Page 147 of Oleander

“Oh, come on, you didn’t think he’d run off with a guy he’d just met, did you?”

“I didn’t give it all that much thought. Never met the fella he’s with. You’re saying he was how old?” Luke’s face had gone very pale. “When Cas was...you’re sure?”

I gave him a look. “Extremely.”

Luke curled his fist atop the table, eyes black as pitch suddenly. He took an angry sip of his pint. “Does Gideon know this?”

I gave a helpless shrug. Then sighed. “Anyway, this isn’t about Cas, and Nathan isn’t Blackwell. He’s the furthest thing from it, Luke. I promise.”

Luke stared at me for a long time. “Okay, Judey,” he said at last. “If you know what you’re doing, then I’m alright with it.” His mouth softened, not all the way to a smile, but away from the hard grim line of a moment earlier. “You seem happier, buddy.”

I smiled. “I am.”

But then, I remembered. My smile fell.

“I actually don’t know how I’m supposed to look at her, Luke.”

He reached out to squeeze my arm again. “Hey, she’s your sister, and she’s been through the mill of it too.” He lifted his pint and drained the last of it. “I don’t want you to hate her on my behalf. Christ, I don’t hate her, Judey. I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, you know? It’s been pretty lonely these last couple years with you gone and Beth being, well, so far away too. Now I’ve lost her. I’m just not sure who I am without her, kinda scary being single again. Jeez.”

I felt an enormous swell of guilt about that then. About running away at the first chance I got. About staying away at every opportunity after. But it had been necessary. I’d known no other way to cope.

“Sorry,” I said anyway.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” Luke said.

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry for not being around when you’ve been going through this.” I took a sip of my lager.

“You’ve been off living your life. Getting a degree at Oxford. Shagging your professors.”

I coughed out my beer. It landed over both of us. Luke was grinning – almost happily – as he wiped it off his arm.

The following morning, Luke was out, working somewhere on the grounds, and Beth was in the kitchen making breakfast when I walked in. I hesitated, thinking about turning around and going back upstairs. But she’d heard me come in and turned to look at me.

I took a moment to just look at her: she looked better than I’d seen her look in a long time. Well-rested and tanned, her hair in long healthy waves down her back. I hated her a little more for it.

The look she gave me seemed to contain multitudes.

“He told you then,” she said with a sigh.

Without a word I walked across the kitchen to pull out a mug, and began to fill the kettle. I set it onto boil and stood at the kitchen sink, my back to her as I looked out the window.

“Jude. Please look at me.”

I wasn’t sure I could. My knuckles were white, and my jaw clenched so hard it ached.

“I’m your sister,” she said. I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but I turned around.

“Yeah, and Luke’s your husband. What’s your point?” I said harshly.

“These things just happen, Jude. It’s no one’s fault.”

“Well, it’s certainly not Luke’s fault.Youlet this happen, Beth. Luke loves you, adores you. Luke is the best fucking man I know, that most people know, so it is someone’s fault – but not his!”

She smiled. A sad, twisted thing I didn’t like at all. “Christ, he’s just bloody perfect, isn’t he? You’ve never seen him as anything else.”

“So, what you’re going to try and convince me you running off with someone else is somehowhis fault?” I asked her, incredulous.

“No, no, of course, not. But I think if you meet Dan, you’ll like him.” She smiled hopefully.