Page 105 of Oleander

The unmistakable sound of horse’s hooves. Then, soft, graceful footfalls picking their way across the long grass.

The door was pulled open.

Caspien appeared, draped in amber sunshine. My heart ached.

He wasn’t wearing his usual riding clothes, but a smart black shirt and a pair of light trousers, white trainers on his feet. He stepped inside and pulled the door closed behind him. He didn’t lock it.

There was nothing on his face to denote guilt or remorse; it was a beautiful mask. Doll-like and perfect.

“I guessed you would be here,” he said. “Though I went to the cottage first.”

I turned my head from him and tried, surreptitiously, to bring a hand up to rub the wetness from my cheeks.

“You were not supposed to see that,” he sighed. Then, as though he were irritated with me, “The plan was for you to come over this evening.”

I glared at him. “Oh, well, apologies for ruining your fucking plans! Sorry for missing you! Sorry for wanting to see you! Sorry for—” I cut myself off before saying it.Sorry for loving you.Instead I said, “Sorry for being a fucking idiot, I guess.”

He said nothing, but moved to sit on the bench seat opposite, graceful as a leopard. It wasn’t a large space, so when he sat our knees touched and I wondered if it was the last time I’d ever get to touch him.

“Jude, though it’s regrettable you had to see that, there are things you don’t understand.”

I felt my face rearrange itself. “Regrettable?ThingsI don’t understand?”

“I’m just saying that if you—”

“Do you love him?” I talked over him.

Caspien’s gaze sharpened. “You asked me that before, and I answered it before.”

“And I’m asking it again.”

“If I give a different answer this time, will it make you feel better or worse?”

I thought about that. If he said he loved him now, it would be far, far worse.

“Was all of it a lie?” I asked him instead. I loathed how desperate my voice sounded.

“Which parts?”

“The parts with me!” I roared so loud he startled slightly. “The things you made me believe, the ways you let me have you. I don’t understand how you could...” I shook my head. I couldn’t speak around the ball in my throat. It felt as though I was being choked from the inside out.

Then, a terrible realisation settled over me. I stared at him in horror.

“You never stopped, did you?” I said. “Seeing him. Blackwell was always there. You were just more careful about it. I was just more stupid about it.”

A glimmer of something in his eye told me I was right.

“And so, I was what? A way to pass the time? Did you talk about me with him? Laugh about me with him?”

He at least had the decency to look a little ashamed at this. Christ, the pain was blinding. I could barely draw my next breath.

“Why? Why even bother? You could have left me alone, left me out of it! Not made me care about you.”

This riled him. He sat up. “I never asked you to care for me, Jude,” he snapped. “And please,left you out of it? You wouldn’tlet me. You threatened me! Threatened to tell the police. You acted like a child with no care of the damage you could do!” He calmed, looking me dead in the eye. “And then you found out his name.”

Everything stopped. The very air seeming to still.

“That was when it began...” I whispered, understanding everything all at once. “When you pulled me closer, when you wanted me the way I wanted you.” I looked at him, stunned. He’d never looked more cruel, more cold, more beautiful. “You’re fucking poison.”