Page 56 of Oleander

I stopped and turned back. His eyes were hard as marbles, sparkling in the dying sunlight.

“You know, if you don’t want me to go, you could just say that.” It was bravado, spoken from some senseless place I’d never even been.

I imagined some alternate reality where he said don’t go, Jude, and I wouldn’t. We’d clean up and lie together on his bed and talk. Maybe about books or films or music or something else. Maybe later, we’d do that all over again. Slower, less fevered.

And as he said nothing in response I deluded myself that he was imagining the same. When it was clear he wasn’t going to speak, I pulled my bag over my shoulder and said, “I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

I left him standing there in his dead mother’s bedroom, not knowing that winter would come and go, the leaves of the trees would be turning, sprouting the green of a new spring before I saw him again.

Fifteen

As I walked out of last period on Tuesday I checked my phone to see a message had come through at 2:46p.m.

It said:

Caspien:

I’m going back to La Troyeux today. Don’t bother coming over.

I’d stopped still in the middle of the corridor and read it over and over.

He was leaving. Leaving Deveraux. Leaving the island? I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach, a rush of loss and a swell of something like panic.

A body nudged into me from behind.

“No watching porn on the school grounds, Judey,” Alfie snickered.

Georgia was leaning into him with her head on his shoulder. When I’d been getting off with Caspien, Alfie had somehow found the balls to ask her out. Had gone to her house with flowers and everything – I’d been seriously impressed. Now they were a thing.

Now I knew we would be expected to do things as a couple, something which had begun to hang over me like a fat rain cloud since I heard about it on Saturday night.

But right now, none of that mattered. Right now, Caspien was leaving.

“I have to go.” I shoved my phone in my pocket and legged it down the stairs and out of the building.

Ellie was waiting for me outside and she turned to smile.

“Sorry, Ellie. Emergency at home. I’ll call you later.”

She stood with a wide-eyed look on her face as I rushed past her towards the school gate where Luke’s van was parked in its usual spot.

I threw myself inside. He turned to me looking worried.

“What’s—”

“Is Cas going back to Switzerland?” I asked as I pulled on my seatbelt.

He shook his head, then shrugged. “I’ve no idea; was out at St. Helier today.”

“But you were there yesterday. What did he say?”

“Never saw him, Jude, what’s the matter?” He looked worried about me.

“I just need to speak to him before he goes. It’s really important.”

I could feel Luke’s eyes on me as I pulled my phone out and texted him back. I’d planned to be cool. I’d thought of nothing else but seeing him for two and a half days. How I’d act when I saw him tonight, what I would say, what I wouldn’t. Now I cared about none of that. Now I only cared about stopping him from leaving.

Me: