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You can’t even stab me and you call yourself an assassin.
He was right. How could I call myself an assassin when I couldn’t kill him? I should be shamefaced for having feelings toward the male gender despite everything they made me go through.
I learned to shut my feelings for years, only for Jayden to come back and make me realize that he never left my heart, only for him to show his face and make me fold all over again.
It was disgusting that I still had any feelings for him. He was a man, I should hate men. I should despise them for everything they did to me. Every single one made me go through shit. From my own father —who might not be my father— to the therapists who were supposed to help with my trauma, but ended up giving me one instead.
I didn’t want to love him. I thought I hated him, I swear I thought I did, but it turned out that I was just mad at him. I knew I didn’t have anything against him, but I wanted him to offend me, I wanted him to give me a reason to kill him. I wanted him to make it easier for me to kill him, but he wasn’t doing anything wrong.
JORDAN KAMARI VINCENZO
I didn’t know he remembered my middle name, I told him only once. I didn’t even tell him, he came across it himself and we never talked about it since.
TEN YEARS OLD
I came running down the stairs after mommy called me, and I frowned when she wasn’t in the sitting room. “Mommy, where are you?” I called out to her.
“In the kitchen, honey.” The smile returned to my face as I skipped to her. She was busy, with my Aunty and our maid —who only came when she was called. She was here, which meant mommy called her, which meant there was work.
The day after was Thanksgiving and they were making meals because we were expecting visitors —family and friends. Oh and it was Jay’s birthday in two days, mommy would bake him a bigger cake than before because he was becoming a teenager.
I thought he was turning thirteen, but apparently, ‘he was becoming a teenager.’ He had been bragging about it since the beginning of October.
I was happy it was thanksgiving, because one; I loved eating Turkey, but mom rarely cooked it, except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And two; everyone would be too busy and no one would have time to watch Jay and I, and tell us ‘don’t play like that, it’s dangerous.’
“Where were you?” Mommy asked as I stared at the fried turkey in the tray.
“I was in the game room with Toni,” I answered, still staring at the turkey. Toni was my older cousin, she came early with her mother —my mommy’s sister.
“Wash your hands before taking one.” I beamed at her as she said that. I never said I wanted one… out loud. I walked to the wash basin to wash my hands. “Oh and Jayden is around,” she added and I widened my eyes, removing my hand from the washbasin.
“Where?”
“Didn’t you see him in the sitting room?” I shook my head. “I wonder where he is, maybe he’s in the backyard with the boys,” she suggested and I nodded my head, bolting out of the kitchen as I heard her shouting behind me.
“What about your turkey?”
Oh leave the turkey, mommy, my best friend is here.
I got to the back to see the fathers sitting on the table beside the pool, while the kids played games across them. I whistled and some of them turned to me. I watched a big grin spread across Jay’s face before he ran to me. I waved at the other children, some of them waved back and continued their businesses.
“Hi, where were you?”
“I was in the game room with Toni.”
“Who is Toni?”
“My cousin.” He bobbed his head at my reply.
“Let’s go to my room, I have something to show you.” I said and held out my hand. He took it, and we ran to my room.
When we got to my room, a laminated piece of paper laid on my bed and as he sat down, he noticed the paper and took it.
“This is your birth certificate.'' He waved the paper at me and I nodded. We were asked to bring it to school, so mommy brought it for me from wherever she kept it.
“Jordan Kamari Vincenzo? Your middle name is Kamari?” I nodded.
It was my South African name that mommy gave me. She said it meant bright moon because I came into her life to stop her from going astray, just like the way a bright moon appears to lead travelers through a dark night.