Page 107 of Oleander

He stopped in the open doorway and turned back to face me. A sliver of sunlight was left in the hut, and it pierced through him at a downward angle like a bolt of holy light through his chest.

Once more, he lifted his chin, imperious as he met my eye. “You’ve always had rather grandiose ideas about what you can and can’t do. Oxford will beat that out of you, I’m sure.” He glanced once more at where the trust paperwork lay. “If you have a single ounce of sense in that bloody head of yours, then sign that.”

And then he was gone.

Thirty one

Istayed there until it was dark and then walked home. Luke was making dinner, steak I remember, and the scent of burning meat turned my stomach.

I’d gone to the bathroom to throw up again and then fell into bed and slept until the following morning. When I woke up, it was that same sensation I used to have in the months after my parents died, where for a few moments, I forgot. Where my mind’s short-term memory was still rousing, and the horror hadn’t yet made itself known.

I lay staring at the ceiling for a long time, wondering if he’d left Deveraux yet. I thought of calling the police and telling them everything I knew about Xavier Blackwell and his relationship with Caspien Deveraux. Cas was sixteen now, but he’d been a child when this began. That, I knew, would ruin a man like Xavier.

But I also knew it wouldn’t make Cas come back to me. It wouldn’t give me back what I’d lost – and that was something which hadn’t even been mine to begin with. I wasn’t sure what I’d been to Cas, a distraction, a game, but he’d been real to me.

There was a knock on my door around 10 a.m. Luke’s head popped in.

“Hey buddy, you okay? You must be starving?” His eyes were kind and warm, and they made me want to cry again.

“I’m not really hungry.”

“You seeing Cas tonight? Heard he was home.”

I could only shake my head. But whatever Luke saw on my face was enough to worry him.

“Well, how’s about we stick on a film and watch something fun?”

I didn’t know what Luke’s idea of fun entailed, but I was certain I didn’t want to do it.

“I’m not feeling too great, actually, thought I’d just hang around here. Maybe sleep some more honestly.”

He looked disappointed but I couldn’t find it in me to care.

“No probs. Give me a shout if you want me to bring you up anything to eat, yeah?”

“Sure.”

I was grateful when he left. When I could be alone again to think over every word Caspien had said yesterday, paying particular attention to the ones that hurt the most. Then I thought about what I’d said. The ache that came from remembering how I’d pleaded, how I’d begged him, was strangely satisfying. I deserved the shame and the embarrassment. I was so fucking stupid. So blind. So guileless.

Nausea haunted me all day. Around 4 p.m., my room started to stink, and so I got out of bed and told Luke and Beth I was going for a walk to clear my head.

They shot concerned glances at me from where they were on the couch, but otherwise said nothing.

There were no strange cars parked in the courtyard, only Gideon’s Jaguar. Had they left before he returned? The kitchen was dark and cold too. No sight or sound of Elspeth bustling around.

Gideon was in the red sitting room. He stood by the large window gazing out over the estate, a glass of red wine in one hand and a few sheets of paper in the other. A letter, I could see. I watched him drink for a moment before announcing myself.

“Did you know?” I asked. My voice was rough from the crying and lack of use. “About him and Blackwell, did you know?”

He turned around slowly, his gaze tracking over me hungrily. I knew how I must appear to him. I hadn’t showered. I’d left the house in what I’d gone to sleep in. I hadn’t eaten in over twenty-four hours. I had managed a glass of water in the bathroom as I brushed my teeth.

Still, he didn’t look surprised or even concerned.

“Jude, come in. Do you want something to drink?”

“Did you know?”

“Not until this.” He held up the letter. “He’s been quite clever about it. About everything, really. They both have.” He took a sip of his wine.