Page 129 of Never Tell Lies

Forty-Four

“Me?” I squeaked. He wanted to talk about me?

“Yes. You are my favourite subject after all, the one I enjoy studying the most. I’m going to get a fucking master’s in you. A degree in Lola O’Connell, or maybe I’ll be the MasterofLola O’Connell. How does that sound?”

Visions of Alfie standing before me as I knelt in submission flashed through my mind. A flush bloomed over my skin and he noticed the pulse in my throat as I swallowed. He gave me a knowing smile.

“That’s what I thought. But you want to talk about serious things tonight. You want to talk about communication, control, and lies. So let’s talk, let’s talk aboutyou.” He paused, scanning me once more. “I’m not the only one who omits truths or tells lies.”

“I don’t?—”

“For example,” he continued, “the reason you don’t like to be carried isn’t because it’sunnecessary,it’s because you’re scared of letting anyone else take care of you in case you lose them. Your father left, your mother and grandmother died. Then you met Adam, a man who harassed you, stalked you…he frightened you, didn’t he?”

I couldn’t pretend that I hadn’t felt a cold shiver run up my spine every time I found a new note on my car, or a new present on my doorstep. I couldn’t lie, but I couldn’t admit it either, so I said nothing.

“Do you really think that I’m the only one bringing issues to the table? That I’m the only one with a wall up?” He arched his scarred brow at me, pausing to see if I had anything to say, but all I could do was stare at him and marvel that he had read me so well.

“You didn’t want to introduce me to your sister and nephew, you haven’t told your colleagues we’re involved, you didn’t want me to come with you tonight to meet your friends. You keep me at arm’s length, claiming it’s about your independence, but that’s bullshit. It’s not about independence, it’s about fear, and that fear is what’s stopping you from leaving with me.”

I sucked in a breath as the full weight of his judgement landed on my chest. My instinct was to argue, to put up a fight and prove him wrong, but he wasn’t wrong. I was terrified of him getting too close and then losing him, and I was terrified of going with him and leaving behind the only family I had left.

“It’s part of what’s stopping me.” The fact that my dream was finally within my grasp was another part, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I’d heard him loud and clear when he’d told me he was ruthless and I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t find a way to take it away from me. If I was going to turn it down to be with him, I needed to decide that on my own terms.

“Are you going to let that fear rule you your whole life? Because I didn’t sign up for a weak woman.”

Weak? That’s what he thinks of me?My fists clenched, curling tightly into the soft folds of the duvet.

“That’s a little hypocritical don’t you think, Mr Tell?” I said through gritted teeth. “Besides, I’m not the only one that keeps the other at arm’s length. At least I talk about my life. I’ve toldyou every part of my history, no matter how painful it is, but you don’t tell me anything.” I was hoping to hit a nerve the same way he’d hit every one of mine, but he waved a dismissive hand, tossing away my words like a crumpled receipt.

“Let’s stay on topic here.”Let’s keep the focus away from you, you mean,I thought bitterly.“You won’t leave with me because you’re scared. Of what exactly? Me?”

I took a deep breath before I answered. I needed to get this right. I had a feeling that he wasn’t going to give me the chance to have this conversation again. “Of what my life would be with you. I don’t want to give up everything for someone who just wants me to be their travel fuck.” My throat felt thick with humiliation. It was embarrassing to admit my deepest insecurities to a man like Alfie.

“You wouldn’t be my travel fuck, Lola.”

“I know. I’d be your lover, your arm candy, your poor plaything and whatever else you’d want me to be. But I wouldn’t have anything of my own. Everything I’d have would be by the grace of you and that’s a very precarious way to live. Anything could happen.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know!” I threw up my hands. “You could die, you could go broke, we could break up.”

Alfie sighed a deep, condescending sigh. “Lola, unless I’m incredibly stupid, I’m never going togo brokeas you so eloquently put it,and we’re not going to break up.” He gave a small shrug as if to say, ‘See? Problem solved.’ But no, problem not solved. Problem not solved at all.

“You don’t know that. Besides, it’s not just that. There’s so much I want to do and I’m just not ready to have my whole life mapped out for me. I want to feel the fear of taking on the world, and if I’m going to have a fortune I want to have built it on myown account. I want you too, Alfie, I just don’t…I don’t know.” I felt confused and very, very small.

Alfie rose, intending to come over, but I eyed him and he sat down again. We weren’t finished yet and I needed to keep myself out of his reach until we were. His eyes blazed into mine as we stared each other down. He looked like a starving man chained to a wall and I was a banquet placed just out of reach.

“This doesn’t need to be complicated. You want me, I want you, this is how we can be together. Stop overthinking it.”

“That’s all very easy for you to say, Alfie. You’re the one with the power.” I gestured at him, at the magnitude of him.

“That’ll never change, Lola, so you might as well make your peace with it.” It was impossible to miss the fact that he was in nothing but briefs and was still owning the room.

Most people relied on material things to prove their power, but not Alfie. It was all him. He could be in rags and still be powerful.

“But I have to have power too, Alfie. I can’t be at your mercy all the time and that’s what you’re asking me to do. It’s alright for you. You’re not the one leaving anything behind, this is all just so easy for you.”

“You think so?” he shot back, the vehemence in his tone surprising me. “You think it’s easy for me to accept and announce someone like you into my life? You haven’t exactly been an easy fit so far and now I’m preparing to expose myself to ridicule on a global scale because I’m dating a woman who doesn’t know the difference between a fish fork and a salad fork.” His words speared me, their barbs vicious and painful. The pool of insecurity that had been building since I met him began to fill up. It spun, faster and faster, into a whirlpool until I felt like I might throw up.