Page 118 of Oleander

“Good to see you. Did you eat yet?”

I shook my head. “Shitty sandwich on the boat.”

“There’s curry,” she said and suddenly I could smell it, homely and fragrant.

My mouth watered with want. “Sounds amazing, thanks.”

She nodded and wandered down the hall to the kitchen.

Luke followed me upstairs, dutifully carrying my boxes and setting them down in the corner. My room was exactly as I had left it, though with a new bed set I hadn’t seen before and there was a model plane half built on my desk.

I glanced at Luke and raised an eyebrow.

“Harry bought it for me for my birthday,” he explained. “Been really into it, actually.”

“Makes sense.” Luke was exceptional with anything that required the use of his hands. A lot like Cas had been, in fact.

“You need the desk, though? For your uni work?”

“Nah, it’s fine. I don’t have too much on, just some books to read and films to watch. A single paper if I want to get ahead of myself, but I can use the Library at the big house.”

He nodded, gaze turning thoughtful. “I know Gideon is looking forward to seeing you. Saw him this morning.”

“Yeah? I’ll pop up and see him tomorrow or Tuesday.” It felt like something I had to fortify myself against, not him exactly, but what he might tell me about Cas.

I saw Luke hesitate a moment, consider something, and then, as though my thoughts were as open to him as they were to me, he said, “You ever hear from Cas at all?”

“No,” I said. “Never.”

Luke’s mouth turned down on one side, commiserating. I thought he would say something else because he stood there with that sad look on his face for a few moments before he just nodded.

“I’ll let you get settled. See you downstairs, buddy,” he said, closing the door.

As soon as he was gone, I fell back onto my bed and stared at the familiar crack on the ceiling.

I slept surprisingly well that night and woke the following morning feeling fresh and rested. It was one of those bright white summer days the island was famous for, sparkling with light and heat but with the faintest of breezes coming in from the channel.

I drank a glass of water and ate some cereal at the back door while staring at the lake.

I remembered the day I’d fallen in, and I wondered what I’d do if he came riding up towards the cottage like he had that day. What would it be like to see him again? I could bear it if I knew he thought about me sometimes. If he stood eating breakfast thinking about me for even a moment, then I could bear it, I thought.

By the time I came out of the shower, Luke and Beth were awake and in the kitchen, each making individual breakfasts bythe look of it. It’s obvious to me now what was months away from happening then, but at the time, I was too self-absorbed, too completely wrapped up in my own heartbreak to notice anyone else’s.

“I’m going to take a walk around the estate,” I told them without waiting for their response.

I grabbed a book and my sunglasses and headed outside, taking the path leading me towards the birdwatcher’s hut and away from the big house. I’d avoided it since that day, but as I’d lain awake the previous night, I’d decided I would face it today. Maybe there was some healing or closure to be found there. Something that would make everything with Cas make sense, finally. Even if it was to understand that there was nothing to make sense of. Even if it was to accept the fact that he’d been with me purely as a distraction. Purely to prevent me from focusing on Blackwell. I needed to accept that. I needed to move on. It was enough now.

I’d been moping over him for two years, drinking when my feelings got too much to handle, and refusing to give myself over to the possibility of being with anyone else. I’d wanted to become something of an equal to Cas so if we ever met again, he wouldn’t see that weak, stupid boy I’d been then, and what had I done so far? I’d been accepted to Oxford, sure. I’d made it through a single year.

But who was I? What was I?

I was certain I would have nothing to impress Cas with if he had walked back into my life right then. I hadn’t reached the hut, but maybe I didn’t need to go there at all. There was nothing there but bad memories, and I had enough of them living in my head.

I stopped walking, pulled out my phone and shot off a text to Alfie to tell him I was home if he fancied catching up. Then I turned and walked in the opposite direction.

I arranged to meet Alfie in a sports bar in town. Beth had offered to drop me off on her way to meet a friend for dinner. He was already there when I arrived and had snagged a pool table beneath a large screen showing an England versus Sweden friendly that no one was really paying attention to. He greeted me with a big friendly smile, didn’t mention how many of his texts I’d ignored, and offered to get the first round of beers. Josh was still in France so it was just the two of us.

“So, how’s Oxford?” he asked after he’d broke.