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It occurred to me that, unlike Adam, Alfie hadn’t laid out the things he’d done for me and expected anything in return. He’d done them quietly. Breakfast had been waiting for me every morning when I woke up. Any toiletries I might need hadappeared in the bathroom as if by magic. He’d sent Elliot to get me new shoes to replace the ones I’d destroyed. He cared and he didn’t expect me to care in return, or even be grateful. It was heartbreaking.
I looked up at my sister, meeting her deep brown eyes. “I think I made a mistake.”
She covered my hand with hers. “So go and fix it.” Before I could change my mind, I was up and heading for the door, much to Ryan’s dismay who was shouting about his novel. Natalie would cover for me. First I had to see Alfie. I didn’t know what I was going to say, I just hoped the words would come when I saw him. I just wanted him in front of me. My body felt starved of him as I sped to The Carlton.
I made it there in record time and screeched to a halt outside. I ignored the valet and barged through the glass doors, shouting an apology to the doorman.
“Excuse me, Miss?” the receptionist called out, her heels clattered behind me and I spun to face her, panting and flushed. Her meek bob suited her owl glasses perfectly.
“I’m here to see Alfie Tell, he’s in the presidential suite,” I told her, my words tumbling out in a rush. I didn’t actually know how to get up there without the code and damn, I’d forgotten to bring my phone with me to call him.
“Yes, I know who you are, but I’m afraid Mr Tell isn’t here.” She shifted from one foot to the other and it was then that I realised we’d drawn the attention of a lobby full of guests and staff.
“Okay, well I’ll wait for him then.”
She twisted her hands in front of her, looking uncomfortable. My heart started to beat a little harder. “No, I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood me. Mr Tell checked out this morning.”Mr Tell checked out this morning.My stomach constricted so painfully I almost gasped.
“What? No, there has to be a mistake.” I knew it wasn’t a mistake. I could feel it in the air. He was gone.
“I’m sorry.” She peeked at me through her goggle glasses. Every pair of eyes in the room was on me, waiting to see if I would make a scene. Instead, I plastered a polite smile on my face and thanked the receptionist for her help. I walked out of there as calmly as I could.
I got in my van and drove home in a daze. He was gone. He was really gone. He’d said he would give me time. I guess I hadn’t been worth waiting for.
I walked up the garden path to my front door, the familiar pain of loss looming overhead like an oncoming storm. I’d been here before, so many times.
Alfie...
Everywhere I looked in my home I saw remnants of old losses. My gran’s framed cross-stitch on the wall, a picture of me and my mum on the small table by the stairs. I sank to the floor. I’d known I would lose him, I’d known this would come. I was an idiot for opening the door to it.
Water began to rush in my ears, just like it had when I was younger, bringing with it all the pain of loss. And panic. The panic of drowning. I squeezed my eyes shut, pushing it down, keeping my head above the rising water filling the car that only existed in my memories now.
“Is Auntie Lo okay?” I heard Ryan whisper in the living room, and Natalie whispering back that I was fine. I wiped my eyes and forced myself to stand up.
I found them in the living room, sitting on the sofa side by side like relatives in a hospital waiting room.
“Where’s that novel of yours, Ryan?”
His face lit up and he ran off to fetch it, returning a moment later with a haphazard pile of card and paper. His novelconsisted of a title page and a picture of a giraffe that could be mistaken for a dinosaur.
Natalie was watching me with that knowing look that only mothers, sisters, and best friends seemed to have. “Lola?—”
“I’m fine,” I cut her off and sat down to help Ryan.
I will not break. I will not break.
Twenty-Seven
Ididn’t break. I was too numb to break.
He’d left and I was an idiot because I’d known he would. I just didn’t know it was going to hurt this much. I felt the losses of my father, mother and grandmother all over again. Each of those wounds ripped open by the loss of Alfie Tell.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I switched between feeling like someone had punched a hole through my chest and being furious that I’d been stupid enough to let him in.
I wanted him back, but he’d left me and it was my fault, because I wasn’t enough to wait for. Why had I asked him for a break? What damage had he really done by tracking me? By hacking my records? By taking me from Keira’s? If I was given the choice now, I wondered if I’d put up with it quietly, knowing how much it would hurt without him.
I thought about calling him a hundred times but I refused to lower myself to chasing after him. Alfie Tell always went after what he wanted. If he wanted me, he would be here.
Bradley had taken to having lunch with me in the boutique garden at Rosie’s every day. We occupied the bench, enjoying the sounds of the water-lily fountain as we talked. At first, being with him made me feel guilty, but as the days passed, I beganto look forward to his steady presence. His warm brown eyes calmed me, and the sunlight bouncing from his dirty blond curls brightened my world for a while. He made me laugh with his useless film knowledge, his determination to learn to cook even though he was terrible at it. He loved my stories about Ryan’s antics and testing me on the Latin names for plants quickly became his favourite game. Bradley soon became the only light part of my day. He was such a stark contrast to the man that had left me.