Page 55 of Oleander

I would die if he stopped now; I was certain of it.

His mouth was as warm and wet and perfect as I remembered, and I explored it like the paradise it was. Greedy and dizzy from the pleasure it offered.

When he pressed his body harder against me and moved, I saw pure white light, parts of us rubbing together that caused my whole body to sing loudly. Fireworks sparked behind my closed eyes and heat building so quick and urgent that I thought I was about to be incinerated from the inside.

He made a noise then, some desperate whimper that I knew I’d spend the rest of my life thinking about, and tore his mouth from mine to look down into my eyes.

His cheeks were flushed pink and his mouth a bright strawberry red and I thought I might cry from how beautiful he looked.

It was the sort of beautiful great art and literature was created for. Fragile and delicate and destructive. I would write about it the very instant I was alone, and if the words didn’t exist to describe it, then I’d create new ones. I reached my lips up,seeking his again, and he took pity on me and kissed me again. As he tilted his angle and moved again, a jolt of pleasure raced down my spine to my balls.

“Cas…” I moaned, moving one hand down to his arse and gripping his cheek hard, using that grip to move him over where I needed him. We kissed and moved and breathed together, minutes or hours or days of tasting him, of chasing that edge of pleasure that would take me to the end of the world.

Before I could stop it, I was over the edge, falling.

With a deep groan, I bit out against his mouth as I crushed him against me.

Caspien followed me a few moments later, or at least I thought he did. It was quieter, and he held his mouth pressed against mine, breathing into it as his long limbs trembled. Then it was over. He dropped his head to the crook of my neck and breathed me in.

It was me who spoke first.

“I’ll break up with Ellie.”

He sat up and stared down at me.

“Whatever for?”

“Because...” I gave him a look that said it should be obvious. Itwasobvious. To me, at least.

He climbed up and off my body, leaving me feeling bare and exposed. Cold and very wet too. He’d lain on me for approximately two and a half minutes, and somehow, my body had gotten used to his weight on it. I felt like I might be blown away.

“Because ofthatyou want to break up with your girlfriend?” He snorted like it was the most absurd thing he’d ever heard. “Don’t be such a child.”

I had never felt less of a child in my life. I rose to my feet.

“I don’t know what it’s like at boarding school, but herechildrendon’t do that.” I pointed at the floor where we’d just done the most intimate thing I’d ever done with another person. “Christ, Cas, I’ve never done that before with anyone.” I wanted him to know what that meant.

He blinked, and then his eyes grew dark, like a predator whose prey had just shown some fatal weakness.

“Is that your way of saying you’re a virgin? What, can’t you get it up for her?” His smirk was cruel, and I felt it like a needle in my chest. “Why do you think that is?”

I hated him again. Rooted around for something to say back, something shaped cruelly I could throw at him. But then I remembered the promise I’d made myself: be his friend. Even if he didn’t want it. Even if he made it impossible.Make an effort.

“You don’t need to act like this, you know,” I said calmly, though my heart was thundering behind my ribs. “Like nothing means anything or like everything’s a joke. You don’t need to act like that with me.”

His face did a strange thing, like he was trying very hard to keep something from showing on it.

“But it didn’t mean anything. We got off together, for Christ’s sake. I’ve done it a million times before. It doesn’t mean we’re in love, Jude.”

Love.The word was huge and loud and threatened to flatten me. I felt my entire body heat up from my toes to my hair.

I hadn’t been implying that. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. I didn’t love him, for Christ’s sake. I was pretty sure I hated him. Or at least, what I felt for him was complicated and took up a lot of time and space and energy in my brain but it wasn’t love. It wasn’t anything like it.

Avoiding his eyes, I crossed to where my bag was and grabbed it up off the floor.

“I have to go.” I started toward the door.

“Oh look, Judith’s running away again.”