Page 41 of Oleander

“ ‘A lover is a man who turns himself into a slave.’ ”

Caspien, my beautiful boy, let me be yours...

Happy birthday, X

I read it over and over and over. Then I read it again. I felt validated, devastated, and incensed all at once.

“You can borrow it if you like.” Caspien’s flat voice came from behind me. “It’s not his best work; a little verbose for my tastes. His non-fiction texts are better.”

I turned, the book gripped in my hand. His eyes dipped to it and then back to me. He was unmoved.

“Were you wondering where I put yours? I’m sure they’re around here somewhere.” He made a show of looking around. “Unless they got scooped up with the other rubbish.”

I tossed the book on the bed and stalked toward him. He took a step back so that he was against the bedroom door, with me crowding him there.

“I told you what would happen if you saw him again.”

“Yes, you’d tell Luke, and Luke would believe you. But now it hardly matters, does it? Now I could pack my suitcase and fly off into the sunset with him, and there would be nothing you or anyone could do about it.”

This struck a new kind of fear into me. Endless and huge. Caspien going. Caspien leaving. Leaving me. Angry, I pushed my body into his so that he was pinned between me and the door. He made a small noise of surprise in his throat, and his eyes went wide.

“It might be legal now, as of today, but he could still go to prison for what’s happened before. And he could still lose his job.”

Caspien’s eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about? What do you know about his job?”

“You think I don’t know who he is?” I seethed.

Caspien looked frightened now.

“I know, Caspien. I know it was your tutor. The one who suddenly had to quit and move back home. I’m not a bloody idiot, and I’m pretty sure once they find out he’s been grooming one of his students, he’ll struggle to find work anywhere again.” I was vibrating with rage, and the words I was saying were so unlike me I didn’t recognise myself.

Caspien had turned a strange shade of grey, his eyes hard and his jaw tight. Finally, after many moments when I could practically hear his brain working, he said, “Well. Seems you’re not quite as dumb as you look, Judith.”

“I’m not dumb at all, but I’ll assume you are if I get even a hint that you’re seeing him again.”

Caspien’s eyes didn’t leave mine. “You’re threatening me?” He sounded impressed.

“No. I’m trying to keep you safe from someone who doesn’t care about you.”

He scoffed at that. “There’s not a soul alive who cares about me, Jude. This isn’t bloody news to me.” It didn’t come out like he was looking for pity, but like some well-known fact he was tired of talking about.

“What are you talking about?” I scowled. “Gideon cares about you.”I care about you.

He gave me a look that sent a shiver down my spine. “You know nothing about Gideon, Jude.”

“What does that even mean?”

He rested his head back on the door with a quiet thud. “Forget it.”

I wish I’d pushed him that day. Maybe he’d have told me the truth, or some version of it, and saved us both some of the pain heading towards us like a freight train. If he’d told me the truth, would I even have believed him? How could I have understood something like that then?

Then, I was a child trying to play an adult game. A game I didn’t understand the rules of. A game Caspien and Gideon had been playing for a long time before I came along.

Instead, I said something I’d be embarrassed about later. “People care about you, Caspien. I care about you.”

“Is that why you’re rummaging around my room and threatening me? Because you care about me?”

Guilt hit me square in the chest. I looked down away from his eyes.