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Whatever this dream was, it felt so real. I touched my lips and frowned. What was happening? I could still feel his lips on mine even after I woke up.
It felt so genuine.
‘Whoever is dreaming this will make it come true.’ I dreamt it and I could never make it come true. It was a dream with no future, a futile dream.
I got off the bed with a sore body and winced. I was going to kill Jayden, how dare he bring five orgasms out of me in one night? I looked beside me, but he wasn’t there. Did he leave? I mean I told him to, but did he really?
Stupid boy.
Why did I care anyway? I wanted him out of my life. I was going to kill him; for last night, for leaving, and for everything. I just wanted to get rid of him so I would stop thinking about him. He was nothing to me.
I opened my drawer and brought out a cigarette from its packet, with a Zippo lighter. I was starting to run out of cigarettes and needed to restock soon. After lighting it, I threw the lighter back into the drawer and stood up to go into the kitchen, securing a blanket around my body.
It was my first time without Kendal and Ariana since we moved into the house and I was already feeling their absence. I heard movement and paused. Who was in there, Jayden? A part of me hoped it was him, while another part –the bigger part– hoped it was nothing.
The former won because when I got to the kitchen, I saw him cooking and rustling around the cupboards to find God knows what. He picked up a spoon that fell from his hand as he whispered a ‘fuck.’ Before I could stop myself, a smile spread out on my face. And when I felt it, I cleared my throat to stop it which got his attention.
He smiled at me and I almost folded, remembering the surreal dream I just had. I was ashamed of myself for feeling this way around him, but I couldn’t help myself, which was so pathetic. Who still crushed on their first love after ten years?
“Good morning, Flower.” I paused. Why did this feel so right yet so wrong? Why did I feel like this was how things were meant to be if nothing had happened? I didn’t know anything about relationships, but was this how it was? The boy in the kitchen and the girl admiring him like I was doing?
“Smoking, especially early in the morning can be very bad for your health,” he advised and I stared at him with a bored look.
“Because you don’t smoke?”
“I don’t, I love my lungs.” I gaped in shock and a tiny little bit of pride. I was surprised,yetproud that he didn’t turn dark like me.
Who was this man, an angel? Suddenly I felt dirty and self conscious standing in front of him. He shouldn’t be here, he should leave my life before I stained him.
“What are you doing?” It came out stern and hard, I inwardly sighed. I guessed I didn’t know how to be nice.
“I’m trying to cook something. I wonder how I missed this.” He absentmindedly spoke to whatever he was preparing.
He was only in his brief, so I decided to admire him a bit.
His face was perfect, he had always been perfect. And his hair, I just wanted to run my hands through it, like I did last night. I almost clenched my thighs together as I recalled all that happened last night. We were rough with it, and we poured all our feelings into it.
His love and care, my hatred and anger.
While I looked dark, he was so bright and free. Unlike me, he was forgiving. He smiled and laughed a lot, while I just had a poker face on me all the time.
I caught sight of his tattoos. I now knew what the Medusa tattoo meant to him. ‘I was raped too if anything,’ I remembered what he said last night before he had his attack. I knew he was right, but I would never admit that to him.
He had panic attacks, did this mean that he also got nightmares of those nights? Last night he admitted to having a fucked up sleep schedule, so I guessed he did.
I saw a tattoo on his waistline, just right on the V of his waist. It was a drawing of a flower and a sentence that followed it. I could only see a little as his briefs covered the rest of it.
I had a feeling that it was related to me, so before I could stop myself, I moved closer to him and pulled the briefs below his waist. He flinched a little, but my focus was to read the sentence.
It’ll always be you, I swear. If I read it together with the flower drawn, then it would be ‘Flower, It’ll always be you, I swear.’
I ran my thumb on the tattoo and almost cried. For the first time in my life, I wished I could run away from everything so I could be with him, but I was too deep in to stop.
I looked up at him to see he was already staring at me, his eyes filled with so much love and warmth. He smiled at me and my lips quivered.
I still liked him, I still did.
“Is Avocado toast still your favorite toast?”