Page 132 of Oleander

That wasn’t his fucking home.

“So, that’s it,” I said, panic and fury making my breathing hitch. “You’re just gone. Again. Back to Boston.”

He was typing something on his phone so was only half-looking at me. “It’s where I live, Jude.”

“Why did you come here last night?” I asked him. “You never answered me when I asked. Did you come here just to fuck me up again? Is this really all some big game to you?”

He stilled, lifting his head to level a smirk at me. “I fucked you up? Oh, I have some bruises which say otherwise, sweetheart.”

The guilt almost floored me, but his tone felt like a slap in the face.

“Look,” he said patiently. “Both of us had a fun time last night. Nothing more than any other student does after a party on a Saturday night. Not everything has to be laden with meaning, Jude. You don’t have to have an existential crisis over some rough sex with an old friend.”

I could barely believe my ears. I was beginning to suspect he practised this. That he spent hours picking over the right words so they’d do the most damage. Our history, our connection that ran bone deep to me: it was carved into my fucking soul. But to him, I was some fun way to spend a Saturday night. Hewaspoisonous. I’d been infected with him, and every time we were face to face, he’d twist his tainted blade that little bit deeper.

“I’m not going to stop seeing Finn,” I said because it was the only thing I could think of to say that might piss him off. “I like him, he’s great at blowjobs and I don’t see why I should stop doing something I enjoy just because you asked me to.”

He glared at me, nostrils flaring ever so slightly. “You once stopped masturbating for a whole week because I asked you to.”

My balls clenched from the reminder. “Yeah, well. Things change.”

“You said you were friends,” Caspien reminded me in a low, threatening voice.

“We are.”

“So, then you’re friends the way we werefriends?” When I said nothing, he took a step closer, smirking again. “You do realise that you don’t have to stick your dick in the holes of all of your friends, don’t you? It’s not a prerequisite of friendship.”

“Why do you even care? You’re not jealous, surely?” I knew he wasn’t. I knew he felt nothing like jealousy about my being with Finn, but I was drowning, so I clutched at anything I could.

“I care because you’re being an idiot.”

“Well, now, that is a prerequisite of friendship with you, so you can’t really blame me for that one.” I thought this very clever and smiled at him triumphantly.

He, however, did not look amused.

“You could have anyone,” he said. “There are thirty-six colleges in this university and you could have had anyone – male or female – and you chose Finlay. What am I supposed to glean from that, do you think?”

“I couldn’t give less of a fuck what you glean from it, Cas. It’s nothing to do with you.”

He lifted his chin and looked me square in the eye. “Well, I’ll tell you, shall I? I think you chose the one person you knew it would disturb me most to learn of you being with.”

“Disturb you?” I almost laughed. “Explain to me what is disturbing about it, Cas? Explain to me how it’s any more disturbing than you being withhim? With the person who groomed you as a fucking child?!”

He blanched, though I couldn’t tell if it was from the loudness of my voice or the words.

“Lower your bloody voice,” he said very quietly. “They are not the same.”

I lowered my voice, seething as I said. “No, you’re right they’re not the same. One is illegal. Blackwell should be in fucking jail.”

“Finlay is my cousin,” he said.

“Barely. What else?”

He studied me. “I had no idea you cared about him so much.”

“I don’t fucking care about him!” I shouted again. “That’s not the point!”

I realised what I said too late, of how easily I’d walked into his trap. Anger and despair and that ever-present stupidity around him had loosened my tongue, unravelling me before him again.