Page 91 of Oleander

And so, I said nothing about what Gideon had said that day. I shelved the words from that day like I had the anger over my parents’ deaths. If Caspien had no need of them, then neither did I.

Over the years, those words were forgotten, dust-covered and unused in the cellar of my memory. Until one day, over a decade later, when the truth of them would tumble out. Gargantuan and shocking as a dead whale beached on the shore.

Monday came with a weighty dread that filled my entire body. A heavy, solid thing that clung to my bones and threatened to pull me under. There was no good time to break up with Ellie, but the week after her grandfather’s funeral seemed particularly cruel. But then, so did what I was doing with Caspien behind her back.

I’d tossed and turned the entire night and managed to scrape three broken hours of sleep at most. On Sunday, I’d ignored her calls and lied about being at the cinema. I’d answered her texts with weird platonic words that I’d been sending to Caspien six months ago. Caspien, who I was instead sending texts that made me hot, fumbling, and aroused.

The entire world seemed to me then to be upside down.

There wasn’t much time to talk until lunch, but I got the sense that she could sense something was wrong between us.

“So, how did it all go?” I asked her the moment we sat down, alone away from the others. I’d given Alfie a look that he’d understood, and he’d moved off to sit with Georgia and Josh at a table a few rows down the dining hall.

“I mean fine, but it was just all so...sad.” I was sure she was about to cry again. “I went in to see him after, although Mum said I should only do that if I was sure because I’d never getthe image out of my head. That it might be how I end up remembering him, and Christ, Jude, I just wish I hadn’t done it.” She shook her head as if clearing the image. “God, I’m sorry. I feel so selfish talking like this when he was like my grandparent who I saw twice a year, and you’ve lost like both your mum and your dad.”

I frowned at her, confused by this. “What’s that got to do with anything? You lost someone you loved. You’re allowed to be upset about it, El.”

She gave me a watery smile and nodded. “I missed you so much. Do you want to come over tonight? My parents are out.”

I stuffed a forkful of chips in my mouth and said around them, “Yeah. Okay.”

The weight lifted a little. I had a few hours reprieve.

Caspien called me the moment I got home.

“Gideon has gone to London for a few days. Do you want to come over?”

“Tonight?” I asked, stalling.

“No, next Tuesday. Of course, tonight.”

“I can’t,” I hesitated. “I’m going over to Ellie’s.”

There was a pause. “Wow, you’re really going for shagger of the year, aren’t you?”

My cheeks caught flame. “What?Wehaven’t shagged?”

“Hmmmm. As good as. At least, I’m sure that’s what Ellie would think if I told her.”

“Not this again.” I sighed. “You’re not going to tell her.”

“No, I’m not. I wouldn’t have told her before either, you know. I’m not that awful of a person.”

“That’s still under debate,” I said and he snorted.

“You like me now, let’s not lie. You especially like when I take you down my throat and choke on your dick.”

I groaned, rolling back onto the bed and grabbing said dick. I thought he might continue with this, but he didn’t. I opened my eyes and let out a deep breath.

“Look, if you must know, I’m going to break up with her tonight.” The words hung there in the air like an unwelcome stench.

“Why?” he asked.

“Why do you think?”

“How on earth should I know the interior design of your mind palace, Jude? It’s why I asked.”

I didn’t know what to say. What I should or shouldn’t tell him, what he would and wouldn’t want to hear. So I told him exactly what I told Luke.