Page 117 of Oleander

Though I was unsure if I wanted to fuck him, I was certain I didn’t want him to fuck me. And I didn’t know whether that was to do with orientation or preference or even Finn himself.

So, it was a scab that I left alone. We played around with each other, easily and indefinably, but always respectfully. No definitions, no rules, and no expectations.

And this worked perfectly, up until it didn’t.

Four

To:[email protected]

From:[email protected]

Dear Cas,

I’m going home tomorrow. Home to Jersey. Home to Deveraux. And I’m terrified.

Did you know I haven’t been home since I left for Oxford? I’m not sure how you would know. Maybe Gideon tells you some things about me – I admit that sometimes I tell him things I hope he’ll pass on to you. Even if it isn’t true. (I absolutely love it here, I’m doing really well in all my classes, I’ve been seeing someone).

My last exam was yesterday and I feel pretty positive. Even if it did feel weird sitting there in that stupid outfit. Oxford has all these strange, ancient traditions that don’t make sense anymore but everyone gets really excited about. The term names is just one of them, but I’m used to that now. The point of it is to make the students here feel like they’re members of some secret club that only the very clever or very rich get to be a part of.

Though since I’m neither, I think it’s all a bit pointless. But I think the exams went well. I actually think I’m a person who is just good at exams. How I was able to get the grades I did in my A’s when I was still mourning you, I’ll never know. But I did. And I’m mourning you a little less these days, so I guess we’ll see….

I’m also waiting to find out where I’ll be staying next year since they reallocate dorms for second years. I’ll miss sharing the dorm with Bast andConn and Nika – though they’re all moving as well – but somewhere new might be fun, too.

So, I’m writing this at my desk, on my last night in this place. I won’t miss the early morning bin collection.

I’m scared of seeing Deveraux again after so long. I’m scared about how empty I’m going to feel when I get there, how alone and sad it will feel again without you. It’s different feeling those things here: a lot of people at Oxford are alone and sad. More than I think the University’s Mental Health Committee would care to admit.

I want to go to the birdwatchers hut at least once, I think. I’ll let you know if I do. Sometimes I wonder why I’m not angrier at you. I mean, I am angry at you, really angry. But, I don’t know, I think mainly I’m just sad. Mainly, I just miss you. I miss you all the time. I keep waiting to feel angry, and maybe if I saw you I would be angry with you. I don’t know. I think that I’d just want to hold you, touch you, kiss you.

Fuck, I miss you so much, Cas.

Love,

Jude

The last day of term was 21st June, almost two years and a month to the day Caspien left me, and I could avoid it no longer. I had to go home. The halls were deep cleaned over the summer, and since I wouldn’t be returning to my single room on the second floor, I had to pack everything into two large boxes and a suitcase before I left. I put both into the back of my car and began the just under two-hour journey to the ferry at Portsmouth.

I’d decided to take the car home and leave it there for the coming year. I’d need it to get around the island, and I’d barely used it since I got here as everywhere was walkable, I was really just paying the permit for the privilege of being able to look at it parked in the car park at the dorm.

I had almost three months off. Three months at home. I felt ill with dread at the prospect. Last summer had been awful, and I’d been little more than a walking zombie the last school year; I’d ignored almost every invite Alfie and Josh had given me, no matter what it was, and never bothered going to prom.

Since I’d been in Oxford, I’d exchanged all of four texts and a few Instagram messages with Alfie. Only one with Josh since September. Josh, I knew, was currently in France playing for a rugby team I couldn’t recall the name of.

In any case, I was sure Alfie would want nothing to do with me if I did reach out when I got home. And I wouldn’t have blamed him.

I’d considered hanging out in Portsmouth for the weekend before catching the ferry on Monday morning, but the hotel prices were insane, and when I got there and saw how packed the beach and every café and bar were, I was glad I hadn’t.

If I was looking forward to anything about going home, it was the idea of speaking very little to very few people. I planned to sleep a lot, read a lot, and maybe take a few solitary drives to the beach if the weather held up.

It’s a ridiculously long journey across the channel on the ferry. I slept some, ate an overpriced sandwich, finished a book, and slept a little more. It was 7:30 p.m. when I drove off the boat and onto the island. Around 8:00 p.m. when I reached the gates of Deveraux. Luke came bounding out of the cottage the moment I pulled into the driveway, face bright and happy as a puppy,practically hauling me out of the driver’s seat and into a hug I hadn’t known I’d needed.

“Missed you, Judey,” he said, his voice sounding oddly vulnerable.

“Yeah, me too. Sorry it’s been ages.”

“Hey, you’re busy with uni, we get it. You’re here now,” he said, releasing me. “Got any bags?”

“One and a suitcase. Some boxes in the back seat.” I grabbed my rucksack from the passenger seat while Luke lifted out the boxes. Beth was standing, arms folded, at the front door. She looked happy to see me too, I thought, opening her arms wide and pulling me into a hug.