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“No, it was my fault. If I didn’t like her, none of this would have happened. No, if I didn’t get detention at school, then she would have been saved from dad and from us, and…”
“Jayden, no. You can’t do this now. You have to be strong for her. Now that her dad is coming to take her, we need to hack a plan for him to successfully take her and leave. Not this, okay?” He commanded and I nodded.
“Good. The plan is to lace sedatives into everyone’s food, so they can all sleep. After we get Jordan and Mrs Vincenzo out, we will eat the same food as well so we can sleep.” I nodded again.
“Okay, that seems like a good plan,” I muttered tiredly, but he shook his head.
“It won’t be easy. Firstly, remember there are cameras we need to dodge. Secondly, we are putting the cook in danger. She is definitely going to die and her death is on us. Can you live with that?” He asked, and I straightened my shoulders, feeling brave all of a sudden.
“If Flower will be okay.”
(back to)EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD
The door opened and my grandma peeped in, smiling brightly. After I checked all the photobooks of my mother, I realized that she was just a replica of my grandmother.
With big brown eyes that I inherited and blonde hair that Troy and Raphael had, she was absolutely beautiful.
I used to wonder if what happened would have happened if my mother was alive. But I already knew the answer, it would have never happened. I was sure she would have loved Jordan like her daughter, the way her mother loved me like her son.
God, our moms would have gotten along so well.
My grandma loved Jordan a lot. Whenever I came to visit her, Jordan would make sure to come with me. She thought of Jordan as her granddaughter and I thought several times of how happy she would be when I grew up and told her Jordan was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
“Who’s the birthday boy?” She happily asked, waiting for me to say ‘I am,’ but her face fell when she saw the tears in my eyes. She rushed in and sat beside me on the bed. “My boy? What’s wrong?”
I didn’t tell her what happened with Jordan and my family. I only told her Jordan and her family relocated. How could I? How could I tell her that my family and I raped the girl that I loved? How could I tell her that I was part of those who had ruined the life of the only girl I saw a future with?
I just couldn’t traumatize her like that. I also didn’t know what she would think of me; a weakling, a coward and a sissy who let people hurt his girl. I should have protected Jordan, but I didn’t, so I deserved to sit and let the silence kill me. It was all my fault. Everything that happened to her was all my fault.
She looked down at the photo book with me and sighed. “Are you thinking of Jordan again, honey?” I shook my head and she hit me gently. “Don’t lie to me my boy, I know you are thinking about her. I don’t know why they would relocate, and why you told me not to tell your dad that you know they relocated, but there’s just one thing I don’t understand. Why would you have panic attacks because she relocated? Is it that bad?”
My body tensed and I refused to look at her. “I like her grandma, I like her.”
“I know, you told me but… panic attacks, nightmares and insomnia are not adding up to the situation. I love Jordan like my granddaughter and I’m also sad she left without a word to anybody, but I don’t think she will be happy with the man you have become when you meet again.” I lifted my head to look at her. I didn’t know what she saw in my eyes, but she shook her head with a sigh. “Of course you will meet again, it’s not like she died.”
“Listen to me, I know that there is more to this that you are not telling me, and telling me not to tell your father about your therapies further proves that. But I’m here for you, okay? Tell me at your own pace, just don’t do this.”
“It’s your birthday today, you should be happy. Who knows, she might be somewhere lighting candles on the cake she made and blowing it to make a wish for you.” She chuckled. “You know she’s that type of person.”
I stared forward at nothing as I thought of what grandma said. ‘She might be somewhere now, lighting up candles on the cake she made for you and blowing it to make a wish.’
Yes, she was that type of person, but she would never do that for me anymore. She hated me now. I would not be sad if she didn’t even remember my birthday.
I just wanted to see her again, and tell her that I still think about her everyday and every night. Tell her I still want her, I’ve always wanted her. Tell her that I still care, I’ve always cared. I just wanted to apologize to her for being weak, apologize to her for not saving her when she needed it, apologize for sleeping with her against her will.
I remembered the first time we were taught sexual assault in class. When the teacher had said sexual assault was the act of having sexual intercourse with someone against their will, usually by force. I remembered everything that happened those nights and my hands started shaking before I could stop them from doing so.
I puked in class, and the teacher and my classmates stared at me as if I had gone insane. But hadn’t I? How would I explain to them that I had raped someone against my will? And how would I explain to them that this person was my best friend, my crush and my first love?
First love? There could only be a first if there was a second, which meant that she was my only love, and no one else could share my heart with her.
PRESENT
Thedoorbell rang at the same time John picked up the call. I threw my washcloth around my neck and made way to open the door.
I checked the doorbell peephole and saw that it was the pizza delivery guy. I opened the door and he bowed, immediately pointing the pizza box at me. He had no emotion on his face and you might as well think he came to request for the money I owe him.
“What is it?” John bit and I frowned at the phone.