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“He wouldn’t do that to me, Keira,” I insisted and her gaze softened again, her eyes tinged with sadness.
“Yeah, Lo, I think he would.” She was pitying me and I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand her. “Money doesn’t exist in a vacuum. People that have a lot of it have had to be ruthless to get it and keep it and men like that are used to getting what they want. They throw amusing tantrums as kids when they aren’t allowed their favourite toy, and then they grow up into big, strong men and their tantrums become a lot less funny. You’re his favourite toy, Lo. I don’t think there’s much he wouldn’t do to keep you. Knocking you up without your consent? Yeah, I think he could do that.”
“You’re wrong.” I poured as much venom into my voice as I could and turned away from her.
“You’re being a fucking idiot, Lo,” she called after me but I didn’t turn around.
“You’re wrong,” I whispered under my breath. I stumbled slightly as I got into my van but I didn’t stop. I needed to get away from her. I couldn’t listen to her talk anymore. I turned the key in the ignition and the engine grumbled into life. I avoided her gaze as she watched me drive away. She was wrong. She was. She had to be.
Sixty-Six
Idrove for about thirty seconds before my foot hit the brakes and I screeched to a stop, unable to move, my muscles seizing up as panic coursed through me.
I was drunk.
I was drivingdrunk.
I squeezed my eyes shut as memories flooded me. The water rising around my ankles. The pounding of my mum’s sandal-clad feet against the windshield as she tried in vain to kick it open. The dank smell of canal water. My mum’s final kiss on my cheek before she pushed me out of the window. The blare of a car horn…wait,what?
I opened my eyes and saw in my wing mirror an irate Mercedes behind me. The driver—a small, balding man—pulled around, yelled an expletive at me for blocking the road, and sped off.
Get a hold of yourself, Lola.
I took a deep, calming breath the way Keira and I had breathed a thousand times. When I first went back to school after the accident,thiswould happen and I would run out of class, my head spinning and my classmates’ snickers following me. My world would close in and I would crumple in the hallway,consumed by the sound of rushing water. Then Keira’s hand would be in mine and she’d sit on the floor with me, her forehead touching my own, breathing with me until I could see straight again. But she hadn’t followed me this time. I was thirty seconds from her house, still on her damned street, and yet she’d never felt so far away.
I needed to get out of the road. My hands trembled as I eased off the hand break. My head was fuzzy from the wine and I could feel now how delayed my responses were, how clumsy my movements. Was this how that driver had felt before he’d hit our car? The thought sickened me.
At a snail’s pace I pulled over, sighing with relief as I switched the engine off. I would just wait here until I was sober again. I closed my eyes and waited.
I waited for three hours which was much longer than I needed to, but I wasn’t taking any chances. With a clear head I started my old van up again and headed home, driving like an old lady the whole way. By the time I got home it was close to midnight and my sleepy house was shut up tight. I was grateful that there were so few houses on the street and no one could see what a mess I was in.
Keirawaswrong. I was certain of it. Why couldn’t she just be happy for me? I was so angry I didn’t know whether to scream or cry. I’d hated hearing her talk about Alfie that way. More than that, I hated her for opening the floodgates of doubt into my head. I groaned and slumped onto the steering wheel. I was exhausted and I wondered if this day was ever going to end.
My phone buzzed and I pulled it out, expecting a text from Keira. She wouldn’t apologise, Keira wasn’t good at that. She’d just say she loved me which would let me know we were okay. I shouldn’t have been surprised that it was from Alfie.
I thought you were staying at Keira’s?
A.
I sighed. The GPS stalking had infuriated me when I’d first found out about it. Now, I’d just accepted it as part of the Alfie package.
We had a fight so I came home.I assumed that he hadn’t texted me earlier because I’d been parked so close to her house that it must have seemed as though I was still there and not sitting in my van alone trying not to cry.
I’m coming over.
A.
I wanted him, of course I did, but right now I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about this crappy day.
It’s late and Ryan’s asleep. Please don’t,I sent, hoping that for once he wouldn’t push it.
Come to me.
A.
I wanted to. I imagined crawling into those soft sheets beside him, his strong arms protecting me. Keira’s words played over in my head and I shook them away, refusing to accept that they were the reason I wasn’t running to his bed.
I’m exhausted, Alfie. I’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you for sending some heavy-lifters to move the furniture. Night. xI put my phone away.