Page 181 of Oleander

“I’m dying, Jude. And I cannot take it with me. I have very little family to speak of, and I have accounted for them in the same way they’ve accounted for me these last few months.Elspeth and Luke shall have something, Jasper too, of course, but I’d like the majority of my estate to be shared between you and Caspien. Since Caspien has his own money, he shall be seen to regardless, so I wanted to make sure you were comfortable after my passing.”

That word struck like a blade inside me.

“Comfortable,” I echoed.

“I should like you not to have to worry about money, to be able to write for as long as you want to without living costs being any kind of burden to your art. You have an incredible talent, Jude. I’m so proud of what you’ve achieved.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I stood from the chair, walked toward him and threw the copy of his will onto the bed.

“I don’t want your money, Gideon.”

He’d expected this. Was calm as he said, “Jude, I understand how proud you are, but when I die I should like to know that you are com—”

“If you saycomfortableto me one more fucking time, I will burn this mausoleum to the ground with you inside it.”

He closed his mouth. Looking up at me with pitiful eyes full of death.

“Money isn’t comfort to me, Gideon. Comfort is going to sleep with the person you love wrapped up in your arms. It’s knowing the people you love are safe and happy. Comfort’s not choosing a piece of shit grooming abuser over someone who would have spent every day trying to make you happy. Comfort is knowing you deserve happiness and to be loved. That’s my comfort, Gideon. He was my comfort, and I would have been his, and you’re part of the reason neither of us has it. So keep your fucking money. I’m not interested in it.”

I turned on my heel, determined to leave this house and never come back. There was nothing new to be learned here.

I was done. Finally done.

“He chose you,” Gideon said.

I turned, furious. “No, he didn’t. You messed him up so royally that he thought a violent relationship with his fucking abuser was what he deserved.”

“You don’t understand,” he said, sounding tired. “Though neither did I at the time. Even though it was right in front of me.”

He broke into a fit of terrible, wracking coughs. Concern dragged me back to him, and I helped him drink a few shallow mouthfuls from his water cup through the straw.

When it was over, he was still breathing hard, but his eyes were as focused and determined as ever.

“He chose you, Jude. Over Xavier and over himself. He chose you.”

“Gideon, let’s leave this alone,” I said calmly. I felt guilty now for my outburst. He was bloody dying. Couldn’t I show some empathy for Christ sake?

“No, Jude, you need to understand. You’re right to hate me, because it was my fault he had to choose at all. But he chose you, Cas chose you.”

“Gideon,” I said again.

“You were never to know. He didn’t want you to know,” Gideon said, coughing. “But he wanted you to have it, to have Oxford, to be happy without him.”

Everything around me, and in me, ground to a sudden terrifying halt.

“What are you talking about?” My voice was dangerously thin. An almost whisper.

“It’s right that you hate me, Jude, it is, but I cannot leave this place without telling you what he did. What he did for you, because he chose you, because helovedyou.”

I staggered back from him, from the bed, reeling. My head was both very loud and very quiet at the same time.

“No, no, that couldn’t have been...” I’d spent years trying to figure out who had done it. Who’d cared so fucking much about my life, my future, my expectations of myself, to have done that for me. Three years ago I’d even hired a private investigator. He’d said it was a dead end. There was nothing, not a trace of this mysterious altruist who had ensured I’d gotten to Oxford.Oxford is your dream, Jude, he’d said that day in the hut.

“Who else?” Gideon asked raspily. “Who else, Jude?”

At some point, I’d thought maybe it had been the person who’d killed my parents. Some great epiphany had caused him to attempt to make up for it. But if that was so, why hadn’t he done the same for Beth? I’d thought, even after everything I’d seen to the contrary, it had indeed been Gideon. I’d thought about Luke too – that he’d hidden some money away from my sister just so he could do this.

But not once, not in any scenario, had I thought it was Cas.