Page 152 of Oleander

“You’re going out?” I asked.

He shot me a tender smile over his shoulder. “Just for a walk down to the beach.”

Guilt and sadness swelled in me like the tide.

“Do you want me to come?”

“No, baby.”

“Nathan, I’m...” I tapered off because I knew what I was about to do. I was about to apologise for something I couldn’t help. For how I felt. “I’m sorry,” I said regardless.

With a sigh he came and sat down on the bed near my feet.

“There’s nothing you need to apologise for, Jude.”

“No? So why do I feel like shit?” There was something thick and hot in my throat.

“Because you’re a good person who cares about people.”

“So are you. You’re inviting me to New York with you, because you care about me, and I’m saying no because...” I really was going to bloody cry. Christ, I was pathetic.

Nathan reached out and put a hand on my thigh. “…Because you know what it will mean if you say yes. And you’re not ready for it to mean that. Not yet.”

My shoulders dropped with relief. He got it. He got it, and he didn’t fucking hate me for it. Or at least, I didn’t think he did.

“Do you hate me?” I asked.

He frowned and shifted forward, closer, and held open his arms.

I went into them and let him hold me.

“You know I don’t. Jude, sometimes you’re so fucking childlike, it scares me a little.” He said, “I think I hate the person who hurt you, but then I remember that he was a child too.”

“I hate feeling like this. But I don’t know how to stop,” I admitted. “I wish I could just love someone else. I wish I could just love you. You’re so much better than him.” Iwascrying now. Stupid, childlike, tears I knew I would be ashamed of later.

Nathan only held me tighter. “Love doesn’t work like that, baby.” He laughed gently. “But for what it’s worth, I wish you could too.”

Hurting Nathan was the worst thing I’ve ever done. Worse than Ellie. Because Nathan I’d gone to for all the right reasons. Nathan I could have easily had a future with; a happy one filled with growth and love and everything a healthy relationship should be.

I just decided that I didn’t want it.

I had no one to blame for what happened between us but myself. I suppose I could blame Cas, but by then I’d decided to start taking responsibility for my own emotional shortcomings.

As it was, I’d taken the goodness Nathan offered me, sucked him dry, and returned to some dark dead place like the emotional vampire that I was.

As we said goodbye at the airport, he’d turned to me, that beautiful smile on his face even then, and told me I could always call him if I needed him. No matter how far in the future it was. If I changed my mind, if I decided I wanted to see New York after all, I could call. He’d always answer.

And this went on to be true, he always answered when I called.

We’ve met up once or twice through the years, whenever he came to London or when I went to New York, but whatever spark had been there when I was his guileless, wide-eyedstudent had been well snuffed out by what was to come soon after.

He’s married now, to another screenwriter he met working on a hit TV show – it actually became a bit of a cultural phenomenon. They have twin boys and two dogs and live in Santa Barbara; their Instagram is something of a viral sensation from what I can gather. He looks happy.

We haven’t spoken in a few years, but he did send me a card and gift (a framed photo he’d taken that summer of me reading at the beach) when I published my first book.

The book’s dedication page had read:For Professor Alexander; I guess he was finally good for something, huh?

I’d named the book after Tarkovsky’s film,The Sacrifice.