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I saw Bradley as we turned out of the car park. His gentle eyes found mine but before I could muster a smile, he turned away and moved on.
‘Just because salt looks like sugar doesn’t mean it isn’t salt.’
He’d warned me. He’d fucking warned me. Shame burned me as I remembered every time I’d defended Alfie.
Just slow down, Lola. You have to be sure.
I squeezed my arms around myself, willing my torso not to split down the middle. Maybe it was an accident…maybe…maybe a thousand things I couldn’t think about right now.
My nephew jumped into my arms when I got home and I kissed him quickly before running upstairs. They had to be there. They had to be.
I yanked open my underwear drawer and my heart dropped into my stomach. I hadn’t noticed them missing this morning. How had I not noticed? I searched frantically but nothing, they weren’t here. He’d been in my room—that man,Mike, when he moved Keira’s things.
I sank to the floor, fighting to keep my breathing steady. I whimpered as the pain of betrayal threatened to engulf me.
Alfie…
Numb, I pushed to my feet and let them guide me to the place I always went when I felt like I was drowning.
My Memory Garden lay serene, unaffected by this new devastation wrought on my life. Shame burned bright, covering me in a thin sheen of sweat. I had allowed this to happen. Just like with Adam, I had ignored every single warning sign and now…
“Mum…” I leaned against the wedding cake tree and pressed my hand to the patch of earth that covered her ashes. I needed her. My other hand clasped around my necklace, holding on for dear life. “What do I do?”
I couldn’t breathe without him. His grey eyes haunted me, piercing my mind and willing me back to him, refusing to let me let go of him. But how did I forgive him for this? Why would he do it? It didn’t make any sense…except of course it did.
‘We aren’t tied together yet. We aren’t married, we don’t have children.’
I’d said that to him the night he burned himself.
Oh God. I’d done this. I’d planted this idea in his head. How could I be so stupid? I placed a hand over my stomach, over the baby that might already be in there.
‘The only way out of this is in a body bag.’
A shiver ran up my spine as I wondered how serious that promise had been. Mike was waiting outside my house, no doubt texting Alfie right now. Telling him where I was, that I was acting out of character. Alfie could show up any moment. He would pull the truth out of me and mould it into an entirely new shape. He would put his hands on me and if I let him touch me, he would make me say whatever he wanted. He would bend my mind and I would let him.
Alfie…
I wanted to turn back time and go back to before I discovered this awful thing that the ghost of me had known all along.
I could feel myself splintering, fraying at the edges.
Breathe, Lola. Breathe.
The voice wasn’t mine. It wasn’t my mum’s either. Or my gran’s. It took me a moment to place it and when I did, the face that swam in front of me didn’t have blue eyes, or grey, but a deep, warm brown. And I suddenly remembered, this garden wasn’t the only place where I was safe.
When I was fifteen, I discovered a loose slat in the fence that separated my garden from my neighbour’s. If I jimmied it open and shimmied in just the right way, I could squeeze through and across the neighbour’s garden, hopefully avoiding their Jack Russell. Then, if I could hop over their fence (using their water feature as a standing board) I could land in a no-through road that would take me up to the main road which ran along the other side of my house. Of course, I was 15 pounds lighter when I was fifteen so shimmying through a fence was a lot easier back then, but I managed it anyway.
I met the taxi I’d called on the main road and jumped in, keeping a furtive eye out for Mike. I texted Natalie on the way, letting her know where I had gone. I knew Alfie would be able to track my phone but I didn’t want to leave it behind in case my taxi didn’t show and I had to call another. Hopefully, I would have come up with an excuse by the time he realised I was on the move without Mike.
The early evening sky cast a burnt orange hue across my world and I found myself wishing it was night time. It felt wrong to deal with dark things during the day.
Alfie…
I gripped my necklace for strength and about jumped out of my skin when my phone chirped.
You know that tracker in your phone still works, right? Where are you going and why are you trying to give Mike the slip?
A.