Page 66 of Oleander

With mounting horror, I went to my recent calls.

Caspien was at the top with the word ‘outgoing’ and a number (4) beside it. I’d called himfourtimes? I wanted to die.

I remembered the voicemail with painful little detail. I only knew it had happened, but when I tried to think about what I’d said a chasm of nothingness opened up in my brain, white and bottomless.

I knew what Imighthave said. What Icouldhave said. What Iprobablysaid while under the influence of alcohol. I’d managed not to throw up, but bile rose now. I folded myself over the balcony railing and groaned.

Alfie found me like that a short while later.

“Mate, I feel the same,” he said, clapping a hand on my back. “How much did we drink?”

“I honestly lost count.”

“What time did the girls go?”

So he didn’t know George had gone home without Ellie. Or couldn’t remember. He would find out eventually. Despite what Ellie said last night, I didn’t believe that what had happened this morning would not reach Alfie by way of Georgia. Then he’d feel crappy about my not telling him.

“Ellie stayed,” I told him. “She just left. Her mum was pretty pissed.”

Alfie stared at me in silence for a beat, his alcohol–poisoned brain taking in the information. Then his eyes went wide. He covered his mouth with his hands and leapt back a step.

“Judey!!Judey, my dudey!! You finally gave it up!! So proud of you, so fucking proud!!”

“Mate, can you stop shouting for the love of god? My head.”

“Fine, fine,” he said, quieter. “So, how was it? Tell me everything.”

“Piss off. As if.”

“Oh, come on, don’t be like that! Happened in my house didn’t it? Wait, not in my bed? Please tell me not in my bed.”

“Josh is in there.”

“The room my grandma sleeps in then. Cool. Cool.” He burst out laughing, the sound scraping and scratching at my hangover.

I rolled my eyes and bent my head, focussing on keeping the bile down.

Christmas came and went without much fanfare that year. The big house was quiet. We’d heard Gideon had gone to his house in London, and I assumed Caspien would go from Switzerland to there and back again after the term ended. The three of us cooked and ate at home, staying in pyjamas for most of the time.

Beth was still in this strange new phase of being, which mainly meant more hugs and far more generous gifts. As my birthday was so close to Christmas I always had one lesser and one greater gift. I assumed the iPad to be the greater but when Luke pulled a Cannondale road bike out of his van on Christmas morning I could only stare at it, stunned.

I felt a little embarrassed by what I’d bought them: a voucher for the French restaurant in town they liked. But they’d hugged me and thanked me as though it was enough.

Mocks were set for the last two weeks of January, so I had to at least pretend to study during break. (We’d do mocks in both upper and lower 6thand I’d scrape through both which scared me so shitless I’d pulled out something miraculous in my A’s.) Along with this was, though a year early, the start of our prep for Uni applications. Ellie was applying to Edinburgh to do Veterinary medicine – she’d had pictures of the city on her wall for years and posted those aesthetic Instagram reels daily of its cobbled streets and hilltop castle, so there was no question of it being her first choice. There’d never been any assumption that I’d follow her there, and though she’d never said it directly,I knew she planned for us to carry on seeing each other long–distance.

In my case, St. Andrew’s had the best English Literature degree in the country, but the entry requirements were insane, so I was eyeing Durham, Warwick and Oxford. Warwick was the least demanding in terms of entry; achievable certainly. Durham was the north of England, further from home, more alien, more daunting; I’d never been further north than London, and Oxford felt part fantasy to me. I’d always dreamed of going, but it would rely on my results being better than even my teachers thought I’d achieve. Even if I somehow did get in, the expense of living and studying there might be too much for Luke and Beth.

But I felt better having narrowed it down. And the entry process for Oxford was akin to some herculean trial, so it was probably good that I’d started preparing for it now.

The Monday after New Year, Luke returned to work, and Elspeth told him that Gideon was due back the following day.

So, on Wednesday – the day before school started back – I called the mansion. Elspeth answered, and she wished me a happy new year, asking if I’d had a nice Christmas, before she went off to find Gideon.

“Young Jude! How nice to hear from you! Did you have a wonderful Christmastime? And it was your birthday too – how charming!” He sounded so feverishly cheerful I wondered if he might be drunk.

I asked how his Christmas was.

“Lord, it was exhausting. Far too many soirees with friends, you know?”