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Seventy-Six
Negative.
The word glared at him and grinned at me. It poisoned his pretty speech with the depth of his betrayal.
I forced myself to keep looking at him. I needed to face his carnal beauty head on. I needed to see it crumble, to see the deception laced into his framework.
His gaze remained on the barren pregnancy test and I watched as his frozen river threatened to crack. I watched him process, recalculate, the cogs turning faster than ever as he tried to work out a way to win this. It was a game I had never won, but I would tonight because it was a game I was done playing. I had to be. That baser part of me was whimpering, furious with both of us for being so stupid that we couldn’t work out something as simple as love. If that was ever what we’d had.
Finally he lifted his gaze to mine, and my heart stammered in my chest. He studied me, his beautiful, broken mind working overtime to figure out how to win this game. I wondered what was going to come. How would he play me? Seduction? Denial? Cruelty? I watched as a look I had never seen before settled over his face, clinging to his features like a layer of cellophane.
“I never stood a chance with you, did I?” The bleak acceptance filling his words was heartbreaking.
My bottom lip trembled, and I bit down on it. Every cell in my body urged me to go to him, to crawl into his lap, to ease the deadness in his face. I couldn’t.Remember what he did to you.
“What is this, Alfie? Another trick?”
“No.” He lifted his head to look at me, but instead of seeing the impenetrable mask I’d expected, all I saw was a rejected little boy. “This is me letting you go.” They were words I’d had nightmares about and now they were here. Despite how necessary they were, they still terrified me. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
“You’ve left me no choice,” I hissed. I tried to pull it back, to keep my fire down and be as cold as him. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t who I was. He froze and I burned. I squeezed my eyes shut. I could feel him watching me. I could feel him everywhere, his gaze burning my skin. I gritted my teeth as a treacherous tear escaped, and I forced myself to meet his eyes as it slid down my cheek. He watched it fall with a twisted fascination, as if tears were a mythical creature, newly discovered. Like I once had been. “Itrustedyou.”
“That was a mistake,” he said, his tone chilling me to the bone. I expected more, I expected other words, but none came.
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” We stared each other down and the longer I looked at his resigned expression the angrier I got. I slammed my hand down on the table. “Snap out of it, Alfie. I deserve an explanation.”
“Trust me, O’Connell, an explanation won’t help.”
“Nothing is going to help. Nothing is going to make this feel better, but I deserve honesty from you, Alfie. I’ve earned that.” I forced myself to project strength. I didn’t dare to trust that this would be as simple as Alfie letting me go. He studied me for thelongest time and I prayed silently that for once he would tell me the truth. He gave a short nod, seeming to make a decision.
“I’ve been having Mike steal your birth control pills.” Hearing it out loud was a punch to the gut. There was a finality to it, as if up until that point the tiniest part of me could pretend that it wasn’t true. The corner of his mouth lifted slightly, a grim grimace at our situation. “Considering the lengths I went to to get you your birth control after the first time we slept together, the irony isn’t lost on me.”
“You wanted me pregnant,” I stated. I understood and yet I didn’t.
“I wanted youmine. Pregnancy would do that. I wanted to see the changes in your body and know that I’d done that. I wanted to see the stretch marks on your skin and know that I’d put them there. I wanted the knowledge that if you ever tried to share your body with someone else, they would see those marks and know that you were already claimed.”
My mind spun, tangled with his twisted words. Alfie’s mind was a dark place, I had always known that, but I had fooled myself into believing it was redeemable. This was my fault too. I’d had sex with him when I knew it wasn’t safe. Alfie may have instigated, but I’d looked the other way and allowed the manipulation to happen. Guilt for our toxicity lay squarely at my door too.
“I trusted you with my body, Alfie.” My voice sounded small but Alfie just gave a slight lift of his shoulders.
“That was your mistake, but it isn’t entirely surprising, is it? You don’t have the best track record when it comes to men.” His tone was like ice but I had to fight not to roll my eyes at him.
“Stop it, Alfie. That won’t work on me anymore.” I picked up my wine glass, remembered it was non-alcoholic, and set it down again with disgust. “You know, you were right about one thing. You are ruthless, but do you know what else you are? You’re acoward. A poor, broken coward. You could have had me but you ruined it with your lies and your selfish, bullshit manipulation.” He nodded to himself as if in agreement.
“I didn’t know how else to keep you.” He stared back at me. This isn’t how I thought it would go. I was prepared for a game, for him to work on my body to bring me around. I wasn’t prepared for this slow death.
“Keeping me was so simple, Alfie. It kills me that you can’t see it.” My words, though harsh and grief-stricken, seemed to give him hope somehow.
“Then I’ll learn. I’ll do better next time.” I looked at him through a tear stained lens and watched as it dawned on him how this was going to end.
“I’m going to college, Alfie. I’m leaving tomorrow with Keira.” I paused, gathering my strength. “Please don’t mess this up for me. Please.” I hated to beg him but I had no choice. Alfie had all the power here. I was as free as he allowed me to be.
He froze, suspended in time. I could almost see his internal struggle as one side of him fought, desperate to use his tricks to keep me, and the other side fought to understand what the right thing was to do.
“You have my word, if my word still means anything.”Did he mean that?It was hard to tell. I didn’t know what I could trust anymore. “When did you find out you were accepted?”
“A few weeks ago.” I paused, swallowing my guilt over the look of recognition on his face. He had done the maths and figured out that this was why I hadn’t agreed to go with him straight away. This was the cause of the fight we had that led to him burning himself in the shower. “I didn’t trust you enough to tell you.”
“You were right not to.” His admission hung between us. He would have found a way to take my dream away if I had told him. “When you agreed to come with me, you already knew youhad this opportunity?”You gave it up anywaywas his silent statement.