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I stood there, feeling the cold stab of rejection. I realised this is what he’d felt like last night. Was he doing this on purpose?
I slumped onto the couch and buried my head in my hands, staring down at the shoes he’d bought for me. They fit beautifully, but the material was stiff and unforgiving, already rubbing against my little toe. I wanted to get up and walk out but I couldn’t. I didn’t have my van here, or my phone to call for a lift, or hell, even my purse to pay for a taxi. I was stranded in this ivory tower waiting for the fire breathing dragon I was falling for to let me go.
Falling for.
That knowledge hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was falling for him. Madly and desperately. And it was all too much.
Alfie’s return came all too quickly. Within fifteen minutes he descended the marble staircase, cold and aloof in a charcoal suit. My mouth watered at the sight of him. I wanted him to holdme and tell me how everything would be okay, but deep down I knew every word of it would be false. I knew how everything would be and it wouldn’t be a fairy tale. He was the fire breathing dragon, not the white knight.
He eyed my discarded muffin on the pristine coffee table. He disapproved of that too. He disapproved of everything this morning.
“Are you ready?” He was looking at me like I was a stranger. I stood, my arms wrapped around me as if I could keep his coldness out. I nodded.
“Good.” He headed for the lift and I followed. His Wayfarers went on, shutting me out further.
We were watched by a sea of speculative eyes as we left. I imagined we were becoming quite the fountain of gossip for the hotel staff. I was glad to be outside in the fresh air, but all too quickly I was in his Aston Martin and back in a cage with the beast. He pulled out and began to weave us effortlessly through rush hour traffic.
We sat in stony silence, my hands twisting in my lap. “Can we listen to something?” I asked when I couldn’t stand it any longer. He pressed a button and I was surprised when a moment later the sound of a violin filled the car. The music was alien to me but beautiful.
“What is this?”
“‘The Four Seasons’ by Vivaldi, the Summer section,” he answered, his tone clipped. The name rang a bell and I searched my brain until I found it.
“You were listening to that in that article I read about you, when you were at the Never Tell Club.” He didn’t answer, didn’t even look at me. His silence was drawing me out, pulling me to him, sparking a kind of desperation in me to find a way back into his light.
“Have you heard it live?” I asked, though I knew that I was just giving him what he wanted. I’d been punished with silence before.
“Yes, many times.”
“When?”
“The last time was in New York, shortly before I came here.” He didn’t offer me anything further so I dropped the subject and tried to relax instead, focusing on the music. The rising notes of the violin felt urgent to me, as if a change was about to come.
By the time we pulled into the car park I’d heard most of Vivaldi’s ‘The Four Seasons’ and was enthralled by it. Alfie pulled the Aston Martin into a space close to my office and turned the engine off. I looked out the window, relieved to see that no one was watching us. I was surprised to see my van sitting there.
“I had Elliot pick it up from Keira’s house.” He reached into his pocket and produced my keys. Our fingers brushed as he handed them to me, his jaw clenched, and he turned away as if pained by the contact. “You’ll find your phone and handbag in your van under the seat.” His tone was dismissive, as if he no longer wanted me in his presence.
“Are you punishing me for denying you last night?” I had to know. He didn’t answer. I swallowed the lump in my throat. This wasn’t my fault. I would not feel guilty about this. “Thank you for the lift,” I mumbled and opened the door. The words felt like a pathetic substitute for everything I should be saying.
“I’ll pick you up after work,” he said as I was about to get out.
Bradley’s old red Mazda pulled into the car park. It was a simple car, a little old, a little battered. It represented a life I was familiar with, asafelife. He got out and spotted me, giving me an easy wave. I smiled back and hoped Alfie hadn’t noticed, but when I turned to him his eyes were blazing at me.
“Alfie,” I started and I realised I had no idea what I was about to say. “I think I need some time.”Did those words just come out of my mouth?
“What is that supposed to mean?” His tone was like ice. I was connected to Alfie in a way I didn’t understand. There were parts of him that I was growing to care for, but there was this other side of him too, a side that would damage me if I let it. I couldn’t overlook it anymore.
“It means you’re controlling and manipulative and I don’t want that in my life again.” I stared at my hands as I spoke, unable to look at him. “It means that you’re leaving soon anyway and maybe we should just end this now.”
“That’s your fear talking. As for my leaving, I was only supposed to be here for two weeks, I’ve been here for three and I’m planning on extending my stay, so you don’t need to worry about that.”For me.He was upending his schedule for me. That should change everything, but it didn’t.
“I just need some time to think, Alfie.”
“I don’t accept that,” he snapped, the words forced out through gritted teeth. I made myself look at him. I didn’t understand why he was fighting me. What was the point? “Tell me how to fix this.”
“Tell me something real.” I sounded like I was begging and I realised I was. I wanted him to convince me that I didn’t have to do this. “Tell me why you didn’t like me drinking. Tell me about the Never Tell Club. Tell me who taught you to punish people when they displeased you like you’ve done to me this morning. Tell me anything.” My voice cracked and I swallowed again.I will not cry.“Tell me you can be good to me.” I searched his beautiful face for any sign of hope, but there was nothing there. His steel mask had slid into place. His silence was my answer.
I didn’t trust myself to say anything else, so without another word I flung the door open. His hand gripped my wrist before I could get out, but I didn’t have the nerve to turn and face him.