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“Alfie—”
“I have a theory about him, you know,” he cut me off. “Aboutyouand him.”
“There is no me and him,” I argued.
“But there was, in your head. I’m sure you’ve played it out and pictured yourself with him, contrasted and compared us, made a mental list of our pros and cons. Tell me you haven’t.” Icouldn’t and he gave me a smug grin. “My theory is that Bradley represents your old life.”
“My old life?”
“Yes. Youroldlife. The life that you do not have anymore and will never have again.” He paused, letting the gravity of those words sink in. “Your attraction to him isn’t based on passion, it’s based on fear. He represents a world of safe predictability and that kiss was simply you running scared.” I stood frozen, unable to fight him as he crawled inside my head. “Am I right?” I opened my mouth to answer but I couldn’t find any words. “Of course I am. Don’t scowl at me because I speak truths that you can’t admit even to yourself.” I closed my eyes for a moment, praying that he would end this relentless dissection of me, but of course he didn’t.
“Your insistence on putting off this decision about leaving with me is merely your insistence on clinging to a safety that you will inevitably lose. A safety that I am not even sure you truly want. Do you want to be safe, Lola?” The muscle in his jaw flexed, causing his cheeks to hollow, highlighting those impossibly high cheekbones. I felt dizzy, drunk on him.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.” He took a step towards me. “Stop thinking about what you should or shouldn’t do, what others will think of you. You have free agency, use it.” He took another step towards me and another until he stood directly in front of me. “Do you want to be safe?” He stared down at me, the glint in his eye showing how much he was enjoying taking me apart, and I allowed it, knowing that when he was done he would put me back together in a shape that better suited him. He did it so easily now.
“Do not let fear make this decision for you.” He stepped around me and I turned with him until our positions switched and he walked me backwards until the railing of the balconyhit my lower back. He gripped the railing on either side of me, not touching me and yet I felt his presence everywhere. “Answer me.”
“No,” I panted. “I don’t want to be safe. You hold me on the edge of insanity and I can’t get enough of it.”
His hands crept up over me, his finger-tips resting lightly on my neck. His eyes held mine for just a second before he circled my throat, gripping me firmly. “The edge of insanity,” he whispered, repeating my words. “My favourite place on earth. I haven’t been here in such a long time.” He lifted me a little, pulling me up onto my toes. I gripped his forearms, completely hooked on him. I wanted his forgiveness, I wanted to be back in his world, so I gave myself up to him.
“Why did you have to do it?” he murmured.
I wasn’t afraid, I wasexhilarated, even when he began to push me backwards until I leant over the railing. If he let me go…A sane person would have gripped the railing, but I held onto him, only him.
“I was just scared.” It was the truest thing I could have said. Everywhere I turned were possibilities that frightened me and the only possibility that frightened me more than Alfie Tell was the possibility of not having him. I was still dangling by his strength, but with his hips between my legs, I relished in the feel of his warm body close to mine after hours of distance.
He pushed me further out into the open, and my hair caught in the breeze. I could hear traffic, and the blood rushing in my ears. He pulled me to him by my throat and hovered his mouth over mine. I held my breath, every atom in my body begging for his mouth.
“Please, Alfie. Forgive me.” He studied my lips, the place where Bradley had touched me. I watched the cogs turning in his mind as he calculated and recalculated and, as always, held mein suspense while I waited for his judgement. What was he going to do? His face shut down and my heart plummeted.
No. No. No.
“I can’t.” His voice was ghostly calm. My fingers clawed at the material of his suit as he lowered me back to my feet. This couldn’t be happening. I wasn’t losing him, not over one stupid kiss.
“You can. You can, Alfie. Please.” He released me, shutting me out and pulling away. My chest split open as he turned from me.Is he really giving up on me?
“You can’t do this, Alfie!” I yelled, panicked.
“I can do anything I like,” he called over his shoulder as he abandoned me on the balcony. I followed him inside. I grasped at his hand but he pulled away. Moments ago he’d burned bright, consuming us both. Now he was shutting me out, freezing me to death. Why? What was the game? Why did I never know what fucking game we were playing?
“I’m going to bed, O’Connell.” His calmness frightened me.
“And what am I supposed to do?” My lower lip trembled and I bit down hard to keep it still.
“Whatever you want. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Freedom from my orders? If you want to stay, then stay. There are plenty of rooms for you to sleep in. If you want to leave, have reception call an Uber and add it to my bill.”
It hurt. Everything hurt. His words, his tone, his cold, cruel eyes. Was this vengeance or something else? Was he still working me or was he finally done?
“You want to live on the sidelines? Fine, but don’t expect me to live on them with you.” I watched him walk away, my chest aching.
“Alfie,” I breathed, my voice coming out in a half-sob, “haven’t you ever felt split down the middle, unable to decide what you should do?”
He turned at the foot of the stairs, taking me in once more. “No. I go at the world and I go at it hard. I decide what I can’t live without and I make a decision based on that. You disregard my patience, you take my devotion to you for granted, and you disrespect the courage it took for me to make an emotional investment in you.” He stopped short, snapping his lips together like a bear trap. His icy exterior faltered for just a second, allowing me to see the pain he was doing his best to keep hidden. “I won’t wait on you any more.” He turned and mounted the stairs, his shoes snapping smartly on the tile. I watched him go, my heart hammering in my chest.
I decide what I can’t live without and I make a decision based on that.