Page 143 of Oleander

Fervent, I shook my head. “I’m not uncomfortable, I promise. I’m not. I just wanted to be really clear about what this was. If it’s what I think it is, I mean. Honestly, I’m a little shit with this kind of thing.”

“What kind of thing is that?”

I shrugged awkwardly. “Knowing when people are into me, knowing if it’s what I think it is or...something else entirely.” I saw Cas’s face then.I never asked you to care for me, Jude.“I always get it wrong somehow.”

Nathan slid forward so that he was perched on the edge of the sofa.

“Then let me spell it out for you, Jude Alcott. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day in the coffee shop. I’ve neverwanted to take someone home just to shower, feed, and cuddle them to sleep before.”

I felt my cheeks heat, renewed mortification at the memory.

“That’s what did it? You mean, I sit in your class twice a week and try to impress you with my studiousness and intellect, and me hungover, unwashed, and starving was what got you?”

“Aw, you try to impress me?” He looked charmed. “I don’t look at my students that way in the classroom; there are rules about that kind of thing, you know.” One side of his mouth twitched.

“But outside of the classroom is fine?” I raised an eyebrow.

“We were two consenting adults who met in a supermarket and decided they wanted to have dinner together.”

“You’re still my professor.” I wanted to gag myself.

“Well, in about eight weeks, I’m not going to be your professor anymore, Jude. And this is definitely something we can revisit. I like you, and I’m happy to wait if any of this feels uncomfortable – that’s the last thing I want.”

He was serious, I could tell. He would wait for me. I found it...thrilling. And to my absolute disgust and horror, I got an inkling of what Caspien must have felt like with Blackwell.

Except that Caspien was a child then and I was an adult.

I was an adult and if Nathan wasn’t worried about what might happen should we be found out, then I decided I wasn’t either.

It gave me the final push I needed. I lowered myself to my knees so that I was on the rug between his open legs, and then I kissed him.

His lips were gentle and soft and the scrape of his short facial hair against my cheek as he tilted his head sent a delicious rush of arousal to my dick. Despite the undercurrent of fear about who he was, it already felt far less confusing than beingwith Finn had. I reached up and dug my fingers into his hair, grabbing at the chestnut brown curly top and pulling his head closer. When he moaned, lust spread over my body, all the way to my fingertips.

Nathan’s mouth tasted of wine and dark cherry, and I sank into the kiss so completely that the memory of another kiss, one that tasted of birthday cake and champagne, was all but forgotten.

We kissed for a long time that night – it was all we did – and I lost myself in it. He was an exceptional kisser. He kissed me as if I was something he’d longed for, something he wanted desperately. Kissing Nathan Alexander is something I miss even now. His mouth was always warm, always welcoming, always soothing away the aches and wants lingering there for someone else.

If I could have chosen a love, one that would have made me a better version of myself instead of worse, then I’d have chosen Nathan. But we don’t get to choose these things. I’d learned that lesson already, and I’d learn it a few more times still.

But that night, hands and tongues and tender smiles unfurled something new and hopeful into my heart.

When our kissing reached some critical point, it was Nathan who pulled back, smiling down at me as he brushed a hand over my cheek. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go home to my dorm where I’d pick apart everything about Nathan and set it out so I could compare it with Cas.

I wanted, almost desperately, to sleep next to him so I could wake up and see the sun on his face, so I could kiss him with the warmth of it on his lips. But he never asked me to stay, and I didn’t want to beg, so I kissed him at the door and said goodnight.

As I walked home under the same moon that had listened to my promise to love Cas unconditionally, I was almost convinced I was free from it. From him. From Deveraux, from that heartache that had been living deep inside me for so long.

That delusion didn’t last very long.

Thirteen

In the end, I managed to convince Nathan to hire a proper tour guide. I could show him a good time (I said with a wink) but not the places where the Germans had built their first bunker on British soil. I’d found it was much easier to admit not knowing much about my island’s history after he’d had my dick in his mouth.

But I agreed to go home, at least for the three weeks he’d be there. Luke was ecstatic and had already made plans for us to go fishing and do a couple of the west coast walking trails. Gideon was in Italy again, and fromthere,he’dbegoingbacktoLondon–where I was still welcome to come visit him if I was at a loose end (I hadn’t gone over Christmas after all – and Deveraux was still under renovation.)

It would be a different kind of summer without Gideon or Deveraux, and after the second-year exams I’d just emerged from – the hardest and most stressful of my life – I was looking forward to going home.

I was looking forward to showing Nathan my home.