over

There was nothing for so long that I thought I might just go outside and drown myself in the lake. The speck of pride I had left wouldn’t possibly allow me to turn up there now.

But then:

Caspien:

all right.

I ran upstairs first and made sure my room was clean. Which it was since I’d cleaned and mopped it earlier for something to do. I opened the window and squirted some of my cologne into the air.

I went to piss and check my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I worried that brushing them might indicate that I’d been expecting to kiss him, so I grabbed a bag of Skittles from the sweet cupboard, threw a handful into my mouth and chewed.

I switched the TV onto something I thought would look as though I’d been watching instead of what I’d actually been doing. A rugby union match was on, so I turned the volume up and made to settle into the couch to watch it.

I could not have told you what teams were playing or who was in the lead; my brain refusing to move pastCaspien, you’re going to see him, you haven’t seen him in the flesh since September.