Page 5 of Oleander

“Will you write something while you’re here?” Sparks of excitement flicker in his bleary eyes now.

“Unlikely. Been a bit blocked recently.” It had been fucking hell. Sat in the chilly spare room for the last month, pushing out words in stuttering constipated misery. Yes, I’d come to see Gideon after putting it off for so long, but I also hoped there might be some sliver of inspiration to be found in a cornersomewhere here. Surely there was something more than ghosts and the echoes of heartache within these old walls?

“There really is quite a lot to talk about, but I wonder if you wouldn’t mind if we start it tomorrow?” Gideon says, already looking drowsy. “These tablets are wonderful for the pain, but they really do destroy my concentration.”

“That’s fine,” I say. “It’s late anyway.”

Gideon nods, a private little smile on his face as he looks at me. “I’m so glad you came, Jude, really I am. I feared I’d never see you again, that I’d never get the chance to tell you...” His eyes were closing over, lids heavy. “Jasper will show you to your room.”

“I know my way about, Gideon.”

“Yes, yes, of course. Of course, you do.”

A moment later, he was asleep, or something like it. I watch him for a couple of minutes before standing and wandering out of the room. I find Jasper in a chair just outside the music room, reading a book. He has the cover bent back, so I can’t see what it is.

“He’s asleep,” I tell him.

He stands and gives me a sort of searching look.

“You hungry?”

“Not really, no.”

Jasper shrugs.

“So, where am I sleeping?”

“Oh, yeah, I’ll take you up.”

I feel like saying to him that I know this house as well as he does, maybe better, but I’m tired and can’t be bothered with the conversation it might invite, so I let him lead me up the stairs.

“You’re not what I imagined,” he says as we go. “When he talks about you – which is a lot – I imagined someone different.”

I’m unsure what to say to that, so I keep quiet and focus on where he is leading us. Though, it was bound to be only one of two places.

Jasper pushes open the door of Cas’s mother’s bedroom and walks inside. He’d already put my bags on the bed and closed the curtains. A small electric heater sits in the centre of the room, fighting against the chill. For a moment, I see the two of us on the floor, limbs entwined and mouths exploring. It could have been worse; Gideon could have given me Cas’s room. There was a time when he would have and perhaps the fact that he hasn’t means he has changed a little at least, though it will take a lot more to convince me.

“I switched it on after you arrived; it’ll heat up eventually,” says Jasper. “I’ve given you some extra blankets.”

“Thanks.”

“Bathroom’s just down the hall.”

“I know.”

“Any special dietary requirements?” He is smiling a little now, and I have the peculiar feeling that he might be flirting. “For breakfast? I normally make porridge for him; I do a mean bowl with cream and honey.”

The feeling fades. “Um, no. Porridge is fine, thanks.”

“You got it,” he says before striding out of the room and leaving me alone.

I plug my phone in to charge, though I have to pull out a side table and unplug the lamp to do it. Then, I lie back on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

He was really dying.

Some deep mistrusting part of me had thought that perhaps it was a ruse to get me here; to ensnare me back into the web I’d escaped eight years ago. But surely he knows, as well as Ido, that I’d never really escaped. This place, him, Cas, all of it, live inside me. I am as much a part of the web as they were the creators of it. The way a plant or a tree can grow through solid stone if given time. There is still the possibility that he’s brought me here to torment me to the last but I’m prepared this time, in a way I hadn’t been then.

These walls and the two men inside had swallowed me whole once before, so when I emerged from the belly of the beast, I staggered into the world blinking and raw. This time, though, I have come armed. This time, I’ve come with sharp edges, blades, and a warrior’s hardened heart, and I’ll cut myself free without a moment’s hesitation.