Page 182 of Oleander

Cas was cruel and capricious. He cared about no one. He was heartless and selfish. I’d meant nothing to him.

“I don’t understand.” I was shaking my head, refusing even now to believe it. “How? It doesn’t make any sense. He had no money; he didn’t inherit until he turned twenty-five. He told me this. It’s why he couldn’t come to Oxford. It’s why…”

“His father,” Gideon said. His voice was solid now, the gaspiness from his coughing fit gone. “Some time after his sixteenth birthday, he was contacted by a lawyer. His father wanted to meet him, begin some kind of relationship with him, pass to him some paternal endowment; I was not party to thedetails. There was a DNA test, Caspien insisted, and when the provenance of the claim was verified, Caspien agreed to meet with the man.”

I’d sat down on the chair again, but my legs still felt weak, my heart thumping like a drum in my chest.

“I asked Xavier to facilitate the meeting, to represent Caspien’s interests.” At this, he looked guilty again. “I was told the meeting did not go well. That Caspien said he had no desire to speak with the man again. I was also told that the endowment was refused.”

Here, he looked at me. Here, I understood. Here, the truths I had always accepted as fact, rearranged themselves entirely.

“I was later given to understand that Caspien had, in fact, accepted the money. That he had set up a trust fund to be administered by a third-party firm to cover the cost of an Oxford education, a car, private dental and health care and the general living costs of a student for the duration of that education.”

“It can’t be true.”

“Why not? Because you’ve convinced yourself he never cared for you.”

I had. I had convinced myself of that. But only because it made things easier to bear.

“It’s a theory, one you’ve made up in your head.”

“Yes. That I then put to him and had him confirm,” said Gideon. “He threatened that if I ever told you, he would have Xavier destroy me and take every penny I had. Cas knew how you would feel if you ever learned the truth.”

“Did Blackwell know?”

“Of course, he did. He knew exactly how Cas felt about you.”

How Cas felt about me. I felt scraped out and raw, hollow. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with this. How to feel.

Then I remembered.

“You said he left Blackwell two years ago.”

Gideon knew what I was asking, what I now understood. “As soon as he turned twenty-five.”

I won’t ask Gideon for a single penny and I have not a penny to my name until I turn twenty-five.

“He stayed with him until he inherited his own money,” I said as everything slid into place.

“He married him so he could take half of what he owned,” Gideon supplied. “Six years. Any marriage under five makes the splitting of assets a little trickier.”

Cas. What the hell did you fucking do?

I wanted to cry. Hit something.

“He loved you, Jude,” said Gideon. “He chose you. He chose you when he was sixteen, in the only way that made sense to him. He thought Xavier was a different kind of man then, yes, but when he knew that he wasn’t, he chose to protect you instead of himself.”

I shook my head. “No. He could have left with me then, Gideon. In London. He didn’t have to go back to him. I would have forgiven him for anything, I’d have loved him through anything. He didn’t choose me then.”

“Xavier would have ruined you, Jude,” Gideon said. “He wanted to keep you safe and happy. That was in Oxford, far away from Xavier. And him. He wanted you to live your dream...”

“He was my fucking dream, Gideon!” I shouted. “Him! He made himself miserable, forced himself into a life with that piece of shit for what? For what?” I tore at my hair and scrubbed a hand over my mouth.

Gideon looked sadder than I’d ever seen him.

“For you, Jude. For you.”

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