Page 37 of Oleander

I took the stairs up to the bedrooms two at a time. The upstairs was a square mezzanine with doors and corridors leading off it in several directions. I’d never been up here, so of course, I went the wrong way. Down a wide hallway, I opened the door to a gallery room, a few unused bedrooms – dust sheets covering the furniture inside – and turned to find a whole wing cordoned off by a large wooden folding screen. Behind it was dark and unlit, and so I figured neither Caspien nor Gideon’s bedrooms would be beyond it. The first set of locked doors I came to on the other side of the staircase, I decided, had to be Gideon’s bedroom.

I hammered again anyway. When there was no answer, I went further down the hall. A few more doors were locked, and I did the same here. A few bedrooms weren’t locked but looked andsmelled unused – cold, dark rooms that hadn’t been occupied in months if not years.

The door at the furthest end was slightly open, light spilling into the hall. I knew it would be Caspien’s room; the angle of it would have a view over to the cottage, and the closer I got to it, the closer I felt to him. For the briefest moment before I stepped inside, I was terrified at what I’d find. I was terrified he’d hurt himself, that I’d find him covered in blood or worse. I held my breath as I pushed open the door and stepped inside.

A large ornate bed sat in the centre of the room. Not pushed against the wall as most beds were, but right in the centre. Two large antique lamps stood like sentinels on either side of the large bed. Books sat in piles on either side of it, as though unpacked from boxes and just abandoned there. A large fireplace on one end was lined with trophies and plaques; some in the shape of horses, others shaped into tennis racquets and balls, and some a little figure with a sword.

At the foot of the huge bed on a wooden ottoman were stacks of what looked like sketch pads, trays of pencils, and a small Philodendron next to it. Taped around the walls were pages from those sketchpads, random compositions, some of which looked half-finished. Next to those were pages of what looked like music. It was like a great wind had scattered everything in the room, and no one had bothered to tidy it.

Caspien lay on his side in the centre of the bed. His back was to me, so I couldn’t tell if his eyes were closed or not.

“Caspien,” I said.

“I told you to go home.”

I ignored that and came closer. “Where’s Gideon?” I asked.

He said he hadn’t known downstairs, but I didn’t believe for a moment that Gideon would leave without telling him wherehe’d gone. Gideon was eccentric and strange, but he wasn’t completely irresponsible.

“With his newest whore I’d imagine,” Caspien said, sounding tired.

“Where’s Elspeth?”

“Visiting Family in Norfolk.”

Gideon had left him alone without a soul to look over him? Rage bubbled under my skin. When I got to the side of the bed, I looked down at him. He looked small there in the huge bed, small and very young. I had the urge to climb in next to him and put my arms around him.

“Did something happen?” I asked gently.

“No.”

There was a bone-deep fear in my body that I didn’t understand. I wanted to help him, protect him, fix whatever it was making him act like this, but I was scared too.

“I’m going to call Luke,” I said and went to move from the bed.

“Please, don’t.” His voice was small but fierce.

Gingerly, I sat back down on the bed and shifted across it so I was closer to him.

“Then tell me what’s wrong...” I left it hanging there a moment before I added. “I thought we were friends?”

I expected him to laugh at that. Throw it back in my face and say something mean. Instead, he just said, “You’re only here because Luke asked you to be. Or because you feel sorry for me. I can’t decide which is worse.”That’s not what I feel for you.“No. That’s not true.”

He scoffed. “No? Come on, Jude, we both know if it were down to you, then you’d be with your real friends oryour girlfriend.”

I thought about that – not about how bizarre it was that he was saying it – but about whether it was true. Did I come hereunder duress? Would I rather be with Alfie and Josh right now? Or Ellie? I shook my head even though he couldn’t see it.

“Maybe at first. But not now.”

He unfurled himself and turned to look at me, studying me, checking the validity of my claim.“Really?”

The frown smoothed away a little and some light came on in his eyes, and I was drawn like a moth to it. I was responsible for putting that light there. It was a heady feeling.

“No.” I smiled. “I’m here because I want to be, Cas.” It was the first time I’d ever used the nickname. The one I’d never been given permission to use. I prepared myself for the light in his eye to go out. Instead, he surged forward and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. It stole my breath and put me into some kind of shock.

Caspien was pressed against me. Of his own volition.

When he buried his face in my neck and took a deep breath, I felt a tremor move through my entire body. He was solid and close. So close. To be this close to him was absurd. For him to be clinging to me like this was so outside of normal that it only compounded the fact that something was very, very wrong with him.