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When I was freaking out I always called Keira. Muscle memory kicked in and before I knew it my phone was in my hand. I stared at her name on the screen, my thumb hovering over the green button. I couldn’t call her. I knew what she’d say. She’d spout more lies about Alfie. I would just have to prove her wrong. She’d told me to test him, to put my pills somewhere and see if they went missing, so that’s what I’d do. I’d casually mention where they were and then I’d wait. If they disappeared again, I’d know it was him.
We arrived at my house and I couldn’t help the sweat that broke over me at the sight of my van. Memories of Adam’s body pressing up against me, holding me to the cold, unforgiving metal washed over me. I took a deep breath and straightened. I would not allow him to define me.
I spotted my sister stepping through the garden gate and I got out to greet her, but I was bombarded by an eight year old before I could say a word.
“Auntie Lo! I’m a fairy, look!” Ryan was indeed dressed up as a fairy, complete with green wings. He twirled, his skirt flying out around him.
“You look great, Tinkerbell.” I ruffled his hair, trying not to dislodge his tiara. “Where are you off to?” I looked up at Natalie, who was trying desperately to wrangle him into her car. He was dancing around her, occasionally whacking her on the leg with his wand.
“Birthday party. Pray for me.” She reached for Ryan again, managing to grab him around the middle. He squealed in delight as she dumped him in the back of her Cleo.
“I will.”
“Ta. So, is Thursday good for you?” She panted as she forced a seatbelt over her writhing fairy child. She breathed a sigh as the belt clicked into place and she straightened, flustered but triumphant.
“For what?”
“Your birthday.”My birthday.I’d completely forgotten. I was turning twenty four on Saturday. “I know you’re spending Friday with Keira and I figured you’d be spending the big day with Alfie so I thought you could squeeze us in on Thursday? We aren’t doing anything fancy, just take out and presents, maybe some cake.”Keira.It had only been one day but already I felt like someone had taken an axe and hacked away a vital part of me.
I forced a smile on my face. “Take out and presents sounds perfect.” I glanced down at the green fairy in the car. “What do you think, Ryan? You down for some birthday cake?”
“Only if there aren’t bugs in it,” he said, his little face gravely serious.
“Why would there be…never mind. I don’t want to know.”
I don’t know why I expected the house to have fallen apart without me, but when I stepped inside it was plain to see that Natalie and Ryan had been functioning just fine without my help. The kitchen was a mess, but Ryan’s lunch for tomorrow had been made, his uniform was drying on the line, and the newest chapter of Geoffrey the Giraffe was laid out on the dining table. They were going to be okay without me.
My bedroom felt more alien every time I stepped in it. After weeks in Alfie’s suite, my tired furniture was embarrassing and my floral bedspread was juvenile. When did this happen? When did I become a stranger in my own world? Young people weresupposed to step out of their homes into a shiny new future, but the problem was, I wasn’t at home in the world I was stepping into. Alfie’s world wasn’t mine and I didn’t want to be there, I just wanted Alfie. I felt stuck, lost in a limbo between two places. I sighed. Maybe I needed to give Alfie’s world a chance. I needed to try.
I grabbed a tote bag and put a couple of tennis dresses in there along with some underwear. Then, I took a sheet from my pill packet and stashed it in my underwear drawer in plain sight. There was no way I could lose it.
I spied my red dress laying on the floor where I’d left it last week. Guilt burned inside, reminding me that Alfie was waiting and I needed to hurry. He’d told me to get rid of the dress but looking down at the offensive garment I found I couldn’t bear to touch it. So, like a coward, I grabbed my bag and left.
I tapped my foot as we passed through the black gates onto the Harrington Estate. I was restless. Alfie was waiting for me and I was eager to get to him. I couldn’t keep still. Every cell in my body craved his touch, pushing me to get to him as quickly as possible.
We passed the half-finished emperor fountain and finally, Harrington House came into view. Mike brought the car to a stop and raised his eyebrows as I jumped out of the car, not waiting for him to open my door. I headed straight for the main entrance, the twin columns and imposing doors as intimidating as ever.
“Lo!” I turned on the top step and found Riley heading straight for me.
“Riley!” My heart leapt as he pulled me in for a one-armed hug. Riley was maybe the only uncomplicated person left in my life.
“I’m glad you’re here, I’ve gotta show you something.” He grinned, his eyes alight with excitement.
“Sir, I’ve been instructed to take her straight to Mr Tell.” Mike stepped in but Riley just waved him off.
“I’ll take full responsibility, don’t worry.”
Mike looked mildly relieved at that but I wasn’t. Any time I’d deviated from Alfie’s instructions had always ended in disaster. Visions passed through my mind of him scalding himself in the shower, of me on my knees as he pulled my hair and forced me to tell him about Bradley. I didn’t want to cause another fight.
“I really should just go straight to Alfie.”
“Don’t worry about him, love. He’s dick-deep in work right now anyway. Besides, don’t you want to see what I’ve got to show you?” I did. I did want to see. The choice was taken out of my hands as Riley tucked my hand in the crook of his elbow and led me around the side of the building.
Disobeying Alfie wasn’t sitting well with me but the fight that we would have about it was already sinking to the back of my head as my curiosity took over.
“Welcome to my office!” He gestured at the back patio, where a small table was covered with designs held down against the breeze by rocks. Designs that looked very familiar…
“Are these mine?” I stared open-mouthed at the Evergarden I’d designed for Alfie—the flower wheels, the honeysuckle pathway…