Page 115 of Oleander

I was in the King’s Arms on a Wednesday night with Nikita and Irish Conn when Finn texted to invite me for a drink. I’d seen him a couple more times since our first drunken night in the wine bar, where he’d told me I was his type, though he’d never made any kind of move on me, and I still hadn’t decided if I wanted him to.

Me:

I’m in the Kings with a couple of friends. Come in.

He didn’t respond, so I wasn’t sure if he would, but twenty minutes later, he strolled through the door, completely unfazed by the strangers who glared at him suspiciously as he approached.

“Guys, this is Finn,” I said by way of introduction. “I know him from back home.”

This settled them. Nika grabbed a stool and sat it down between himself and me and pointed at it. Then he offered to buy him a drink.

“I’ll get these,” Finn said. “What’s everyone on?”

When he returned to the table with their drinks, plus a shot each, any lingering doubt about him vanished. It was apparently that easy to win over my two friends. Bast had a late shift at the bike shop but was due to come later.

Finn was easy to like. He didn’t dominate the conversation, was interested in other people’s stories more than he liked telling his own, and was generous with his debit card. He paid for another two rounds before Bast showed up, by which time we were all amiably drunk.

I was at the bar getting my first round since I’d got here when Bast sidled in beside me.

“Yes. He definitely wants to fuck you,” said Bast. We’d talked about Finn before, about how I wasn’t sure if he was into me in a sexual way or if he was just a naturally flirty person. “Or, he wants you to fuck him. Whichever way you prefer.”

I laughed a little nervously. There’d been no one since the drunken encounter on my birthday, which I didn’t like thinking about. Not to mention, I had no clue which way I preferred. WasI a bottom or a top? Finn would be the first guy I’d ever properly been with, and I felt drunk enough to find out. Drunk enough to forget how Cas was supposed to be the first. The only.

When the end of the night came, Finn walked back with us. Bast was the one to invite him up, the offer of some beer in his room that we were all welcome to share. In Bast’s room, Finn sat close to me, warm thigh pressed against mine, eyes catching mine whenever I looked at him.

Hewasgood-looking. Not in the same way Cas had been, but no one was good-looking in quite the same way he was – his otherworldly beauty was almost frightening, but Finn was attractive in more than looks. He was one of those people who didn’t seem to carry an ounce of anxiety inside him, had an easy manner and was completely comfortable in his own skin. He reminded me a little of Alfie. Which made me realise that it came from a place of privilege, of never really wanting for anything. Or rather, never being deprived of anything.

Finn was real, solid, and when he smiled at me, there was no artifice in it.

He found me coming out of the bathroom, the one down the hall on the first floor shared by half the dorms. He was leaning casually against the wall as I stepped out into the hall, his legs crossed at the ankles, hands in his pockets.

He gave me an easy smile. “Your friends are cool.”

I moved to lean on the wall opposite. “Yeah, they are.”

He seemed to be considering something, then said, “So, I’ve been dropping hints since the day outside the Bodleian that I’m into you. I’m just not sure if you’re picking them up. So I thought I’d just ask.”

Warmth rippled across my chest and down. Life flooding into the cold parts of my body.

I liked how it felt.

“Was that a question?” I asked.

Finn laughed a little. “No, I guess technically it wasn’t.” His eyes, still sparkling, turned more determined, and he pushed off the wall and came toward me. When he was close enough that I could smell his shower gel, I straightened up and pressed myself back against the wall. Finn looked at my mouth and then leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t hard, but it was determined. There was no subtlety in it; it was the sort of kiss that left no doubt about what he wanted. I couldn’t say now whether I kissed him back, or if I simply allowed him to kiss me.

He was warm, firm, and slightly taller than me, making me feel somewhat cocooned. Did that mean I’d be under him? That he’d be the one fucking me? Was that how it worked? I was sure suddenly that I didn’t want that. To be fucked.

I hadn’t known what I was before, but it seemed now I knew what I wasn’t.

When he pulled back, he met my eye directly and said, “That was, though.”

“I’m not a bottom,” I blurted. “I mean, I’ve never...I don’t want to do that.” I felt embarrassed, unqualified, and very young as the words left my mouth, and when Finn laughed I wanted a void to open up beneath my feet and swallow me into it. But his eyes were kind.

“I’m vers. But we can do whatever you want, Jude. Fuck, I wasn’t even expecting we’d fuck tonight.”

“Oh,” I said, still embarrassed.

“I’d actually really like to suck your dick,” Finn said. “If you’ll let me.”